I Got 99 Math Problems But a Perfect Bracket Aint’ Won

I woke up today with a vision.  I was thinking about basketball and being rich.  I know, not really out of the ordinary.  Usually you can throw in a couple of those “sports reporter babes” popping up on TV, that I’ll never get to meet, and you've got my "dream tri-fecta."  I don’t really ever have nightmares, or dream of people chasing me like some of you weirdos.  Instead I dream about winning one of those “all-inclusive vip trips" you sign up for on espn.com, and get a chance to meet the Lakers.  It’s my dream, so in my dreams I end up catching fire from the top of the key, and beating Kobe in an animated game of 1 on 1.  I then catch the eye of Charissa Thompson, who wants me to co-host Sportscenter with her, and she falls in love with my dad jokes and fake tanner.  Anyway, back to reality, and trying to pay for Comcast bills...this is my scam...
 
Selection Sunday is this weekend and everyone will be "bracket crazy."  People that aren't normally sports fans, will be.  Like when the Seahawks go to a superbowl.  Brackets will be filled out, and people all over will be praying that "Steve, in accounting" doesn’t win the $45 dollar office pot, for the third straight year.  What a dick.   I recently saw that Warren Buffett and Quicken Loans is giving ONE BILLION DOLLARS (in my best Austin Powers voice) to the person that can fill out a perfect bracket this year.  Since on-line brackets have been available, no one has ever been perfect.  Nobody.  I have a higher chance of opening for Tupac next week than being perfect in this bracket.  This is what is called (use air quotes) “low probability”...
 

So I think to myself,  “Self, what would happen if I hired a team of data-entry assistants (by “hire” I clearly mean “voluntary interns”  as it will “look great on their resume”) on Monday morning, after the brackets are released on Sunday, to work all day, and fill out every possible entry, under a different name, associated to my account?  Ex: Shanecrice1, Shanecrice2, etc......It wouldn’t even take a fancy algorithm to do.  Every game has one winner each time.  Hire a couple math professors to make sure the assistants (in my mind, these "assistants" are hot, college seniors, obviously) are assigning the right winners for each game, and crossing off winners as we go.  Making sure that every possible outcome is filled out, assuring I will win.    Sounds like a pretty simple idea for ONE BILLION DOLLARS, right?!
 
Here are two major flaws to my theory.   1.) Mr. Buffett is smarter than yours truly, and I’m sure he thought of this before he decided to throw in a "bill".   2.)  I’m better at jokes with numbers, than actual math. 

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7, 8, 9. 

What did the 0 say to the 8?  Hey, I like your belt. 

Did you know that 5 out of 4 people have problems with fractions? 

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?  He worked it out with a pencil. 

But I did pay attention a couple of times in school.  The simple, but not-so-simple math is: if each game has one winner, and there are 68 teams (with the play-in games) the formula is simply 2 to the 68th power (or pretty freaking close to that)......sounds easy right?  Uhhm, NO.  I was too lazy to figure out what 2⁶⁸ is, so I googled "how many possibilities to fill out NCAA bracket?"  Apparently 2 to the 68th power is 9,223,372,036,854,775,808.  That’s 9 quintillion....Or in other words a "shit load".   Or in other, other words, $27 dollars more than the Lakers paid Kobe and Steve Nash this year, to stay hurt, so we can end up with Jabari Parker in the lottery.  I looked up some odds of weird "stuff" happening, and figured out you would have a better chance of winning the mega-millions and getting struck by lightning on the same day that you bone Mother Theresa.  (Actually I made that last part up.  She's dead.)  That’s way more options than myself, a couple math instructors, and a team full of hot, data-entry assistants, can throw together in 4 days!   Ok, new plan.
 
What if I just hire a couple of REALLY smart, hot chicks, from Microsoft (does God make those) to write some computer coding and scripting that does all of this for me, with a few revisions to simplify?  What if the program could be made this weekend and on Sunday we enter in the teams to the computer money machine and let the computer do its thing?  Voila!  I’m rich, bitch.  Considering that no team seeded higher than 8 has ever won a title, (Villanova in 85’) that eliminates half the field.  And no #16 seed has ever beaten a #1 seed (this includes Gonzaga last year).  We have to be getting to workable numbers now don’t we?  Honestly Morehead State isn’t winning anything. Other than the coolest name possible!  Its sounding a little more conceivable doesn’t it?  You thought Mike Tyson blew his money?  If you add up all of MC Hammer, all the past football players from the Raiders and Cowboys, and any rockstar from the 80’s, you still wouldn’t have enough frivolous, immature, and senseless spending as I would throw down, if I won,  earned, ONE BILLION DOLLARS!  Ever seen Bill Gates take a body shot off Charles Barkley?  Me either.  But with a cool “bill” I bet I could pull that off.    
 

Actually, no.  Reality break.  It just occurred to me that I’m sure I’m not the first person to think of this, and before ONE BILLION DOLLARS is up for grabs, my bright idea has been thought of already, and to be protected.  I spent one hour writing this.  One hour thinking of it.  And I’m still going to end up the same dumb jock I was last week, searching for get quick schemes that don’t include multi-level marketing.  Nobody likes those people.  And like Daniel Tosh says "ugly women are like men, they have to work for their money."  So back to the grind I go, having to work for money.  Ugh...babysitting my personal training clients to drink more water, put the fork down, and counting their reps to 15 for them, in sets of 3.  Now that's the math I can handle!