It's Never Sunny in Seattle.

Now you can buy a Seahawk #71 jersey with your milk and bread at Rosauers.  Barf-a-roni

I’ve decided from now on I’m only going to date chicks that are from Seattle.  They’ll just be happy without a ring.  And I'm so tired of the bandwagon that has become “Hawk nation”, I can’t handle it like a Mariner shortstop.  So here you go Seahawk fans.  Here you go Seattle.  You suck, and here’s why:

Oh Seattle…You’re so cute in your North Face fleece wearing, double-mocha latte sipping, depressing 90’s music listening, maddening traffic driving, lifeless weather experiencing, and terrible sports team backing.  Yes, I’m jealous of the Seahawks.   Yes, I’m so jealous, it has inspired this rant.  You ARE actually good this year and it makes me nervous that you might win it all.  So I better get a few cheap shots in before someone tags “beastmode” on my house in teal and lime green or poisons my dog with Skittles.   But, just like everyone who has ever loved Gonzaga basketball, watched Dumb and Dumber 2, or purchased the latest Kanye album, I’m also predicting a giant let-down.  Some things in life sound like a good idea but just aren’t.  They are, in no particular order: a kiss on the cheek from a grandparent, jogging, waterbeds, watching Transformers because it’s the 6^th highest grossing film of all-time, 50%off protein bars, taking a laxative to shed a few pounds for a photo shoot, AND cheering for any team that's from Seattle .  So I can’t help but hate on the city that is most famous for throwing fish.  Leeggo…

If you ask almost anyone from the East coast what is the first thing they think of when they think of Seattle, a wide majority will respond “where Kurt Cobain killed himself.”  Nice.  I’ve always heard from people that Seattle has the highest suicide rate in the country.  But whenever someone brings that up in conversation, there is always one wanna-be hipster friend in the group, that emphatically says “nuh uh, Portland is” like it’s a cool hipster thing to be proud of.  (Portland people do say this) So, I did a little research on my own.  Part of the fun of writing these blogs is that I get to research crap that I’ve been hearing, and ignorantly repeating, without knowing the truth.  Here’s what I found:  Yes, Portland DOES have a higher suicide rate than Seattle.  (There you go hipsters.  IPA’s for everyone ) And it's no real surprise that Las Vegas has the highest rate.  BUT the funniest, but not-so-funny stat that I DID find:  Seattle has the 2^nd highest non-successful suicide rate of any city!!! Bahahaha.  Next to Dallas, Seattle people try to kill themselves and miss it, more than any other city.  HA.  You can’t even win that stat either, you losers.  Talk about a giant city of attention-getters.  (Another fun game to play when you’re around those smelly Portland people, is to say “you know it rains more in Seattle than anywhere in the northwest?”  Wait for it…”Nu uh, Portland does”…hook, line, and sinker) 

Ok, on to the next statistic I had to research to get actual facts for.  I know you’ve all heard some made-up stat (Dads and uncles are famous for these stats) that “you know, I just heard that Seattle has just passed San Francisco for the worst city as far as traffic goes?!”  Hmmm…I better check:  According to a CBS report I found from last year, Seattle is the #5 worst city to drive in America, and #7 in the world.  This suicide thing is starting to make sense.

Facts are fun.  Lets do more! 

-In 2013, the Seattle Mariners were 25^th in home attendance filling 45% of their seats for the entire year.  However, on the road, they sold 67% of the home teams’ capacity.  So other cities draw better when the Mariners come to town, than Seattle does AT HOME!!!  Other cities appreciate Seattle, more than Seattle?  I bet Oklahoma City would appreciate the Mariners.  I bet Portland would “kill themselves” for a baseball team. (See what I did there) But I don’t blame Mariner fans for never showing up.   Cheering for the Mariners is like dating someone from Whitworth: It sounds like a great idea at the time, but it takes at least 3 nights to get to third base.

True Mariner fans.  Both of them. 

-This year Forbes magazine ranked Seattle as the #1 most miserable sports franchise!  Woo Hoo!  Lets party like its September 10^th!  Let’s consider some numbers using the Mariners, Sonics, Seahawks, and Pilots.  Seattle has had a collective 115 years in existence to win a championship.  Take a wild O.J Simpson stab at how many they’ve won?  1.  LOL.  1 in 115 collective years.  Congrats 1979 Sonics!  Seattle sports has an all-time championship round record of 1-3 and a semi-final round record of 4-7.   Seattle sports is a bigger let down than spinning the wheel at Fast Eddies.  “Oh, another $5.00 chip!”   Seattle sports are more disappointing than scrolling through THE facebook the day after Nelson Mandela died and all you see is “R.I.P. Paul Walker, my first crush” bullshit.  I think another local rapper from Seattle said it best: “What, what? What? What, what? What, what? What? What, what?”- Macklemore

-Although the names Kurt Warner, and Curt Warner are homonyms, they are hardly synonymous.  One won 2 MVP awards, a superbowl MVP, and is now an accomplished philanthropist and football commentator for the NFL.  The other is the running backs coach for Camus High School, AND the name every real Seahawk fan has to say he owned a jersey of, when he/she was little, to prove they didn’t just NOW jump on the bandwagon.  

-Texas A&M started the 12^th man in 1922, and trademarked the term in 1990.  Seattle started the tradition of raising a 12th man stadium flag before kickoffs in 2004.  ^]The Seahawks continue to use the phrase, having settled with Texas A&M out of court, after a trademark lawsuit was filed by Texas A&M.  Instead of thinking of their own phrase, they would rather pay money to Texas A&M, and STEAL that one?!  And to make matters worse, now the Spokane Shock has the 9^th man!  Thanks a lot Seattle.  Now we have degenerate, white-trash, #9 Shock jerseys flooding our Wall-mart’s, because Seattle can’t come up with their own marketing idea. Now I have to see #9 on the boobs of the Shock dance team every time I try and watch them, and all I can think about is how much I hate it!  First the Aggies start it, Seattle steals it, and now the Shock steal it again.   It’s like 3^rd generation douchbaggery-theft. 

Home of the 12th man, Texas A&M.  Somehow confused with Capitol Hill. 

-No Husky football fans, you don’t have a lone national championship.  It’s shared with Miami. And in the two decades since then, you’ve seen the Seahawks go without a playoff win until 2005.  You’ve seen the Sonics up and move, but not before their infamous playoff meltdown to Denver (they were the first #1 seed to lose to an #8 seed).   And just when the Mariners finally got good, they lost Ken Griffey Jr., Randy Johnson and Alex Rodriguez (I must fight A-Fraud) then somehow failed to reach the World Series despite winning more games than any team in American League history.  See what I mean Sea-town, you let more people down than a syndrome with too many chromosomes.   

Meet Gary.  Gary lubs the Thehawks.

 I will admit though, I hate not having NBA hoops 4 hours away.  The last time I saw the Sonics was 5 years ago and I was clad in a Laker, #8 jersey,  and watched Kobe go for 47, 8, and 6.  Yes I was one of those obnoxious, drunk fans, that chanted MVP, MVP every time he went to the line and I loved it.   “It’s ironic, I had the brew she had the chronic, The Lakers beat the Supersonics”.   I also love bringing up to Sonic fans that in 1987 you traded Scottie Pippen to the Bulls for Olden Polynice.  Pippen went on to win 6 championships with the Bulls, widely considered one of the best small forwards of all time, hall of famer, number retired, one of the 50 greatest players of all time.  Polynice went on to an illustrious career as the color guy for the WNBA’s Sacramento Mystic.  Advantage: Chicago.  

Ok, it’s time again to chat football.  'Tis the season.  If the Raiders are the most comical team, and the Cowboys are the most overrated,  then the Vikings West (I’m pretty sure half the Seahawk roster is made-up by former Vikings) are by far the biggest annoyance.   Ok, time for a rant with-in a rant.  Is every fourth person in the world a Cowboy fan?  And why?  Because they were good when people started to like football?  Because girls like "stars" and boys like how cool "America's team" sounds?  Everyone our age jumped on the Cowboy train in the 90’s when they were relevant, and now are wishing they could trade teams faster than their Dez Bryant jersey?  I mean he’s a great role model?  Hey Cowboy fans, you have 1 playoff win in 20 years!  Shut.  Up.   



Pete Carroll.  Get a life.  Stop chewing your gum like a Doberman licks peanut butter.  Stop trying to prove how “young” you are by throwing the ball around and jog/limping up and down the sidelines.  If you wouldn’t have gotten caught cheating at USC, you would still be there, giving recruits houses, and trying to convince young co-eds to jump in your convertible camero.   

Russell Wilson.  Get a personality.  Just once will you let America know who you really are?  We are dying to see you get out of “robot mode”.  Just once can you give an interview without saying “First I give praise to God, and secondly my teammates for really pushing today.  I mean you have to give credit to fill in the team, they are such a good team….”  Blah blah blah.  Wilsons canned answers make me want to increase the un-successful suicide rate of Seattle.  “Hey Russ.  Nice shoes where did you get them?” “Oh, great question Shane.  First though, I would like to thank God for letting me wear shoes.  Secondly, you really have to give credit to the shoe salesmen at Nordstrom.  I mean the salesmen at Niketown are SOO good too, so I’m just fortunate to have these on my feet, and I’m really just looking forward to my next foot purchase with all my teammates.” That’s why I love Jameis Winston.  His interviews radiate personality, leadership, and he can beat a rape charge faster than Big Ben. 

Sometimes I think whatever happened to David Chapelle?  And then I realize he's Russel Wilson.

Hey Seahawks team, how many times are you going to get suspended for drug use?  Is that 8 or 9 suspensions in last three years?  I forgot because I stopped taking aderol.  In 2006 Brandon Browner missed multiple notifications for drug tests because he reportedly “let his cell phone service lapse”.  Fact.   I swear this cheating team gets away with murder.  (See Ray Lewis blog) 

Hey Paul Allen, how come you can’t afford braces? 

One of the richest men in the world....always has candy corn in his mouth. 

Hey Richard Sherman, how come the only person you’ve ever talked shit to ‘with your helmet off’ was someone who endorses UGGS?  (See Tom Brady blog)   Is Richard Sherman the most annoying person in the world?  Somewhere Jamie Patrick is at a Nickleback concert, wearing a #9 Shock jersey, and even he thinks so. 

hide yo wife, hide yo kids,

Hey Lil’ Jon, I mean Marshawn Lynch, why don’t you ask for a trade to New Orleans?  You have that “look”.  I will give Seattle some credit however.  "Beast Mode" sounds much better than yelling "GO FETAL ALCOHOL SYNDROME!!!" 

Hey Golden Tate, ever heard the saying “act like you’ve done it before? 

Hey Seahawk fan wearing a #12 jersey with “fan” on the back, throwing Skittles.  Is your last name really "fan?"  Go fuck yourself.  With your rainbow colored hands.  In your jersey.   

Hey girl at the bar who gets her conversation about hair styles interrupted to randomly give hi-fives and post “Love my Hawks!”, you’re not fooling anyone.  And they're not "your" Hawks.  They are Paul Allen's.  He's the guy that helped invent freaking computers, not the latest updo.   

Hey dipshit in your recently purchased Steve Largent jersey, quit yelling “D-Fence” on 3^rd down at the TV like you’re actually at the game.  *According to the Puget Sound Business Journal, last year Seahawk merchandise went up 88 percent after the week 13 win against Chicago, and by the end of the season, total sales went up 242 percent!!!  This should infuriate every person reading this that considers themselves a FOOTBALL FAN.  Where were these people 5 years ago?   If you can’t present me with a 3^rd grade picture of you wearing your Hutch uniform to school, with a “Boz” haircut, then kick rocks.  If you CAN present me with a #3 Rick Mirer jersey, my sincere condolences.   

Hey people of Spokane, quit saying “I’m not on the bandwagon, I just support my local team.”  First, it’s not “local”. If you want to jump on a local bandwagon try North Central High School where they’ve won 8 cross-country state titles in a row.  Girls, get off instagram every Sunday in your freshly purchased Wilson jersey, and get back to making my Americano.  #beastmode #selfie #hawknation.  Quit saying you grew up here, so that’s why you like the Seahawks.  It’s not called the Washington Seahawks, it’s the Seattle Seahawks, so you don’t HAVE to like them because they are 4 hours away.  Get a mind of your own, and pick a team like other girls do.  Pick the team with the cutest quarterback (See Tom Brady post.  Shit.)  or the best colors, and quit liking them just because your boyfriend does.  He’s going to cheat on you anyway.  

…..Actually….DON’T!  Keep doing it!  Go on and post-away!  Because when another Seattle “local” team chokes again, and they will, I will re-post this blog.  I will help ease your pain with my posts of : SEATTLE STORM WNBA WORLD CHAMPIONS, 2004, 2010 POSTS!!!  I’ll say awesome things like “don’t worry Seattle fans, you still have your Sounders!”  You support them more than you do real sports, like baseball and basketball anyway!!!” 

So when you’re cheering for your Seattle fill-in-blank team this year, and in the future, understand you’ll probably get really excited about them, but in the end you’ll be let down.  Realize that “sports blue-balls” also comes in Sea Green and there is no use in crying over spilled non-fat lattes.  I’m warning you.   Kurt Cobain.  Thanks a lot Seahawks.