I know ALL of you have been anxiously waiting for my Christmas list to come out so you can buy me wonderful gifts. So without further ado, here is the “Disgruntled Sports Guys” top 15 gift ideas for 2012. Enjoy.
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| necklaces: making even manly sports, not-so manly |
Baseball Necklace: for balance? Perfect for those field sobriety tests after X-mas parties. Sold on the Major League Baseball website, “Phiten ropes” claim to "stabilize your electric current inside the body by allowing the flow of energy". Hmm, "flow of energy"? Sounds like it might help "performance" hitting "homeruns" another way doesn’t it? If that is the case, goodbye Viagra, hello "Phiten" homosexual looking-sailboat rope-athletic-pot smoking- necklace!
Tim Tebow replicate rib. After week 10 against the Seahawks, Tebow complains to the team physician he has soreness in his rib cage. A CT scan two Wed ago revealed he had suffered two broken ribs. Personally I believe God has actually stolen Timmy's rib, and is trying to create another overrated human. We will call this human, woman.
A new truck. It’s so tough to shop for cars these days with all the AWESOME commercials that are out there (insert sarcastic emoticon). If you really want me to buy your truck, quit making shitty commercials. I dont need my vehicle to climb a spiral ramp shooting fire or to tow the space shuttle. And no, Brett Favre doesnt drive an old beat up Chevy with a dog riding shotgun. He drives a Cadillac, with a shotgun riding shotgun, and one of his "assistants" he's cheating on his wife with is chugging beer in the back seat.
You know that awkward feeling you have the first time you hear Blake Griffin try to say "infotainment system", and then stare creepily at the camera, with all his half-black ginger self can? No? Well its the same feeling you had when you were in Caesars’ Palace and stumbled upon the all-time hits leader "Charlie hustling" for $12 dollar signatures on olds Reds posters. Still no? It’s how you feel every time when you watch Casey Calvary, high as a mo-fo, seemingly 30lbs. lighter than his playing days, sludge through the Crosspoint Autoplex commercial and say "and tell em' Casey sent ya" with as much enthusiasm as a 3-toed sloth playing chess in syrup. He clearly is the antithesis of Jay Buhner when I hear Jay yell "and tell em' the Bone sent ya!"
Special-edition Tony Romo throwback playoff jersey. Since the 1995 season when they won their last championship, and virtually everyone we know from the ages of 24-40 who jumped on their bandwagon, has seen their beloved Cowboys win 2 playoff games. 2 playoff games in 17 years! Americas team! Tony Romo has 1 playoff win! 1! LOL! Tim Tebow for "God's" sake (see what I did there) has 1 freaking win! Let me put this in perspective: Joe Montana has 16 playoff wins and so does Tom Brady who will probably get a couple more this year.
A new truck. It’s so tough to shop for cars these days with all the AWESOME commercials that are out there (insert sarcastic emoticon). If you really want me to buy your truck, quit making shitty commercials. I dont need my vehicle to climb a spiral ramp shooting fire or to tow the space shuttle. And no, Brett Favre doesnt drive an old beat up Chevy with a dog riding shotgun. He drives a Cadillac, with a shotgun riding shotgun, and one of his "assistants" he's cheating on his wife with is chugging beer in the back seat.
You know that awkward feeling you have the first time you hear Blake Griffin try to say "infotainment system", and then stare creepily at the camera, with all his half-black ginger self can? No? Well its the same feeling you had when you were in Caesars’ Palace and stumbled upon the all-time hits leader "Charlie hustling" for $12 dollar signatures on olds Reds posters. Still no? It’s how you feel every time when you watch Casey Calvary, high as a mo-fo, seemingly 30lbs. lighter than his playing days, sludge through the Crosspoint Autoplex commercial and say "and tell em' Casey sent ya" with as much enthusiasm as a 3-toed sloth playing chess in syrup. He clearly is the antithesis of Jay Buhner when I hear Jay yell "and tell em' the Bone sent ya!"
Special-edition Tony Romo throwback playoff jersey. Since the 1995 season when they won their last championship, and virtually everyone we know from the ages of 24-40 who jumped on their bandwagon, has seen their beloved Cowboys win 2 playoff games. 2 playoff games in 17 years! Americas team! Tony Romo has 1 playoff win! 1! LOL! Tim Tebow for "God's" sake (see what I did there) has 1 freaking win! Let me put this in perspective: Joe Montana has 16 playoff wins and so does Tom Brady who will probably get a couple more this year.
Lets play a quick game sports fans: Better Quarterback? Kordell Stewart and Rex Grossman OR Tony Romo
Kordell Stewart and Rex Grossman have 2 playoff wins each, BUT unfortunately have never boned Jessica Simpson, Carrie Underwood, Miss Missouri Candace Crawford, or Sophia Bush. Advantage: Romo.
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| Tony did not fumble this snap. |
Special Steelers Jersey- Coincidence that the Steelers play in their special "Stealers" prison jerseys the same week that Big Ben and his wife have a baby (I’m thinking this one was consensual?). Maybe? Don’t want me to go there you say? Too bad. Sometimes no means keep trying. Right Ben?!
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| More awkward: the prison jerseys or Isaac Redman posing in the bathroom? |
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| Eli Manning has a better body than the worlds most perfect human, Tom Brady. There, I said it. |
Obama answers my wish. In a sincere, and well-thought-out letter that the the President should clearly understand, I ask President Obama to take a portion of all the hard-earned, self-made, money away from baseballs richest team, the Yankees, and give a portion of that money to say, THE TWINS, a lesser, not as rich team, that clearly needs more money to compete for next years title. After all, that is why all people with money, make money, right? To help out others? PLEASE!
Hockey Holdout continues. In case you missed it, and unless you have "toonies" in your pocket, end sentences with "eh", and have a mix-tape of Shania Twain and Celine Dion in your snowmobile, you probably did. There is no hockey this year due to a holdout, and my wish is for it to continue. Its not that I dislike hockey. Hockey is great to watch in-person, and I envy the skill to play. But I HATE that during the hockey season at least 5 undeserving plays a night make Sportscenters top 10?! And not only that, but all the hockey highlights take up at least 10 min for every 30 min show, and its during football and basketball season?! NO! I need to see the fights, and that’s it. No fights= no highlights= no Barry Melrose. Hey ESPN, nobody cares, so quit trying to be fair about your highlights in regards to sports. I would rather watch my friend Brady take a 5 min dump, or sit through a Dwight Howard free throw practice than see 10 min of slapshots and mullets.
Hockey Holdout continues. In case you missed it, and unless you have "toonies" in your pocket, end sentences with "eh", and have a mix-tape of Shania Twain and Celine Dion in your snowmobile, you probably did. There is no hockey this year due to a holdout, and my wish is for it to continue. Its not that I dislike hockey. Hockey is great to watch in-person, and I envy the skill to play. But I HATE that during the hockey season at least 5 undeserving plays a night make Sportscenters top 10?! And not only that, but all the hockey highlights take up at least 10 min for every 30 min show, and its during football and basketball season?! NO! I need to see the fights, and that’s it. No fights= no highlights= no Barry Melrose. Hey ESPN, nobody cares, so quit trying to be fair about your highlights in regards to sports. I would rather watch my friend Brady take a 5 min dump, or sit through a Dwight Howard free throw practice than see 10 min of slapshots and mullets.
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| The only highlights I want to see are the ones in their mullets. |
Stewart Scott, crazy eye glasses. These glasses are soo funny everytime I see him and it never gets old. Its so realistic how he can look at you through the TV in 14 different angles and keep a straight face the whole time. Perfect for laughs during the holiday season. Want to scare your friends? Get Stewart Scott eye-glasses! Want to be the life of the party? Go all “Stewey” on em! Brittney Griner penis pump....
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| Won "woman" athlete of the year? |
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| This is NOT Jerry West |
Bar Rafeli wearing nothing but a Kobe jersey. OR Kobe wearing nothing but a Kobe jersey?...
One eye black strip. Firstly, do I have to buy them in a package of two and just keep one handy when my douchiness runs out, and then replace it, or can you actually buy them in singles? I thought this wasnt cool anymore after Lisa Left Eye Lopez burned down Andre Risons mansion? If the purpose of eye black is the keep the glare out, is wearing only one strip like saying you only get glare in one eye? Why? Remember when you were in college and you wore really regrettable things to look cool, and now looking back you hate yourself? I wish I never would’ve bought XXL FUBU, Sean John, Phat Farm tall-T's, pierced my ears, and played extremely distorted bass, gangster rap in my Escalade but I did. And now I think "how did I have friends?" So if anyone reading this thinks it's cool to wear one eye black strip, or pull your actual eye black down your cheeks like a 7th grade girl in fast pitch a.k.a. Bryce Harper (I'll give him a pass, he actually should be in college) now is your chance to stop it! Actually take it back Santa, I don’t want to look like an idiot this year. One eye black strip is more worthless than doing forearm curls at the gym.
Lebron James Hair-Spray Paint, and cell phone This year the new Lebron phone called the "ijames" comes out. It’s perfect for business meetings or times when you don’t want to be bothered by a bunch of "rings" like the "Kobe" or the "Air Jordan" phones. It simply just has one ring.
And just like how Lebron hides his receding hairline by pulling back his headband further and further each year, I too can cheat old age by getting that black spray paint they market as "balding remover" to get rid of my greys! Thanks Labron. Someday scientists will discover that you were actually 37 when you entered the league. How is it at 51 years old you are still so athletic? But at the same time how also at 51, Greg Oden, has been outscored by 8,000 pts. by Olden Polynice?
Here's my theory: In a scientific experiment funded by the government in the late 60's, scientists take the DNA from Wilt Chamberlain (an easy task) and mix it with 3 time gold medalist, and “fastest woman on the planet” Wilma Rudolph's DNA, to make one giant milkshake of superhuman-athletic-sexual fluids. YUMM! The experiment goes bad. The fertilized egg splits, creating twins. Lebron gets all of the good DNA, and all of the best nutrients, while Greg Oden gets deprived of everything except the "tall" gene. It is now safe to say, Lebron is to Arnold Schwarzenegger, as Greg Oden is to Danny Devito.
Peyton Manning actual size helmet/ 42 in plasma TV. Not only is it funny to me every time an analyst says "he's so cerebral", but arguably the best QB ever, is having another MVP season and his head cannot get any bigger. You try and pack around a projection TV on your shoulders and escape neck surgery?! Lets throw a tape measure around that dome and see if Barry Bonds swims in it. He went from the "Colts" to the "Broncos" so his marketing campaign can make him look more "horsey". He's actually John Elway's teeth away from turning into a horse. When he goes to Arby's he orders extra horsey sauce...ok, I’m done horsing around now.
Honey Badger for Washington Governor Bumper Sticker. "Its legal and we still don’t give a shit". Tyrann Mathieu declares for the NFL draft the same month Washington State makes marijuana legal. Coincidence? No chance. Get ready Seahawk hippies and hipsters (your city is polluted with both) you’re about to get a new back-up nickel-back/ punt returner and he's going to wear jersey number "420".
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| Oden, age 19. When I was 19 I was trying to hide acne and burp the alphabet. Actual age: 46 |
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| Actual age 51 |
Peyton Manning actual size helmet/ 42 in plasma TV. Not only is it funny to me every time an analyst says "he's so cerebral", but arguably the best QB ever, is having another MVP season and his head cannot get any bigger. You try and pack around a projection TV on your shoulders and escape neck surgery?! Lets throw a tape measure around that dome and see if Barry Bonds swims in it. He went from the "Colts" to the "Broncos" so his marketing campaign can make him look more "horsey". He's actually John Elway's teeth away from turning into a horse. When he goes to Arby's he orders extra horsey sauce...ok, I’m done horsing around now.
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| I bet Peyton Manning is hung like... |
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| Hi. My name is not Ricky Williams, but I would rather smoke weed, than make millions of dollars. Oh, and I have one-eye black strip. Hate me now. |
