It's Never Sunny in Seattle.

Now you can buy a Seahawk #71 jersey with your milk and bread at Rosauers.  Barf-a-roni

I’ve decided from now on I’m only going to date chicks that are from Seattle.  They’ll just be happy without a ring.  And I'm so tired of the bandwagon that has become “Hawk nation”, I can’t handle it like a Mariner shortstop.  So here you go Seahawk fans.  Here you go Seattle.  You suck, and here’s why:

Oh Seattle…You’re so cute in your North Face fleece wearing, double-mocha latte sipping, depressing 90’s music listening, maddening traffic driving, lifeless weather experiencing, and terrible sports team backing.  Yes, I’m jealous of the Seahawks.   Yes, I’m so jealous, it has inspired this rant.  You ARE actually good this year and it makes me nervous that you might win it all.  So I better get a few cheap shots in before someone tags “beastmode” on my house in teal and lime green or poisons my dog with Skittles.   But, just like everyone who has ever loved Gonzaga basketball, watched Dumb and Dumber 2, or purchased the latest Kanye album, I’m also predicting a giant let-down.  Some things in life sound like a good idea but just aren’t.  They are, in no particular order: a kiss on the cheek from a grandparent, jogging, waterbeds, watching Transformers because it’s the 6^th highest grossing film of all-time, 50%off protein bars, taking a laxative to shed a few pounds for a photo shoot, AND cheering for any team that's from Seattle .  So I can’t help but hate on the city that is most famous for throwing fish.  Leeggo…

If you ask almost anyone from the East coast what is the first thing they think of when they think of Seattle, a wide majority will respond “where Kurt Cobain killed himself.”  Nice.  I’ve always heard from people that Seattle has the highest suicide rate in the country.  But whenever someone brings that up in conversation, there is always one wanna-be hipster friend in the group, that emphatically says “nuh uh, Portland is” like it’s a cool hipster thing to be proud of.  (Portland people do say this) So, I did a little research on my own.  Part of the fun of writing these blogs is that I get to research crap that I’ve been hearing, and ignorantly repeating, without knowing the truth.  Here’s what I found:  Yes, Portland DOES have a higher suicide rate than Seattle.  (There you go hipsters.  IPA’s for everyone ) And it's no real surprise that Las Vegas has the highest rate.  BUT the funniest, but not-so-funny stat that I DID find:  Seattle has the 2^nd highest non-successful suicide rate of any city!!! Bahahaha.  Next to Dallas, Seattle people try to kill themselves and miss it, more than any other city.  HA.  You can’t even win that stat either, you losers.  Talk about a giant city of attention-getters.  (Another fun game to play when you’re around those smelly Portland people, is to say “you know it rains more in Seattle than anywhere in the northwest?”  Wait for it…”Nu uh, Portland does”…hook, line, and sinker) 

Ok, on to the next statistic I had to research to get actual facts for.  I know you’ve all heard some made-up stat (Dads and uncles are famous for these stats) that “you know, I just heard that Seattle has just passed San Francisco for the worst city as far as traffic goes?!”  Hmmm…I better check:  According to a CBS report I found from last year, Seattle is the #5 worst city to drive in America, and #7 in the world.  This suicide thing is starting to make sense.

Facts are fun.  Lets do more! 

-In 2013, the Seattle Mariners were 25^th in home attendance filling 45% of their seats for the entire year.  However, on the road, they sold 67% of the home teams’ capacity.  So other cities draw better when the Mariners come to town, than Seattle does AT HOME!!!  Other cities appreciate Seattle, more than Seattle?  I bet Oklahoma City would appreciate the Mariners.  I bet Portland would “kill themselves” for a baseball team. (See what I did there) But I don’t blame Mariner fans for never showing up.   Cheering for the Mariners is like dating someone from Whitworth: It sounds like a great idea at the time, but it takes at least 3 nights to get to third base.

True Mariner fans.  Both of them. 

-This year Forbes magazine ranked Seattle as the #1 most miserable sports franchise!  Woo Hoo!  Lets party like its September 10^th!  Let’s consider some numbers using the Mariners, Sonics, Seahawks, and Pilots.  Seattle has had a collective 115 years in existence to win a championship.  Take a wild O.J Simpson stab at how many they’ve won?  1.  LOL.  1 in 115 collective years.  Congrats 1979 Sonics!  Seattle sports has an all-time championship round record of 1-3 and a semi-final round record of 4-7.   Seattle sports is a bigger let down than spinning the wheel at Fast Eddies.  “Oh, another $5.00 chip!”   Seattle sports are more disappointing than scrolling through THE facebook the day after Nelson Mandela died and all you see is “R.I.P. Paul Walker, my first crush” bullshit.  I think another local rapper from Seattle said it best: “What, what? What? What, what? What, what? What? What, what?”- Macklemore

-Although the names Kurt Warner, and Curt Warner are homonyms, they are hardly synonymous.  One won 2 MVP awards, a superbowl MVP, and is now an accomplished philanthropist and football commentator for the NFL.  The other is the running backs coach for Camus High School, AND the name every real Seahawk fan has to say he owned a jersey of, when he/she was little, to prove they didn’t just NOW jump on the bandwagon.  

-Texas A&M started the 12^th man in 1922, and trademarked the term in 1990.  Seattle started the tradition of raising a 12th man stadium flag before kickoffs in 2004.  ^]The Seahawks continue to use the phrase, having settled with Texas A&M out of court, after a trademark lawsuit was filed by Texas A&M.  Instead of thinking of their own phrase, they would rather pay money to Texas A&M, and STEAL that one?!  And to make matters worse, now the Spokane Shock has the 9^th man!  Thanks a lot Seattle.  Now we have degenerate, white-trash, #9 Shock jerseys flooding our Wall-mart’s, because Seattle can’t come up with their own marketing idea. Now I have to see #9 on the boobs of the Shock dance team every time I try and watch them, and all I can think about is how much I hate it!  First the Aggies start it, Seattle steals it, and now the Shock steal it again.   It’s like 3^rd generation douchbaggery-theft. 

Home of the 12th man, Texas A&M.  Somehow confused with Capitol Hill. 

-No Husky football fans, you don’t have a lone national championship.  It’s shared with Miami. And in the two decades since then, you’ve seen the Seahawks go without a playoff win until 2005.  You’ve seen the Sonics up and move, but not before their infamous playoff meltdown to Denver (they were the first #1 seed to lose to an #8 seed).   And just when the Mariners finally got good, they lost Ken Griffey Jr., Randy Johnson and Alex Rodriguez (I must fight A-Fraud) then somehow failed to reach the World Series despite winning more games than any team in American League history.  See what I mean Sea-town, you let more people down than a syndrome with too many chromosomes.   

Meet Gary.  Gary lubs the Thehawks.

 I will admit though, I hate not having NBA hoops 4 hours away.  The last time I saw the Sonics was 5 years ago and I was clad in a Laker, #8 jersey,  and watched Kobe go for 47, 8, and 6.  Yes I was one of those obnoxious, drunk fans, that chanted MVP, MVP every time he went to the line and I loved it.   “It’s ironic, I had the brew she had the chronic, The Lakers beat the Supersonics”.   I also love bringing up to Sonic fans that in 1987 you traded Scottie Pippen to the Bulls for Olden Polynice.  Pippen went on to win 6 championships with the Bulls, widely considered one of the best small forwards of all time, hall of famer, number retired, one of the 50 greatest players of all time.  Polynice went on to an illustrious career as the color guy for the WNBA’s Sacramento Mystic.  Advantage: Chicago.  

Ok, it’s time again to chat football.  'Tis the season.  If the Raiders are the most comical team, and the Cowboys are the most overrated,  then the Vikings West (I’m pretty sure half the Seahawk roster is made-up by former Vikings) are by far the biggest annoyance.   Ok, time for a rant with-in a rant.  Is every fourth person in the world a Cowboy fan?  And why?  Because they were good when people started to like football?  Because girls like "stars" and boys like how cool "America's team" sounds?  Everyone our age jumped on the Cowboy train in the 90’s when they were relevant, and now are wishing they could trade teams faster than their Dez Bryant jersey?  I mean he’s a great role model?  Hey Cowboy fans, you have 1 playoff win in 20 years!  Shut.  Up.   



Pete Carroll.  Get a life.  Stop chewing your gum like a Doberman licks peanut butter.  Stop trying to prove how “young” you are by throwing the ball around and jog/limping up and down the sidelines.  If you wouldn’t have gotten caught cheating at USC, you would still be there, giving recruits houses, and trying to convince young co-eds to jump in your convertible camero.   

Russell Wilson.  Get a personality.  Just once will you let America know who you really are?  We are dying to see you get out of “robot mode”.  Just once can you give an interview without saying “First I give praise to God, and secondly my teammates for really pushing today.  I mean you have to give credit to fill in the team, they are such a good team….”  Blah blah blah.  Wilsons canned answers make me want to increase the un-successful suicide rate of Seattle.  “Hey Russ.  Nice shoes where did you get them?” “Oh, great question Shane.  First though, I would like to thank God for letting me wear shoes.  Secondly, you really have to give credit to the shoe salesmen at Nordstrom.  I mean the salesmen at Niketown are SOO good too, so I’m just fortunate to have these on my feet, and I’m really just looking forward to my next foot purchase with all my teammates.” That’s why I love Jameis Winston.  His interviews radiate personality, leadership, and he can beat a rape charge faster than Big Ben. 

Sometimes I think whatever happened to David Chapelle?  And then I realize he's Russel Wilson.

Hey Seahawks team, how many times are you going to get suspended for drug use?  Is that 8 or 9 suspensions in last three years?  I forgot because I stopped taking aderol.  In 2006 Brandon Browner missed multiple notifications for drug tests because he reportedly “let his cell phone service lapse”.  Fact.   I swear this cheating team gets away with murder.  (See Ray Lewis blog) 

Hey Paul Allen, how come you can’t afford braces? 

One of the richest men in the world....always has candy corn in his mouth. 

Hey Richard Sherman, how come the only person you’ve ever talked shit to ‘with your helmet off’ was someone who endorses UGGS?  (See Tom Brady blog)   Is Richard Sherman the most annoying person in the world?  Somewhere Jamie Patrick is at a Nickleback concert, wearing a #9 Shock jersey, and even he thinks so. 

hide yo wife, hide yo kids,

Hey Lil’ Jon, I mean Marshawn Lynch, why don’t you ask for a trade to New Orleans?  You have that “look”.  I will give Seattle some credit however.  "Beast Mode" sounds much better than yelling "GO FETAL ALCOHOL SYNDROME!!!" 

Hey Golden Tate, ever heard the saying “act like you’ve done it before? 

Hey Seahawk fan wearing a #12 jersey with “fan” on the back, throwing Skittles.  Is your last name really "fan?"  Go fuck yourself.  With your rainbow colored hands.  In your jersey.   

Hey girl at the bar who gets her conversation about hair styles interrupted to randomly give hi-fives and post “Love my Hawks!”, you’re not fooling anyone.  And they're not "your" Hawks.  They are Paul Allen's.  He's the guy that helped invent freaking computers, not the latest updo.   

Hey dipshit in your recently purchased Steve Largent jersey, quit yelling “D-Fence” on 3^rd down at the TV like you’re actually at the game.  *According to the Puget Sound Business Journal, last year Seahawk merchandise went up 88 percent after the week 13 win against Chicago, and by the end of the season, total sales went up 242 percent!!!  This should infuriate every person reading this that considers themselves a FOOTBALL FAN.  Where were these people 5 years ago?   If you can’t present me with a 3^rd grade picture of you wearing your Hutch uniform to school, with a “Boz” haircut, then kick rocks.  If you CAN present me with a #3 Rick Mirer jersey, my sincere condolences.   

Hey people of Spokane, quit saying “I’m not on the bandwagon, I just support my local team.”  First, it’s not “local”. If you want to jump on a local bandwagon try North Central High School where they’ve won 8 cross-country state titles in a row.  Girls, get off instagram every Sunday in your freshly purchased Wilson jersey, and get back to making my Americano.  #beastmode #selfie #hawknation.  Quit saying you grew up here, so that’s why you like the Seahawks.  It’s not called the Washington Seahawks, it’s the Seattle Seahawks, so you don’t HAVE to like them because they are 4 hours away.  Get a mind of your own, and pick a team like other girls do.  Pick the team with the cutest quarterback (See Tom Brady post.  Shit.)  or the best colors, and quit liking them just because your boyfriend does.  He’s going to cheat on you anyway.  

…..Actually….DON’T!  Keep doing it!  Go on and post-away!  Because when another Seattle “local” team chokes again, and they will, I will re-post this blog.  I will help ease your pain with my posts of : SEATTLE STORM WNBA WORLD CHAMPIONS, 2004, 2010 POSTS!!!  I’ll say awesome things like “don’t worry Seattle fans, you still have your Sounders!”  You support them more than you do real sports, like baseball and basketball anyway!!!” 

So when you’re cheering for your Seattle fill-in-blank team this year, and in the future, understand you’ll probably get really excited about them, but in the end you’ll be let down.  Realize that “sports blue-balls” also comes in Sea Green and there is no use in crying over spilled non-fat lattes.  I’m warning you.   Kurt Cobain.  Thanks a lot Seahawks. 

I MUST FIGHT ALEX RODRIGUEZ

I thought about quitting this blog after the last one.  The pressure of trying to be witty and funny, factual and persuasive, obscene and offensive, is a lot to take on when you already have 3 jobs and you’re not getting paid to write.  And honestly, how much is there to write about that most of my friends don’t already know?  I’ve already used all my “killer” “dad-jokes” on the Ray Lewis blog, so there goes any potential Aaron Hernandez humor.  Stop me if you’ve heard me tell these after a few “sodas”….

-In prison everyone loves a tight end!....

-”Is this just some big hoax?” Manti Ta’o……

-The Patriots actually released him because they have their own surveillance footage of what happened (side note: New England hasn’t won since “spy-gate”)….

-”I wish Aaron would stop being such a distraction to our football team!” Tim Tebow….

-Orenthal James Simpson, Aaronthol Hernandez, not the same.  Orenthals friends escort him away from the murder in a white bronco, and Aaronthol’s friends turn on him faster than Ryan Braun’s steroid-hands on an inside fastball…

-If Hernandez gets picked up by the Packers they can start their new “discount double-murder check” touchdown dance and insurance promo…

-Red, white, and blue #81 jerseys are sooo last month.  Orange, #8146543 is the new fad in gang attire….

Maybe I could go off about Riley Cooper?  Cooper is being torn apart, and rightfully so, for saying "I will jump that fence and fight every nigger here, bro" while wearing a cut-off plaid shirt, at a Kenny Chesney concert.  (Here is a stereotype also: cut-off plaid cowyboy shirt, and using the word “bro” in a sentence at a country concert?  Sounds about right.) What an idiot.  Who in this day and age thinks its o.k. to make this comment?   What a racist, stereotypical, and ignorant thing to say.  Riley, we all know that you're white, and there is NOOO way you would be able to jump that high to get over that fence you butthole....

Ok, fine, I’ll blog now that “I’m on a roll” like a fat girl at Tomato Street,  but if I continue to do this blog for you, my friends, and your viewing pleasure, you have to help me do one thing.  I MUST FIGHT ALEX RODRIGUEZ!!!!    No seriously.  I MUST FIGHT ALEX RODRIGUEZ.   I’ll do if for charity.  I’ll do it for free.  Shit, I’ll pay money to a charity, just to FIGHT ALEX RODRIGUEZ!  My hope is that one of you somewhere, knows somebody, who knows somebody, who can make this happen.  I want to FIGHT ALEX RODRIGUEZ on pay-per-view, MMA style, and I want every last penny (who in their right mind wouldn’t pay money to watch a “nobody” from Spokane FIGHT ALEX RODRIGEZ) to go to the coaches vs cancer fund.  People, I'm serious!  If we can make this happen we can raise a jillion dollars to cancer research!

Alex Rodriguez is a joke.  He’s a lying, hypocritical, insincere, two-faced, over-paid,  phony, that is the opposite of clutch every post season.  I want the next hurricane in October to be named "hurricane Alex", that way we know it won’t hit anything.  Chris Brown has more “hits” in the fall than A-Fraud…Listen up, its rant-time bitches….

 

Alex Rodriguez broke one of my teammate’s bats in college hitting b.p.  He told us that when we went down to Peoria AZ, for spring training to hit him up for one of his bats after the Mariners took b.p.  So here we are, 19 years old, heading down to play Arizona, and Arizona St, and most importantly get big league treatment from big league players, who we can only aspire to be like.  It’s the day of the game.  We get there early with the anticipation of prom night with the “head” cheerleader.  A-Fraud takes his b.p. and is effortlessly spraying lasers to all parts of the field with every oooh, and ahhh of the crowd.  As his bat cracks the leather on the ball, we all marvel at his power and quick hands.  He starts to strut off the field, as only A-Fruad can, and everyone on our team starts yelling at him.  We are all perched over the dug-out, trying to get his attention.  “Alex, Alex, what’s up man?!  It’s us, you told us to grab you in spring training” my teammate yells, hoping Alex will just throw him his bat he just hit with.  (Remember:  At this time, we, including A-Fraud, are all about the same age.  The only difference is we are trying to pass Geology, eating Top Roman and drinking Busch lights, and spending time trying to get the girls on the volleyball team to page us later about the kegger.  Meanwhile A-hole is on the cover of Sports Illustrated; the number one overall pick in the draft, projected the best new talent in baseball, and just signed a multi-million dollar contract.)  As he descents into the dugout he hears my friend, looks up and sees all of us.  He puts his head down and disappears underneath us, “big-league’ing” us like no other.  Not a bat.  Not a ball.  Not a “hello.”  Not even a smile….It was at this point I knew my calling in life:  I need to FIGHT ALEX RODRIGUEZ.

Remember that Sports Illustrated article I told you he was on the cover of?  In the article he talks about how he doesn’t drink, he doesn’t womanize or want a girlfriend so he can concentrate on being the best, and he doesn’t go out at night.  Instead he stays at home, and likes to relax by reading his bible.   But meanwhile in “real life”,  he’s 20 yrs old in north Spokane doing a hitting camp, breaking my teammates bat, and trying to get into “Swackhammers” a.k.a. “Swaxx”.  Soo you don’t go out huh?  But you're trying to get into a Spokane night club?  Here’s the best part: the bouncers at Swackhammers won’t let him in because he’s under-age.  (Should’ve gotten a fake I.D. like the rest of us that were inside, binging on well-tequilla you piece of shit!  Let it also be known that Shane Rice got into a bar that A-Hole was turned away from.  My town homie.  Not yours.)  After getting turned away, he starts to make a scene and yell belligerently drunk at the doormen, “You know who I am? You know who I am.  I’m Alex Rodriguez, I don’t wait in line, and I get what I want”….(What he really said is unsure after the generations of Spokane’s infamous night-scene story tellers has taken and twisted the words like Paul Bunyan folklore.  But every time I hear someone tell that story, it’s about the exact same version as mine.)  Funny that a dude that doesn’t go out, drink, or womanize, shows up to a nightclub in Spokane WA, and is drunk, acting out, and has jersey-chasers wrapped on his arms like a 21 yr old who sees a GU basketball player getting drunk at the Monterey for the first time. 

About 6 years ago, my friend Erick Hughes, who then was an assistant coach with the Toronto Raptors, now with the Brooklyn Nets, invited me to his 40th birthday party in Vegas.  (I have more Vegas stories than the Stratosphere)  This wasn't like any other birthday party.  You see, Erick and Gary Payton grew up together in Oakland and have remained best friends since then.  This party was going to be at Gary Payton's house...yep, you know the one that was on MTV cribs...and I was invited.  So, I go to Vegas, go to this party, kick it with Gary-freaking-Payton, and then we hit the strip.  First stop, Bellagio.  So here I am walking through the Bellagio with Erick, two other friends, and the "glove".  Have I ever felt cooler?  Well, realistically I really was cooler-than-a-polar-bears-toenails...Gary had tickets to a fight that was going on that night, so he was going to ditch us, but first we made a quick stop at the "high-stakes gaming" to watch someone play blackjack?  Who?  You guessed it.  A-Roid.  A-Roid called Gary and told him that he was skipping the team plane to L.A. and making a pit stop in Vegas.  So as I watched A-fraud from 10 feet away, all by himself, play 5-25K per hand, and talk to Gary as he was carelessly playing, it made me hate him more.  He had no friends with him.  He couldn't have talked one of teammates to hang out with him?  I hated his girly accent and his soft-spoken, care-free attitude.  Every time you hear him talk it sounds like he's trying to say something profound.  Like he's thinking about what he wants to say to make it sound amazing.  Listen to his press conferences.  He sounds like he's trying to create a sound-byte every time he speaks.  What a polluted pile of Chicago-Bear-shit.  Oh ya, he was also losing more on one hand of blackjack than I make in a month and didn't care one bit.  He literally was trying to look cool by playing blackjack?  We get it A-Hole, you have more money than us.  Yes, we really love your popped collar on your yellow polo.  No, we don't have tickets like you do, to the Oscar De La Hoya fight.  But I’ll tell you who I do want tickets to fight?   I HAVE TO FIGHT ALEX RODRIGUEZ. 

 

Do you remember when A-Fraud left his wife and kids to date Madonna?  I do.  Do you remember when A-Fraud had an affair with the stripper from Toronto?  I do.  How about before he was divorced an exotic dancer told the New York Daily news that Alex prefers the "she-male, muscular type"?  I remember that also.   

Do you remember in game 6 of the 2004 playoffs when he slapped the ball out of Bronson Arroyo's glove with an attempted tag at first base?  Busch League.  Not "Busch" enough for ya?  How about with 2 outs in the ninth against Toronto in 2007, when Jorge Posada hit a pop-up, and as A-Roid ran past third baseman Howie Clark on third, video replays clearly show him yelling "I got it" and "mine"?  The ball dropped, and Jays shortstop John McDonald had to be restrained from attacking him.  He's mine McDonald!  Stay away! 

How about in Joe Torre's book he writes "A-rod monopolized all the attention, and was unable to concern himself with getting the job done.  He instead becomes distracted with how he looks."  That's coming from your coach, dude...

He was featured in "Details" magazine in 2009.  In the magazine there are pictures of him kissing a mirror, and lying shirtless on a bare mattress. (and you thought my pictures were embarrassing)  Equally embarrassing, the “Cameron Diaz feeding him popcorn at the Super Bowl video”, makes me want to barf.  And makes me hate Cameron Diaz.  And popcorn in general...

A whole new way to masterbate. Im suprised he got close enough to the mirror to kiss it, with the boner he probably gave himself.

While he was benched in the 2012 ALCS opener, A-Fraud cared so much, and was so into his team winning, he sent a ball-boy up in the stands with a note to give to an attractive fan in the stands asking for her number.  Now that's keeping your "head" in the game!   

211 game, ban by baseball, the longest in baseball history.  You know you're only supposed to get 50 games for your first offense for using P.E.D's right?  Then why did A-Hole get 211?  For cheating.  For lying over and over.   For helping taint the most sacred "numbers sport" ever.  For being a douche.  For being a black-eye on baseball.  For being ingenuine.  For making everyone in the world want to fight him.  But not as much as me.    

*this makes my fists tighten..

BUT, do you want to know something that will really make your skin crawl?  Something that is more douche-chilling than MMA fans screaming in Affliction T-shirts?  Worse than dudes that order "strong islands" or yell "jager-bombs"?  Worse than people posting "blasting shoulders today" at Oz Fitness? Worse than self-pics in the mirror with no shirt on?  Worse than anything ever said by Dane Cook.  Worse than the guitar playing guy at campfires?  Worse than Galaxy Man???.....Here goes, brace yourself:

In 2009, Kate Hudson told "US Weekly" that Alex Rodriguez "is so vain, he had not one, but two painted portraits of himself as a centaur, and one was above his bed"...........................(deep breath).........................(wipe down goosebumps)...............ok, everyone good?...........Soooo, he has not one but TWO PAINTINGS, and one is above his BED, of HIMSELF, as a HALF-HORSE, HALF-HUMAN?...................Ok, everyone together say it with me, 1,2,3, ready, "FML"............ 

I hate A-fraud, and I hate cancer.  Lets beat them both. 

Once again people, I HAVE TO FIGHT ALEX RODRIGUEZ!!!!!!!!

Let us compare stats: 

A-Fruad                                  vs.           Sugar Shane                                     Advantage:

height:                       6'3                       6' (with shoes on)                              A-Fraud

weight:                      230                      192.73 (Im giving up 40lbs)             A-Fraud

career homeruns:      620                      0                                                        A-Fraud

romance covers:          0                      17                                                       A-Fraud

PED of choice:        All steroids         Vodka Soda, muscle-milk, red bull    A-Fraud

Friends:                       0                             247568                                         Sugar Shane

Winner:  Sugar Shane

C'mon friends!  Let’s raise some money for charity!  Let's watch me beat the hair-gel out of A-fraud (or vice-versa).  Let’s make this happen!  Who knows somebody????   Maybe I should ring the “glove”?  I NEED TO FIGHT ALEX RODRIGUEZ!!!!!!!!!!! 

Tim Duncan Is Everything JR Smith Isn't

 

 

I'm getting old. Do you know how I know? I hate Tim Duncan, and so do you. Tim Duncan is not cool. Tim Duncan possesses exactly the same amount of "swag" as mother Theresa. We hate Timmy because Timmy hates attention. He's not on every commercial he can get his big hands on, like Peyton Manning’s five-head. He doesn’t have a shoe deal. He doesn’t have visible tattoos. He has 2 more career dunks, without having to jump, than Britney Griner. He uses the glass. How un-cool is that. We hate him because he plays for a boring team with boring colors. Think about it, “Black”, “White”, and right in the middle “Grey?”  He doesn’t like interviews, talk-shows, pre or even post game conferences. He doesn’t sag is skinny jeans, wear ridiculous outfits to the game for attention, and actually took the stickers off the last baseball hat he was given, AND bent the bill. Dork. He doesn’t have a record deal, or even a criminal record for that matter? What a loser. He stays out of the limelight, and likes it that way. But something occurred to me the other day; while I was too busy watching all of the dunks on Sportscenter by guys that can’t shoot free throws. And listening to the announcers call J.R. Smiths 7-24 shooting performance a "spark" in the offense, Timmy is one of the greatest big forwards to ever play, and we shouldn’t take him for granted.

 

Duncan himself commented on his "boring" image, stating: "If you show excitement, then you also may show disappointment or frustration. If your opponent picks up on this frustration, you are at a disadvantage.” Sports journalist Kevin Kernan commented on his ability to relax and stay focused, stating that having a degree in psychology; Duncan often not only outplays, but often out-psyches his opponents. Duncan has also stated that he especially likes his bank shot saying: "It is just easy for me. It just feels good." Lets take a peek at some numbers real quick: Only 5 forwards have EVER had more career rebounds than Tim. Only 4 forwards have EVER scored more points. And no forward has EVER had more career blocks. When you consider these numbers along with 2 MVP’s, 14 time all-star, 4 championship rings, and is the ONLY player to be named to both all-NBA and all-Defensive teams during each of first 13 seasons, you almost have to give him the greatest big forward ever don’t you?

 

Hard to hate him now, huh? 

 

Sometimes in order to appreciate athletes that are actually good citizens, and not put on a pedestal because they are simply athletes, we need to look at the shit that has become professional sports. My goal is to make you have a new found appreciation for Timmy. Trust me, I didn’t want to. The thought of producing a blog about Tim Duncan alone is almost blogger suicide. Thoughts that people will have as much interest reading this, as they will an instruction booklet for a self colonoscopy, is mildly upsetting.  But I want everyone to sit-back and appreciate the NBA playoffs this year, especially professor Duncan.  If you don’t appreciate him for what he “does”, do it for what he “doesn’t”.  Check this rant….

 

 

Want a stat that will absolutely blow your mind? Since 2000 there have been 657 players arrested in the NFL. Yes, you heard that right. (This number only includes players that were arrested while ON a roster.  So Titus Youngs 3 arrests last week would NOT be included in this number)  And that is just the number I can find. Think about how many have been unreported, mis-reported, or simply hidden from the records because “money talks”. But we dont care that seemingly 90% of every player in the league is a thug.  We don’t care that every Sunday we cheer on horrible citizens because they are bigger, faster, and stronger than anyone else. I dont give a crap who you killed, just get me some fantasy points!  I don’t care that the Vikings threw a boat-cruise party that allegedly involved sexual assault, drugs, alcohol, prostitution, and everything else I would consider I good time. Im actually bummed I wasnt invited.  The affidavit reports that Viking players were receiving oral sex performed on them while the crew of the boat watched. Creeps. Who watches and tattles, and doesn't wait in line? Regardless, I still wear my  purple jerseys with pride. There are so many athletes getting arrested we are immune to it, and you just figure everyone has been in trouble so why not just support them? This makes no sense especially when the one persons jersey we should buy, Timmy, we shun. I’ll buy an Allen Iverson jersey to help support his bankruptcy, legal restitutions, and because it’s cool, I just don’t want to turn my TV to TNT and see Timmy doing cross-over, up-and-unders against the Bobcats.  Seriously Tim, take your Philanthropic efforts elsewhere you dork.   

 

We would rather watch JR Smith and Carmelo fist fight each other on who can get the worst shots up, or who has the most repulsive tattoos, than watch Timmy add ring number 5 to his collection. Is there a worse PERSON in the NBA than the entire Knicks team? I used to HATE the Denver Nuggets of 4 yrs ago. Why? Because of Melo, Smith, Kenyon Martin, and the “birdman”. Thinking about how BAD they are for basketball, being teammates in general, their ridiculous tattoos, the off-court issues, dirty play, constantly running of their mouths without any merit of championships makes me hate them. (This is where this "sports guy" gets "disgruntled") Check out the rap sheet on JR Smith.  My most HATED person in the NBA.  Ever:

 

This jackass is whats wrong with professional sports. 

 

On February 2, 2007, Smith and teamate Carmelo Anthony were involved in a car accident. Neither player was injured in the collision. The only detail released by the team was that the car J. R. was driving belonged to Anthony.  (I wonder why?)

 

On June 9, 2007, Smith and two passengers were injured in a car accident when the SUV he was driving collided with another car. Smith and a passenger, Andre Bell, were ejected from the vehicle at around 5:30 p.m. Smith's vehicle appeared to have gone through a stop sign and collided with the other car. Smith was taken to Jersey Shore University Hospital. Bell suffered serious head wounds before being pronounced dead on the night of June 11. Neither Smith nor the second passenger suffered life-threatening injuries. Smith and Bell were not wearing seatbelts at the time. In October 2008, a grand jury in New Jersey declined to indict Smith on a vehicular manslaughter charge stemming from the accident.

 

On June 30, 2009, Smith pled guilty to the June 2007 accident. Smith was initially sentenced to 90 days in a Monmouth County (N.J.) jail, but 60 of those days were suspended, on the condition that he completes 500 hours of community service. On July 31, 2009, the Denver Post reported that Smith was released from jail after serving only 24 days of his sentence.

 

On August 28, 2009, Smith was suspended 7 games for the 2009–2010 NBA season because of his guilty plea in the 2007 reckless driving incident. The NBA also cited his poor driving record as grounds for the suspension. Smith's driving record included five suspensions in eight months, but was "in good standing" at the time of the crash in New Jersey. He was required to pay restoration fees and fines. Smith totaled 27 points against his record from April 2005 to January 2006, including eight violations on seven different days. Five citations were for speeding. Since the accident, he has received two more speeding tickets and three license suspensions in New Jersey^.

 

On August 5, 2009 Smith closed his Twitter account (jr_smith1) because he was accused of writing in a way that reflected the Bloods gang, specifically replacing his c's with k's.

JR Smiths girlfriend is such a keeper.   

 

In March 2012 Smith was fined $25,000 by the NBA for posting a picture of model Tahiry Jose on his Twitter account.

This is what a professional basketball player (JR) thinks is "ok"
to post to his twitter account.  And he made 3 million dollars this year. 

 

In May 2012, Smith was arrested in Miami for failing to appear in court in 2011 (for operating a motor-scooter with no valid license).

 

 

Oh I’m not done yet with Mr. Smith. After researching this cat ,I also found out some awesome things that everyone should know, because well, it’s pretty damn comical what a clown this guy is. So much of a clown, remember those awful tattoos I told you about? Smith has a giant (and by giant, I mean his entire back) tattoo of clown. Oh wait there's more.  You'll never guess what the phrase above the clown says??? YEP, you guessed it: JUST KLOWNIN'...How deep, intellectual, and spiritual. The next time someone mentions J.R. Smith in a sentence, right before you tell them "you know he killed his best friend in a car wreck?" you should say "you know he has a giant clown tattooed on his back that says "just klownin" right?!...With a K?!"  I know if I just murdered my best friend in a car wreck the FIRST tattoo I would get would be a giant back piece with “JUST KLOWNIN”.  Some of his other rad tats are flames on his arms that say "through the fire", the words "swish" on his neck, and the phrase "in love with my money" on his chest. What a butthole.  Actually, what an ass Klown.   

 

 

Last year the Knicks asked him to remove his Twitter account because he has no common sense. He once responded back to a female who tweeted to him "Im going to your game tonight" his response "you tryin to get that pipe"?  Although that is completely funny, it frustrates me that this guy makes tens of millions a year, but isn’t enough of a grown up to successfully manage a twitter account.

 

He was fined $25,000 for posting a picture of his porn-star girlfriends ass laying on his bed, in his hotel room while she was watching TV. The caption read "its kind of hard to concentrate on the game with a view like this". Thanks boo...

 

J.R.'s father who also played basketball is quoted as saying in an interview "Defense was the last thing I taught him. You can make it to the league without defense." Every basketball coach in the world just puked in their mouth. Another awesome quote from his dad "you know what I told J.R? I told him, 'Every time you get in, shoot it! He's going to take you out anyway. So you might as well shoot it" I guess that explains how JR has developed such great shot selection. I tried to play a drinking game once. It was: everytime JR pulls a 25 footer with more than 18 seconds left on the shot clock everyone drinks. We all blacked out by half-time.

 

Two years ago during the NBA lockout some of the ballers left to play overseas to make extra cash. Smith was one of those playing for the Zhejiiang Bulls in China. In his contract though he needed it to say he would show up for practice when he wanted. Some of the Chinese players interviewed said he almost never showed up for practice. Just games. The coach said JR missed over 80 practices in 4 months! This makes me think about the stereo-type that China has with the work ethic of Americans, and how they outwork us, out-practice us, out-study us, etc... Then JR Smith shows up and does this. Great example of the USA huh?  He also was forced to sign a contract this year with the Knicks that said he would have a curfew of 2am on game-nights. Yes, he was forced to be in his room on nights before a game, by 2 am. What a teammate! Another great story I read about JR in China, was when his sister came to visit him, and watch some games. In the 3 games she watched, she started 2 brawls in the stands. She was quoted as saying "I didnt even start the last one!" (This is all true stuff people. There really are human being like this, that make MILLIONS of dollars)

Picture taken before game 5 of the Boston series.  What a teamate! 

Rihanna tweets JR on BLAST!

 

Now, how about Carmelo? The most overrated player in the league.  Led the league in scoring. Cool. Guess what else he did? He averaged 6.9 rebounds a game!!! He's 6'9"! He averaged 1 more rebound a game than PG, Russell Westbrook and 1 more than Kobe. We know rebounding and defense is mostly effort.  Melo averaged less rebounds per game than Paul George, and the same as Evan Turner, both guards. 37th in the league in rebounding! How does he EVER get in ANY MVP discussions? Nice effort Melo. 37th??!! This year Kobe should win an NBA record first-team defense for his 10th year! Kevin Garnett, The "glove" Gary Payton, and a guy named Jordan, have all won first team all-defense 9 times. Previously mentioned Tim Duncan, (before I started ranting on the Knicks) has 8 respectively. Guess how many times Melo has won either 1st, 2nd or 3rd team? Yep. The same number of rings he has. No coincidence. Coaches and fans listen up: If you want your kids to idolize, or look-up to basketball players, think about who gives the most effort, and who is not a criminal. Think about who rebounds and who plays defense. Melo is the worst at effort-related stats!!  Want another stat that will knock your New York Knickerbocker Socks off? Melo has the worst playoff winning percentage for ANY player in NBA history. I can think of some stats I would NOT want to be associated with. Wilts 20,000 is not one of those.  Thats impressive.  This one is. Watching the Knicks should make you hate basketball, not like it. Watching a game film of JR Smith and Carmelo should be punishment for coaches that get too many technical’s during the season. But what it should really do is give you an appreciation for San Antonio and Timmy.  San Antonio is the antithesis of Carmelo and the Knicks.  The Spurs do everything "ugly" and win.  The Knicks do everything flashy and lose.   

Wilt claimed to have slept with 20000 different women in his playing days. Lets crunch some numbers:  If Wilt started at the age of 15, and went to 55, he would have had 40 years to crush 20K.  Thats 500 per year or 1.4 per day.  Is this the most amazing sport stat ever?  I barely have enough time in my day to shower?? 

 

 

As I write this blog is it ironic that Timmy just crushed my injury-ridden Lakers and beat up the youngsters from Golden State, averaging 17.5 ppg, 7.5 rpg, shooting over 50% from the floor, and JR Smith has already been suspended a game for losing his temper and throwing an elbow at Jason Terry and is averaging 33% from the field, in this year’s playoffs ( starting to write this after the Knicks dressed up for the game in all black outfits to symbolize the "death" of the Celtics in game 5. Celtics win, and force a game 6! As a Laker fan, Im not supposed to root for the Celtics, however, when a team like the Knicks dresses in all black and gets beat, I love it!) Carmelo after the first 5 games of the playoffs was averaging 30 ppg. Great, he’s also shooting 39% from the field, averaging 1 assist and .2 offensive rebounds per game! Yes, there is a decimal in-front of the 2. Smith is averaging 16ppg but is shooting 38% from the field and ave 1.5 assists per game....as a guard...When asked where he'll be watching the game while he got suspended, Smith replied "I get a day off man, I’m going golfing". It’s more embarrassing that if you ask a thousand 14 year-olds who is their favorite player is, more will say JR Smith and Carmelo over Duncan? See what I mean? We're getting old.

So this year instead of changing the channel everytime the boring Spurs are on, try and watch. Watch tattoo-less, no criminal record, no chest beating, psychology degree holding, boring hookshot, and hardworking Timothy Theodore Duncan, be more productive on both ends of the floor than anyone. Reflect that you’re witnessing a "dinosaur" about to go into extinction. In 30 years the NBA will be filled with "JR Smiths" taking horrible shots just to make sportscenter and get attention. We'll be telling our kids and grandkids what it was like back in the old days. Back when basketball players used to have jumpshots, gave effort, were not a detriment to society, and had a sweet mid-range game. Ahhh those were the days....(cue Springsteins "glory days” Im going shopping for a Duncan jersey and short shorts)