Christmas Wish List

I know ALL of you have been anxiously waiting for my Christmas list to come out so you can buy me wonderful gifts.  So without further ado, here is the “Disgruntled Sports Guys”  top 15 gift ideas for 2012. Enjoy.

necklaces: making even manly sports, not-so manly



Baseball Necklace: for balance? Perfect for those field sobriety tests after X-mas parties. Sold on the Major League Baseball website, “Phiten ropes” claim to "stabilize your electric current inside the body by allowing the flow of energy". Hmm, "flow of energy"? Sounds like it might help "performance" hitting "homeruns" another way doesn’t it? If that is the case, goodbye Viagra, hello "Phiten" homosexual looking-sailboat rope-athletic-pot smoking- necklace!

Tim Tebow replicate rib. After week 10 against the Seahawks, Tebow complains to the team physician he has soreness in his rib cage. A CT scan two Wed ago revealed he had suffered two broken ribs. Personally I believe God has actually stolen Timmy's rib, and is trying to create another overrated human. We will call this human, woman.

A new truck. It’s so tough to shop for cars these days with all the AWESOME commercials that are out there (insert sarcastic emoticon).  If you really want me to buy your truck, quit making shitty commercials.  I dont need my vehicle to climb a spiral ramp shooting fire or to tow the space shuttle.  And no, Brett Favre doesnt drive an old beat up Chevy with a dog riding shotgun.  He drives a Cadillac, with a shotgun riding shotgun, and one of his "assistants" he's cheating on his wife with is chugging beer in the back seat. 

You know that awkward feeling you have the first time you hear Blake Griffin try to say "infotainment system", and then stare creepily at the camera, with all his half-black ginger self can? No? Well its the same feeling you had when you were in Caesars’ Palace and stumbled upon the all-time hits leader "Charlie hustling" for $12 dollar signatures on olds Reds posters. Still no? It’s how you feel every time when you watch Casey Calvary, high as a mo-fo, seemingly 30lbs. lighter than his playing days, sludge through the Crosspoint Autoplex commercial and say "and tell em' Casey sent ya" with as much enthusiasm as a 3-toed sloth playing chess in syrup.  He clearly is the antithesis of Jay Buhner when I hear Jay yell "and tell em' the Bone sent ya!"

Special-edition Tony Romo throwback playoff jersey. Since the 1995 season when they won their last championship, and virtually everyone we know from the ages of 24-40 who jumped on their bandwagon, has seen their beloved Cowboys win 2 playoff games. 2 playoff games in 17 years! Americas team! Tony Romo has 1 playoff win! 1! LOL! Tim Tebow for "God's" sake (see what I did there) has 1 freaking win! Let me put this in perspective: Joe Montana has 16 playoff wins and so does Tom Brady who will probably get a couple more this year.

Lets play a quick game sports fans: Better Quarterback?  Kordell Stewart and Rex Grossman OR Tony Romo

Kordell Stewart and Rex Grossman have 2 playoff wins each, BUT unfortunately have never boned Jessica Simpson, Carrie Underwood, Miss Missouri Candace Crawford, or Sophia Bush. Advantage: Romo.

Tony did not fumble this snap.



Special Steelers Jersey- Coincidence that the Steelers play in their special "Stealers" prison jerseys the same week that Big Ben and his wife have a baby (I’m thinking this one was consensual?).  Maybe? Don’t want me to go there you say? Too bad. Sometimes no means keep trying. Right Ben?!

More awkward: the prison jerseys or
Isaac Redman posing in the bathroom?

Eli Manning Cologne and Crocs. Look people, I’m not trying to get anyone pregnant in 2013 either.

Eli Manning has a better body than the worlds most perfect human,
Tom Brady.  There, I said it. 

Obama answers my wish. In a sincere, and well-thought-out letter that the the President should clearly understand, I ask President Obama to take a portion of all the hard-earned, self-made, money away from baseballs richest team, the Yankees, and give a portion of that money to say, THE TWINS, a lesser, not as rich team, that clearly needs more money to compete for next years title. After all, that is why all people with money, make money, right? To help out others? PLEASE!
Hockey Holdout continues. In case you missed it, and unless you have "toonies" in your pocket, end sentences with "eh", and have a mix-tape of Shania Twain and Celine Dion in your snowmobile, you probably did. There is no hockey this year due to a holdout, and my wish is for it to continue. Its not that I dislike hockey. Hockey is great to watch in-person, and I envy the skill to play. But I HATE that during the hockey season at least 5 undeserving plays a night make Sportscenters top 10?! And not only that, but all the hockey highlights take up at least 10 min for every 30 min show, and its during football and basketball season?! NO! I need to see the fights, and that’s it. No fights= no highlights= no Barry Melrose. Hey ESPN, nobody cares, so quit trying to be fair about your highlights in regards to sports. I would rather watch my friend Brady take a 5 min dump, or sit through a Dwight Howard free throw practice than see 10 min of slapshots and mullets.

The only highlights I want to see are
the ones in their mullets.

Stewart Scott, crazy eye glasses. These glasses are soo funny everytime I see him and it never gets old. Its so realistic how he can look at you through the TV in 14 different angles and keep a straight face the whole time. Perfect for laughs during the holiday season. Want to scare your friends? Get Stewart Scott eye-glasses! Want to be the life of the party? Go all “Stewey” on em! 


Brittney Griner penis pump....

Won "woman" athlete of the year? 



This is NOT Jerry West

Bar Rafeli wearing nothing but a Kobe jersey. OR Kobe wearing nothing but a Kobe jersey?...

One eye black strip. Firstly, do I have to buy them in a package of two and just keep one handy when my douchiness runs out, and then replace it, or can you actually buy them in singles? I thought this wasnt cool anymore after Lisa Left Eye Lopez burned down Andre Risons mansion? If the purpose of eye black is the keep the glare out, is wearing only one strip like saying you only get glare in one eye? Why? Remember when you were in college and you wore really regrettable things to look cool, and now looking back you hate yourself? I wish I never would’ve bought XXL FUBU, Sean John, Phat Farm tall-T's, pierced my ears, and played extremely distorted bass, gangster rap in my Escalade but I did. And now I think "how did I have friends?" So if anyone reading this thinks it's cool to wear one eye black strip, or pull your actual eye black down your cheeks like a 7th grade girl in fast pitch a.k.a. Bryce Harper (I'll give him a pass, he actually should be in college) now is your chance to stop it! Actually take it back Santa, I don’t want to look like an idiot this year. One eye black strip is more worthless than doing forearm curls at the gym.

Lebron James Hair-Spray Paint, and cell phone This year the new Lebron phone called the "ijames" comes out. It’s perfect for business meetings or times when you don’t want to be bothered by a bunch of "rings" like the "Kobe" or the "Air Jordan" phones. It simply just has one ring.

And just like how Lebron hides his receding hairline by pulling back his headband further and further each year, I too can cheat old age by getting that black spray paint they market as "balding remover" to get rid of my greys! Thanks Labron. Someday scientists will discover that you were actually 37 when you entered the league. How is it at 51 years old you are still so athletic?  But at the same time how also at 51, Greg Oden, has been outscored by 8,000 pts. by Olden Polynice?

Here's my theory: In a scientific experiment funded by the government in the late 60's, scientists take the DNA from Wilt Chamberlain (an easy task) and mix it with 3 time gold medalist, and “fastest woman on the planet” Wilma Rudolph's DNA, to make one giant milkshake of superhuman-athletic-sexual fluids. YUMM!  The experiment goes bad. The fertilized egg splits, creating twins. Lebron gets all of the good DNA, and all of the best nutrients, while Greg Oden gets deprived of everything except the "tall" gene. It is now safe to say, Lebron is to Arnold Schwarzenegger, as Greg Oden is to Danny Devito.



Oden, age 19.  When I was 19 I was trying to hide acne
and burp the alphabet.  Actual age: 46

Actual age 51









Peyton Manning actual size helmet/ 42 in plasma TV. Not only is it funny to me every time an analyst says "he's so cerebral", but arguably the best QB ever, is having another MVP season and his head cannot get any bigger. You try and pack around a projection TV on your shoulders and escape neck surgery?! Lets throw a tape measure around that dome and see if Barry Bonds swims in it.  He went from the "Colts" to the "Broncos" so his marketing campaign can make him look more "horsey". He's actually John Elway's teeth away from turning into a horse. When he goes to Arby's he orders extra horsey sauce...ok, I’m done horsing around now.  

I bet Peyton Manning is hung like...

Honey Badger for Washington Governor Bumper Sticker. "Its legal and we still don’t give a shit". Tyrann Mathieu declares for the NFL draft the same month Washington State makes marijuana legal. Coincidence? No chance. Get ready Seahawk hippies and hipsters (your city is polluted with both) you’re about to get a new back-up nickel-back/ punt returner and he's going to wear jersey number "420".

Hi.  My name is not Ricky Williams, but I would rather smoke
weed, than make millions of dollars.  Oh, and I have one-eye
black strip.  Hate me now. 



Zags Wine and Fans Whine.

Yes! The season has arrived! There are few times of year when I truly get a “sports boner” and this next week you might not want to stand in-front of me. There really is only one week a year when baseball, football, and basketball are all simultaneously crashing through my TV, and colliding into my eyes and ears, for one giant athletic orgy of emotions. I think this celebration calls for a drink.

Even the "Red wine" looks more athletic than
the Whites from years past.  Very nice blend. 

No, but really, in celebration of the new basketball season and in preparation of endless “Kennel” FB pics we’re all about to see, running through our timelines faster and more frequent than the self-pics-in-the-car-looking-at-the-road-with-glasses-on-pics, I’m going to combine a couple of my favorite topics for this months blog: making fun of Gonzaga basketball fans, and drinking!

The other day I was in Costco and I noticed that you can now buy “ZAGS” wine bottles…no seriously you can. So obviously I bought one, and here is my wine review: (disclaimer: I probably have drunk 5 bottles of wine in my life, so having me do a wine review is like listening to Jessica Simpson give a speech on the quantitative molecular physics of licking your elbow...Unless you count Franzia and Boones Farm in college, then I’m a connoisseur, so here goes.)
 

ZAGS wine: At first you’re skeptical about the wine this year, because you know that last year’s wine ended like the other past 12 seasons. The hype for this wine, although regarded as“Americas wine", is mostly a Northwest taste, especially significant in Eastern Washington. The colors are delightful. America’s colors.  And the packaging and labeling will get your taste buds salivating. You remember how at the end of last year everyone told you to “watch out for next years wine” "it’s going all the way". The preseason rankings of this wine, in most wine magazines, are like most as in years past. The “expert” wine drinkers rank it in the top 20 of all the wines in the Nation getting everyone excited again for wine season! At first when you smell the wine, you notice a strong, bold, odor that makes you think it really might be a top 15wine this year. But you know better. You know this wine couldn’t possibly be different from all the wines in the past could it? Could this wine really be the one?  This isn’t really as much of a “white” wine as in years past, this one’s much more athletic. 

So you taste it. You taste it with every positive, ban-waggoning, hopeful-its-not-overrated, taste bud you got. And to be honest, it’s not too bad! This wine starts out on your lips and hits the first of your taste buds with flair. These buds are in-charge of the salty/sweet portion of tasting, and boy is it. This wine will probably beat a few other good wines at the beginning of wine season that were also highly ranked, hence the “sweet” flavor you get. But, just like in years past they will also lose a couple of matchups they should’ve won leaving you with a hint of “salty”. But, thanks to the easiest wine conference in America, the ZAGS wine will coast through and beat almost every one again, bringing their ranking back up to 15-20 by the end of wine season, and ready for run at the final four wine championships.  And just like in years past, this years flavor of ZAGS wine might win its first matchup in the round of 64 top wines, and have everyone in Spokane buying wine and drinking it faster than Zag hoopsters on a Sat at Marquee. But they will undoubtedly lose to another wine in the second or third round leaving most fans with another“bitter” taste again.

After careful tasting, there will be some that consider this wine a success, and there will be some that consider this wine a disappointment. I on the other hand, will sit back and laugh at those that think that next year’s wine will be better just as they do every year.  And when I do taste next years ZAGS wine, I’ll be accompanying it with my Cougar Cheese, watching former ZAGS wine updates, as they prepare for a life overseas.  Hey, Europe has great wine!  Cheers! 

 

 

Future European standouts!!!
 

Top fantasy players for 2012 at each major position.  QB, RB, R, TE, D, and my sleeper.  Obviously I’m leaving out the kicker as it doesn’t matter who you select, and let’s face it, the kicker is used to being left out. 

 

QB- Don’t gamble on “what-could-be’s” when you can pick proven winners.  Don’t take risks on Cam, Vick, Luck, or RGIII, even though they may have a tremendous upside.  If you do take a running QB that might gain you a few extra STDs  (Scrambling Touch Downs.  Not to be confused with the other STDs, like when Justin Blackmon had an “inner thigh infection” before the Fiesta Bowl) you’ll need a strong backup, as running QBs are more prone to injury.  Your top picks this year should include Tom Brady, the world’s perfect human being.  Drew Brees.  If you pass on Brees and he beats you like a mean bounty hunter, remember I told you so.  And lastly, how could you go wrong with Aaron Rodgers?  He’s going to give you a bunch of “STDs” (go ahead and laugh), and at least if he does have a bad year, you won’t have to stomach the fat “cheeseheads” chugging Milwaukee’s Best,  and screaming DISCOUNT DOUBLE CHECK every time he scores.  That got old in week 3 of last year.  Stop it people!  It's not cool anymore. 

RBs- Don’t lose sleep picking your  top running backs, as anyone in the top 15 could be this year’s #1. Including A.P. (His injury is making him work harder on being faster and stronger.  Scary.) Matt Forte, Chris Johnson, MJD (no matter who he might play for), LeSean McCoy, Jamaal Charles, Ray Rice, the list goes on...But for my fantasy entry money (Not true.  Everyone knows gambling outside of the gaming commission is illegal, and myself or my friends would never do this.) this year is going to be an even better year for Arian Foster.  He’ll win the rushing title, he can score on the ground and in the in air, and with no contract distractions and two good hamstrings (technically you have 3 in each leg, unless you’re Usain Bolt.  Then you have four.), he’s going to score you the most fantasy points. 

 

Receiver- Unlike the RBs, the receiving core gets thin right away after the big names are taken, and guesswork comes in.  But who is the best?  This one, in my opinion, is the only no-brainer, one-sided argument you can make.   Without fantasy points you could make a strong argument for Andre Johnson, Roddy White, and Larry Fitzgerald.  But White’s production should taper off due to the emergence of Julio Jones. Dre’ is 31 now, has battled injuries, and missed 12 games in the last two years.  And Fitzgerald, although reliable, and probably the best hands in the league, has declining numbers, mostly because the drummer for Def Leppard has a better arm than the jokers they have in Phoenix, to throw the ball to him.  Your number one fantasy receiver is an obvious choice:  Calvin Johnson, a.k.a. megatron, and should be a top 7 pick on your draft boards. 

 

TE- Jason Witten and Antonio Gates are great picks here, but the real question is Gronk vs. Jimmy Graham?  Gronk, Rob that is, not to be confused with his brothers Dan and Chris who also play TE and FB in the NFL.  Nice DNA Mr. Gronk, can I have some?  He’ll split catches with Aaron Hernandez, so conventional wisdom tells you to take the athletic Graham.  But how can you not like Gronk?  Just say it.  Gronk.  Cool huh?  He’s easy to root for because he drinks beer, dates porn stars, and gives interviews like the loveable dumb jock in H.S. that grew up to be the P.E teacher.  Last year he broke the record for TDs by a TE (18) and finished with more receiving yards than all but 5 wideouts!  Say it again…GRONK! 

 

D- The Niners finished first in D fantasy last year, returning all 11 starters, and are my pick to finish first again.  They only allowed 3 rushing TDs in all of 2011, and last year’s rookie Aldon Smith (14 sacks a year ago) is a year stronger, and wiser.  By “wiser” I mean he knows he earns enough money now that he doesn’t have to go to house parties to get drunk, where he might get stabbed….oh wait…

 

Sleeper Pick- Tired of being photo-shopped out of family pictures and always the one taking the pictures on family vacations, Cooper Manning spends the off season with Melky Cabrera and Lance Armstrong, comes out of “retirement,” and wins this year’s comeback player of the year award.  A year later we all wonder where he exactly “came back” from?   

 

 

 

 

Olympic Review



The "boy band" of Europe...but still pretty hot. 



Why were there no Mexicans representing any Olympic events?  Because everyone that can run, jump, or swim, already made it to the U.S.   I already miss parts of the Olympics and it hasn't even been a week.  It finished with such a bang too, with the closing ceremonies.  Anytime you get reminded that the “Spice Girls” are actually alive, it counts.  I thought I would compile some of my thoughts and tweets from the last week in a “in-case-you-missed-it” re-cap of this years Olympics. 

"what the F is that piece of crap logo" said by everyone in every country

Funny how we sit on our poly-saturated fat butts for two weeks on our couches, and ridicule the best athletes in the world in the Olympic games, ironically sponsored by McDonald's, but that’s exactly what I did.  It starts with the opening ceremonies.  What in the Ralph-Lauren-played-dress-up-with-his-athletic-action-figures did we wear?  Berets.  Ah haa, I get it, making fun of the French on European soil?  I wonder if they got it?  Probably not. 

"I don't always search the internet for bad uniforms, but when I do, 'eye-brows" 



As usual I hate watching the Olympics when NBC feels the need to give us history lessons.  I watch the history, discovery, and travel channels to get fun-fact information every year.  I get the Olympics every four years….PUT ON SOME SPORTS PLEASE!  Fun fact you forgot to mention NBC:  Did you know the British invented the “toothbrush”?  Pretty cool huh, especially because if another country invented it, it would’ve been named the “teethbrush”.  Thank you.

Within the first week we had teams from China, South Korea, and Indonesia disqualified for “not using their best effort to win qualifying matches because they wanted a favorable draw” in badminton.  The United States did not get caught however, because they were too busy winning at sports that actually matter.  Because in some delusional people’s eyes, Tim Tebow does nothing wrong, and the fact he is a quarterback that CAN NOT pass, inspired my tweet “Tim Tebow, can’t throw a badminton match”. 

Better "Big Ben", London or Pittsburgh?

Halfway through the first week in gymnastics and watching China take a small, brief, lead in medals I say to myself “I wonder if the Chinese just have two or three really good super-athletes that they use for all the events with different names, or do they really have 1.3 billion twins in their country?"   This inspired me to do some research on my own and without Mary Carillo force feeding me useless information I look up stuff that actually matters.  My google search history reveals  “hottest chick pole vaulters” and “legal age to have sex in London”.  Hey, that’s not creepy, I just want to make sure Shawn Kemp doesn’t sneak into the Olympic village and single-handedly double the population of Cameroon.  They've got enough bastard children.  Also lets be honest, you have to make sure the flexible camel toe, you've been ogling over on the uneven bars ,is at least 17, or it makes your thoughts more unsettling than a Jerry Sandusky signature day-care.  God, I hope I never have daughters.  Or sons. 

And seriously China, you have 1.3 billion people (compared to 313 million in the US) and shove your children at a young age into sports camps that resemble a Todd Marinavich training facility.  You can only muster 88 medals to our 104!  At least the US waits until college before we let our athletes slide on academics, as long as they can run fast or jump high.  On a really sad note the country of India with a population of 1.2 billion earned 4 medals.  4.   4.  1.3 billion people.  F-O-U-R.  They looked so much faster when they were stealing stuff in “slumdog millionaire” too?  In comparison Michael Phelps has 22 medals and 18 golds sitting next to his bong.  Take that 7-11!

One thing that really irks me every fourth-year though is the worthless events they call “sports” and the people that do them called “athletes.”  Ok, I get it, archers used to hunt for food to survive so they made it a measurable challenge called archery.  Also they used to have athletes wrestle naked, and if they lost they would be killed off or lose popularity.  This isn't an Olympic sport now though, thanks to Kim Kardashian.    Here are some sports that not even Morgan Freeman narrating could make exciting.  And trust me, Morgan Freeman could announce your daily dump and make people intrigued. 

Rhythmic gymnastics.  Sweet twirling, ribbon-lady from Azerbaijan, now sew my Nike's please. 

Sailing. I have no interest in calling this a sport when the how-to rules for your sport include:  1. Purchase a million dollar state-of-the-art sailboat.  2. Find wind.   3.  Hang on.  (this "sport" takes slightly more athletic ability than a game of "battleship") 


Equestrian.  Same thing as above with a slight difference.   1. Purchase million dollar horse.  2.  Hang on.  Now that takes talent.  I saw a 4 year old at Riverfront Park on the carousel that could've won Bronze. 

Synchronized Swimming:  First off, don’t kid yourself, you're not "swimming" anywhere.  Secondly, why?  Every time I see this I think to myself “What in THE hell are you doing”?  Thank god they got rid of “solo, synchronized swimming”.  You could actually medal in this a few Olympics ago, and if you have any kind of intelligence you’re probably thinking what I’m thinking.  “What in THE fuck are you synchronized too if you are solo”?  I made up a name, I call this "oxymoronic".   (oxymoron + stupidity= oxy-moron-ic)  Unless you’re 65 years or older, this “sport” is unwatchable.   Some blue-hairs call it "water ballet."  Good job.  Lets take the most boring thing ever, and do it in the water, side by side.  Up next in the 2016 Olympics: Synchronized Underwater Accounting!!!

Fresh off their swimsuit cover shoot, the Saudi Arabian team takes on Islam in a beach volleyball match.  Sex appeal runs rampant in the stands after a forehead, and a wrist are seen on the jumbo-tron in slow motion.   

Synchronized Mens Diving:  Because regular diving isn’t quite gay enough…

Trampoline:  The first time you watch this you think “holy crap they get really high”,  then you are reminded this is taking the place of womens softball, and are furious you have to watch celebrity softball games to drool over Jenny Finch. 

From Sydney in the 2000 Olympics, this video is one of the funniest I have ever seen.  Stereotypes rule.

Pentathlon:  Consisting of events where competitors engage in fencing, swimming, riding horses, and shooting, it encapsulates absolutely nothing in real life or any event in history.   There was never a soldier that needed to fight his way out of danger with a sword, swim across a lake to safety, grab the nearest horse while jumping over branches and trees, and while making a last dash on foot, has to occasionally stop and fire his pistol at targets.  WTF?  This sounds more like the plot to the “Princess Bride” than an Olympic sport.  Besides the actual fighting with the sword part it seems to have a lot of running away and escaping.  I bet the French invented it. 

Team handball-  Seriously?  If this sport that we loved, but stop playing in gym class, is an Olympic sport so too should : scooter races (I still have scars on my knees) , crab soccer (actually no, never mind, if it ends in soccer it sucks), the parachute game (I still remember the first time our gym teacher pulled out a freaking parachute out of the closet, where did that come from?), kickball (still an all-time favorite), dodgeball (No brainer. Imagine a team compiled of all the Dominican shortstops with quick feet, amazing hands, and rifle arms) Red Rover (the tiny Japanese team chanting “ROVER RED ROVER, SEND RAY LEWIS ON OVER.  BOOM!  Hiroshima!) 

Table tennis-  Alright continent of Asia, listen up.  Its called Ping pong, not table tennis.  And we don’t care if you dominate; we’ll kick your ass at something that really matters….like beer pong. 



This will be your favorite picture too when you find out why.  Hint: count the players, and see who was in-charge of taking the pictures. Double Hint: No love for Love, like when Peyton and Eli make Cooper take family photos.   

               
 Skeet Shooting- Every time I see these overweight “athletes” I think “thank god for “Kentucky or we would never medal."  Then I think “I wonder if they get their own music before they shoot like baseball players before they go up to bat?  Because if so, everyone of them should play Ying Yang Twins, 'skeet so much they call me Billy Ocean.'  That is all.  That is all I think about skeet shooting…try and not laugh the next time someone on TV says skeet shooting.  It should be a porn competition, not an Olympic event. OK I'm done now…

Some of the things you probably didn’t see but I highly recommend are the BMX races.  Finally a sport that almost every person on earth has done, ride a bike.  Not everyone can swim unless you’re white, and not everyone can run or jump unless you’re black, but almost everyone has rode a bike. 
That was refreshing because some of these events confused me more than when the gender-check-ladies made South Africa's, Caster Semeny, drop her drawers.  "What do you mean she doesn't have a wiener?"  Another thing that confused me was when I was trying  to research the Mexican Olympic Basketball team.  Unfortunately, they didn’t have enough competitors to forge a full team to scrimmage each other, so they had to play Juan on Juan.  Also, did you see how you can appeal judges scoring in gymnastics this year?  I'm watching the Japanese team carry a wad of money up to the judges and the announcers say "if you're a little confused, or if you think this looks fishy, its the new way to protest.  If you win the protest, you get you're money back."  I'm actually dead serious now people, look it up.  Oddly enough the Greek team was not confused.  Back to joking.    

Somewhere Eddie Murphy is getting turned on. 

Olympic sportsmanship at its very finest!

               
 Even though we owe trillions of dollars to other countries, are fatter than anybody, and score worse than anyone in our student aptitude tests:  We kick ass at sports, Olympics, and world wars, where we happen to be back to back world champs, and that’s all that really matters!  USA! USA! USA!  (no wonder everyone hates us) 

The Worst "Sport" Ever

Want to know what I hate more than rioting, death, bad acting, scarves, and vuvuzelas?  Soccer.  Because everything I just mentioned stems from soccer and soccer is what they make you play when you end up in hell.  So here are the top 10 reasons why soccer annoys me more than when people ask me “hey, can I ask you a question?"  (of course you jackass, I don’t have a choice and you just did anyway)

worst actor ever? or best potential
soccer player? you decide. 

10.  Bad acting.  You thought Nicolas Cage was bad?  These guys make Manu Ginobili look like Al Pacino.  Nothing is worse than watching those bad Euro haircuts flop around on the ground like they just got shot after someone brushes up against their shin guards.  People that argue that soccer is rough have obviously never watched closely.  Let’s compare two ridiculously dumb activities that shouldn’t exist.  Soccer and Cheerleading.  According to Google, in the last 50 years there have been 75 deaths that have occurred while cheerleading compared to a paltry 13 in soccer.  You can make the case that cheerleading is more rough and tough than soccer now cant you? 

this is way funnier when you notice
he has no weiner

too soon?

9.  Uniforms.  Why is it still acceptable to wear John Stockton athletic gear made of silk and rayon bursting in bright colors with advertisements all over them?  The soccer uni’s for the U.S. in the upcoming Olympics look like prison uniforms. ( In a related note the Raiders are mad they missed this marketing strategy.)  Also the popular soccer company Umbro named one of their soccer shoes the “Zyklon”.  Guess what Zykon is?  Here let me cut and paste from Wikipedia :  Zyklon B (German pronunciation: [tsykloːn ˈbeː]; also spelled Cyclon B or Cyclone B) was the trade name of a cyanide-based pesticide infamous for its use by Nazi Germany to kill human beings in gas chambers of extermination camps during the Holocaust.  

Oh those Germans, they’re so cute with their great marketing, cool ways to pronounce the word Volkswagen, and hot ovens. 

immediately after this picture was taken the ball
was popped, then spread with butter and eaten

8.  People that argue that soccer players are the best conditioned athletes.  When you’re young and are forced to play soccer because there is nothing to do in the one month time frame between football and basketball, everyone chases after the ball and swarms around it like a bunch of ants on a melting popsicle.  But the older you get, you realize that not only do you not have to run the whole time; you are forced to stay in your position and zones.  Soccer players are not the most conditioned athletes.  They walk, stand, and sometimes jog.  Once every 3 min they have to sprint for 10 seconds until someone gives up and kicks the ball out of bounds so everyone can rest again.  A study done on Everton FC (Liverpool, England) in the mid 70’s estimated the distance covered was just less than 8800 meters per game and 2/3 of the distance was covered at low intensities of walking and jogging, while only 800 meters covered sprinting in numerous 10-40 meter bursts.  Wow!  3 miles of walking and jogging.  That happens everyday at 24 hour fitness by millions of fat people.  Congrats!

7.  Time.  Is there anything more ridiculous than how soccer matches are timed?  In soccer, and soccer only, the time of the game goes up.  It starts at 0:00 and goes up until... this is where is gets really dumb…nobody knows!!! The game is supposed to be two, 45 min halves in length but the referee MAY add extra time on the end of the match due to injuries, substitutions, etc…This creates virtually NO drama, no late min scoring (2 min drill in real football, pulling the goalie in hockey, last second 3 pointer, etc…) and adds subjectivism based upon the referees secret decision to “add time.” 

6.  Scoring.  This would be higher on my list but it’s oh so obvious.  Personally I got bored playing soccer after I couldn’t average 3 goals a game anymore when I was young.  But what is worse than the boredom caused by watching a 90 min match (plus who knows how much time) and having it end in a tie?  Nothing.  50% of soccer matches end in a “kissed your sister”.  What a gutless “im not sure how I feel” feeling.  This is communism at its finest.  Everyone wins.  Everyone loses.  Everyone is equal.  Also my piss is boiling every time I hear an Englishman utter the phrase “ends in a nil, nil tie.”  To “tie” shouldn’t be part of sports.  To jog for 3 miles and not score a single goal is frustrating.  Scoring is so low that they show “almost goals” on Sportscenter because those are highlights.  What’s worse is hearing the word “nil”.  It is degrading to every math teacher, ever.  There is not a numeral called NIL!  There was never a math question that asked “if I have 2 apples, and I give them to the communist kid next to me, how many apples do I have then?”  NIL!

5. THIS GUY..... http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=IjynbUNlvWU

try and sing the "life goes on"
theme song and tell me that
doesnt get stuck in your head.

poor, retarded, and missing limbs.  MVP, MVP!

4.  The people that use the argument “it’s the most popular sport in the world.”  Of course it is.  It’s a sport for poor people, retards, and great for amputees too!  Do you have dirt? Yes.  Do you have something that could resemble a sphere?  Yes…Then you have soccer.  It’s so mindless you could learn how to play it by watching foosball at Fast Eddies.   1.  Don’t use your hands. 2. Kick ball in net.  Done.  The perfect game for special ed kids to grasp!  Saying it’s the best sport because it’s the most popular is like saying the Honda Civic is a better car than a Porsche because more people drive them.  The US men’s soccer team has one 3^rd place world cup finish in 1930 and that’s it.  Not even a fourth place in over 80 years.  The woman’s team won in 91’ and 99’, and the only thing we remember is when Brandi Chastain ripped off her shirt.  Oh, except if you’re in kindergarten through 6^th grade.  Then you get a “participation medal”.  Ok, so I might sound like a grumpy old man, but I remember when we got a trophy we EARNED it.  Nowadays “Jimmy” gets a medal for picking his nose and drinking Capri Sun’s at halftime because the “Crescent Valley Insurance Crushers” just took 7^th place.  Parents are worried it might hurt his feelings and discourage him from being a part of something if he doesn’t get one, or improve his confidence by bringing a trophy that every other kid has to show and tell.   I’m not a parent,( that I know of) but rest assured there will be no 4^th place or participation medals to be displayed in my house.  You want to be proud of something, then DO SOMETHING!  I don’t give a damn if you play soccer, the trumpet, or are a mathlete, be the best damn nerd you can be and earn that shit!!!

shameless Kirby Puckett pic

3.  No stats. I remember growing up, collecting cards, and being able to recite Magic Johnsons career F.T. % or Kirby Puckets RBI totals for the past 3 years.  How boring would a soccer card be?  “Hey look!  Last year this guy scored 3 goals, attempted 11, passed the ball 25698 times, had two bad faux hawk haircuts, 7 successful flops causing a penalty kick, and started 3 riots!  What a stud!  Get that guy a genocide shoe deal!!!

2.  Penalty Kicks.  Penalty kicks only occur in tournament style play.  If you think its ridiculous that there is a “sport” where 50% of the games end in a tie, wait until you hear how they decide to end the others.  Let’s just say I walked and jogged for 3 miles and when I was done, the referee puts an unknown amount of time on the clock moving up,  and when that’s done I look at the scoreboard and it reads NIL. NIL.  Now I have to decide my countrymen’s fate on a game of heads or tails.  a.k.a. “a shootout”.  The shootout is the most preposterous overtime in any sport.  It has nothing to do with the 90 PLUS minutes that just recently happened.  In basketball and baseball there is continuous overtime and innings until someone wins.  You wouldn’t end the games by having a jumpshot contest or a homerun derby, but soccer does.  Hockey has shootouts too you say?  Yes, and there is skill involved, on ice.  Plus it resembles gameplay where that situation probably has already occurred various times throughout that game, and it’s much harder to get a puck through a much smaller window.  At hardly no point in a soccer match is there ever a time in the 90 PLUS min. that a person is lined up perfectly in front of the goal.  So close to the net that the goalie (Who oddly has completely different rules and a different silky appalling uniform than the rest of his team.  Name another sport where one person gets to have different rules and wear really cool snowboarding gloves because the one shot he might have to block could hurt his hands?)  will NEVER stop the ball unless he guesses which direction the ball is going.  If I’m a hockey goalie I react.  If I’m a soccer goalie, I guess.  The minuet the ball is kicked the goalie has to dive one way or the other or he will not even get close to the ball and then his team will lose, causing his country to riot in madness because of their loss, AND causing the opposing teams country to riot in victory.  SWEET!

I used to think soccer was crazy but now I can see its nuts

if I borrow the goalies gloves
I can get better grip...

1.  Fanatics of Soccer.  By far the most evil and pitiful part of soccer is the people who defend it.  It’s not really the soccer players’ fault ,their parents taught them at a young age that it’s ok to not play football for fear of being injured and run away from your fears.  Instead they grow up to be the passive-aggressive person who is winner no matter their outcome of life.   It’s not their fault they were taught that it's acceptable to tie, which resembles absolutely nothing in real life.  That you should fake injuries or flop to gain an advantage teaching them that being a cheating dishonest human being is not only tolerable but you may be knighted.  Or even their fault that their parents made them play a game that ruins their hand-eye coordination, screwing them up for real sports later in life.  I’m sorry but hand-eye coordination is a must when debating about the best athletes, or hardest sports to play. 

The fans at soccer games sing songs.  Why?  Am I going to lose my train of thought and jump off sides because the scarf wearing, skinny jeans, never-competed-in-sports-but-wants-to-feel-like-they're-part-of-something-buffoons are crooning “They shoot!  They score!  They’ll eat your Labradors!”  to the Vietnamese team?  (ok, that actually would be funny). 

I bet the score was nil, nil

The fans around the world are notorious for rioting.  Just recently 79 people died and 900 were injured in Egypt where a riot erupted.  Want to know why they rioted?  THEY WERE WATCHING SOCCER!  When I Googled soccer riots the first headline you see is “Hundreds of outraged Turkish soccer fans stormed the field and clashed with police after a scoreless game”…ok I’ll stop there.  Did you read the word “scoreless”? Of course they rioted.  If you had to sit through 90 PLUS min. of heavy petting and not be able to “score” you would want to hurt someone too.  No wonder there are so many fights in 8^th grade. 

Here are some of my favorites and the explanations why:  (people dying because of soccer is oh so funny...)

March 30, 1955 — Santiago, Chile; Six died when 70,000 tried to jam into the stadium for the finals of the South American soccer tournament. Argentina beat Chile 1-0.

May 24, 1964 — Lima, Peru; 318 people are killed and another 500 injured in riots at National Stadium after Argentina beats Peru in an Olympic qualifying match. The pandemonium breaks out when the referee disallows a Peruvian goal in the final two minutes.
June 23, 1968 — Buenos Aires, Argentina; 74 people are killed and over 150 injured following a first-division game between River Plate and Boca Juniors when fans trying to leave the stadium mistakenly head toward a closed exit and are crushed against the doors by other fans unaware of the closed passageway.

Jan. 2, 1971 — Glasgow, Scotland; 66 people are killed and 140 are injured when barriers in Ibrox Stadium collapse near the end of a match between Celtic and Rangers and fans are crushed. The incident occurs when fans leaving the stadium are met by a group trying to return after hearing that Rangers had scored an equalizer.

March 4, 1971 — Salvador, Brazil; A fight and a wild rush broke out in the grandstands, killing four and injuring 1,500.

Feb. 17, 1974 — Cairo, Egypt; Crowds attempting to enter a club game broke down barriers and 49 people were trampled to death.

Oct. 31, 1976 — Yaounde, Cameroon; After a penalty kick was awarded to Cameroon in a World Cup qualifying match vs. the Congo, the Congolese goalie attacked the Gambian referee. A fight broke out and the president of Cameroon, watching the game at home on television, sent in paratroopers by helicopter. Two bystanders died.

Dec. 6, 1976 — Port-au-Prince, Haiti; At a World Cup qualifier between Haiti and Cuba, the visitors scored and a Haitian fan set off a firecracker. Fans thought it was gunfire and panicked, knocking down a soldier, whose gun went off and killed a small boy and girl in the crowd. Further panic caused two people to be trampled to death, and one man died jumping over a wall. The soldier committed suicide.

Oct. 20, 1982 — Moscow; 340 are reportedly killed at a European Cup match between Soviet club Spartak Moscow and Haarlem of the Netherlands. Police are blamed for pushing fans down a narrow, icy staircase before the end of the match. When a late goal is scored, exiting fans try to re-enter the stadium and create a "human mincer." Moscow officials dispute the claims made in the publication of the Soviet Sports Committee, saying only 61 died and police did not push fans.

May 29, 1985 — Brussels, Belgium; 39 people are killed at the European Champions Cup Final at Heysel Stadium when riots break out and a wall separating rival fans of England's Liverpool and Italy's Juventus of Turin collapses.

March 10, 1987 — Tripoli, Libya; 20 people are killed when panic-stricken fans flee knife-wielding ruffians and trigger the collapse of a wall. (This report conflicted with those from the Libyan state news agency JANA, which said two people were killed and 16 were hospitalized.)

April 15, 1989 — Sheffield, England; 96 people are crushed to death at an English FA Cup semifinal game between Liverpool and Nottingham Forest, when police open gates to alleviate crowding outside Hillsborough Stadium. The resulting rush of people onto the already filled terrace sections traps fans against riot control fences ringing the field.

Jan. 13, 1991 — Orkney, South Africa; at least 40 people are killed, most of them trampled or crushed along riot-control fences that surround the field, when fans panic and try to escape brawls that break out in the grandstand.

June 16, 1996 — Lusaka, Zambia; Nine soccer fans were crushed to death and 78 others injured during a stampede following Zambia's victory over Sudan in a World Cup qualifying game.

July 14, 1996 — Tripoli, Libya; A riot at a soccer match involving a team controlled by a son of Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi killed or injured up to 50 people. No exact figures were reported in the Libyan-controlled press.

Oct. 16, 1996 — Guatemala City; At least 78 people died and about 180 others were injured during a stampede at a stadium before a World Cup qualifying match between Guatemala and Costa Rica.

April 6, 1997 — Lagos, Nigeria; five fans were crushed to death and more than a dozen were hospitalized when, following Nigeria's 2-1 World Cup qualifying victory over Egypt, the crowd of 40,000 head for exits and three of the five main gates were locked.

April 23, 2000 — Monrovia, Liberia; At least three reported dead and others injured as thousands of fans forced their way into an overcrowded stadium for a World Cup qualifier between Liberia and Chad.

July 9, 2000 — Harare, Zimbabwe; Thirteen people died after a stampede at World Cup qualifier between South Africa and Zimbabwe.

April 11, 2001 — Johannesburg, South Africa; 47 people were killed during a league match between Kaizer Chiefs and Orlando Pirates in an overcrowded soccer stadium. People outside tried to push into Ellis Park stadium and were trapped against barbed wire. Police had earlier fired tear gas at people stampeding outside the stadium.

.....okay, you get the point. But there have been many more deaths since 2001.  Hip-hop-hooray! 


*Now don’t you just LOVE soccer?!!!  I know what most soccer backers will say to me now, just like they always do, “Shane, you just don’t get it”…You couldn’t be more right Mr. Hooligan, and I never will...