The Worst "Sport" Ever

Want to know what I hate more than rioting, death, bad acting, scarves, and vuvuzelas?  Soccer.  Because everything I just mentioned stems from soccer and soccer is what they make you play when you end up in hell.  So here are the top 10 reasons why soccer annoys me more than when people ask me “hey, can I ask you a question?"  (of course you jackass, I don’t have a choice and you just did anyway)

worst actor ever? or best potential
soccer player? you decide. 

10.  Bad acting.  You thought Nicolas Cage was bad?  These guys make Manu Ginobili look like Al Pacino.  Nothing is worse than watching those bad Euro haircuts flop around on the ground like they just got shot after someone brushes up against their shin guards.  People that argue that soccer is rough have obviously never watched closely.  Let’s compare two ridiculously dumb activities that shouldn’t exist.  Soccer and Cheerleading.  According to Google, in the last 50 years there have been 75 deaths that have occurred while cheerleading compared to a paltry 13 in soccer.  You can make the case that cheerleading is more rough and tough than soccer now cant you? 

this is way funnier when you notice
he has no weiner

too soon?

9.  Uniforms.  Why is it still acceptable to wear John Stockton athletic gear made of silk and rayon bursting in bright colors with advertisements all over them?  The soccer uni’s for the U.S. in the upcoming Olympics look like prison uniforms. ( In a related note the Raiders are mad they missed this marketing strategy.)  Also the popular soccer company Umbro named one of their soccer shoes the “Zyklon”.  Guess what Zykon is?  Here let me cut and paste from Wikipedia :  Zyklon B (German pronunciation: [tsykloːn ˈbeː]; also spelled Cyclon B or Cyclone B) was the trade name of a cyanide-based pesticide infamous for its use by Nazi Germany to kill human beings in gas chambers of extermination camps during the Holocaust.  

Oh those Germans, they’re so cute with their great marketing, cool ways to pronounce the word Volkswagen, and hot ovens. 

immediately after this picture was taken the ball
was popped, then spread with butter and eaten

8.  People that argue that soccer players are the best conditioned athletes.  When you’re young and are forced to play soccer because there is nothing to do in the one month time frame between football and basketball, everyone chases after the ball and swarms around it like a bunch of ants on a melting popsicle.  But the older you get, you realize that not only do you not have to run the whole time; you are forced to stay in your position and zones.  Soccer players are not the most conditioned athletes.  They walk, stand, and sometimes jog.  Once every 3 min they have to sprint for 10 seconds until someone gives up and kicks the ball out of bounds so everyone can rest again.  A study done on Everton FC (Liverpool, England) in the mid 70’s estimated the distance covered was just less than 8800 meters per game and 2/3 of the distance was covered at low intensities of walking and jogging, while only 800 meters covered sprinting in numerous 10-40 meter bursts.  Wow!  3 miles of walking and jogging.  That happens everyday at 24 hour fitness by millions of fat people.  Congrats!

7.  Time.  Is there anything more ridiculous than how soccer matches are timed?  In soccer, and soccer only, the time of the game goes up.  It starts at 0:00 and goes up until... this is where is gets really dumb…nobody knows!!! The game is supposed to be two, 45 min halves in length but the referee MAY add extra time on the end of the match due to injuries, substitutions, etc…This creates virtually NO drama, no late min scoring (2 min drill in real football, pulling the goalie in hockey, last second 3 pointer, etc…) and adds subjectivism based upon the referees secret decision to “add time.” 

6.  Scoring.  This would be higher on my list but it’s oh so obvious.  Personally I got bored playing soccer after I couldn’t average 3 goals a game anymore when I was young.  But what is worse than the boredom caused by watching a 90 min match (plus who knows how much time) and having it end in a tie?  Nothing.  50% of soccer matches end in a “kissed your sister”.  What a gutless “im not sure how I feel” feeling.  This is communism at its finest.  Everyone wins.  Everyone loses.  Everyone is equal.  Also my piss is boiling every time I hear an Englishman utter the phrase “ends in a nil, nil tie.”  To “tie” shouldn’t be part of sports.  To jog for 3 miles and not score a single goal is frustrating.  Scoring is so low that they show “almost goals” on Sportscenter because those are highlights.  What’s worse is hearing the word “nil”.  It is degrading to every math teacher, ever.  There is not a numeral called NIL!  There was never a math question that asked “if I have 2 apples, and I give them to the communist kid next to me, how many apples do I have then?”  NIL!

5. THIS GUY..... http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=IjynbUNlvWU

try and sing the "life goes on"
theme song and tell me that
doesnt get stuck in your head.

poor, retarded, and missing limbs.  MVP, MVP!

4.  The people that use the argument “it’s the most popular sport in the world.”  Of course it is.  It’s a sport for poor people, retards, and great for amputees too!  Do you have dirt? Yes.  Do you have something that could resemble a sphere?  Yes…Then you have soccer.  It’s so mindless you could learn how to play it by watching foosball at Fast Eddies.   1.  Don’t use your hands. 2. Kick ball in net.  Done.  The perfect game for special ed kids to grasp!  Saying it’s the best sport because it’s the most popular is like saying the Honda Civic is a better car than a Porsche because more people drive them.  The US men’s soccer team has one 3^rd place world cup finish in 1930 and that’s it.  Not even a fourth place in over 80 years.  The woman’s team won in 91’ and 99’, and the only thing we remember is when Brandi Chastain ripped off her shirt.  Oh, except if you’re in kindergarten through 6^th grade.  Then you get a “participation medal”.  Ok, so I might sound like a grumpy old man, but I remember when we got a trophy we EARNED it.  Nowadays “Jimmy” gets a medal for picking his nose and drinking Capri Sun’s at halftime because the “Crescent Valley Insurance Crushers” just took 7^th place.  Parents are worried it might hurt his feelings and discourage him from being a part of something if he doesn’t get one, or improve his confidence by bringing a trophy that every other kid has to show and tell.   I’m not a parent,( that I know of) but rest assured there will be no 4^th place or participation medals to be displayed in my house.  You want to be proud of something, then DO SOMETHING!  I don’t give a damn if you play soccer, the trumpet, or are a mathlete, be the best damn nerd you can be and earn that shit!!!

shameless Kirby Puckett pic

3.  No stats. I remember growing up, collecting cards, and being able to recite Magic Johnsons career F.T. % or Kirby Puckets RBI totals for the past 3 years.  How boring would a soccer card be?  “Hey look!  Last year this guy scored 3 goals, attempted 11, passed the ball 25698 times, had two bad faux hawk haircuts, 7 successful flops causing a penalty kick, and started 3 riots!  What a stud!  Get that guy a genocide shoe deal!!!

2.  Penalty Kicks.  Penalty kicks only occur in tournament style play.  If you think its ridiculous that there is a “sport” where 50% of the games end in a tie, wait until you hear how they decide to end the others.  Let’s just say I walked and jogged for 3 miles and when I was done, the referee puts an unknown amount of time on the clock moving up,  and when that’s done I look at the scoreboard and it reads NIL. NIL.  Now I have to decide my countrymen’s fate on a game of heads or tails.  a.k.a. “a shootout”.  The shootout is the most preposterous overtime in any sport.  It has nothing to do with the 90 PLUS minutes that just recently happened.  In basketball and baseball there is continuous overtime and innings until someone wins.  You wouldn’t end the games by having a jumpshot contest or a homerun derby, but soccer does.  Hockey has shootouts too you say?  Yes, and there is skill involved, on ice.  Plus it resembles gameplay where that situation probably has already occurred various times throughout that game, and it’s much harder to get a puck through a much smaller window.  At hardly no point in a soccer match is there ever a time in the 90 PLUS min. that a person is lined up perfectly in front of the goal.  So close to the net that the goalie (Who oddly has completely different rules and a different silky appalling uniform than the rest of his team.  Name another sport where one person gets to have different rules and wear really cool snowboarding gloves because the one shot he might have to block could hurt his hands?)  will NEVER stop the ball unless he guesses which direction the ball is going.  If I’m a hockey goalie I react.  If I’m a soccer goalie, I guess.  The minuet the ball is kicked the goalie has to dive one way or the other or he will not even get close to the ball and then his team will lose, causing his country to riot in madness because of their loss, AND causing the opposing teams country to riot in victory.  SWEET!

I used to think soccer was crazy but now I can see its nuts

if I borrow the goalies gloves
I can get better grip...

1.  Fanatics of Soccer.  By far the most evil and pitiful part of soccer is the people who defend it.  It’s not really the soccer players’ fault ,their parents taught them at a young age that it’s ok to not play football for fear of being injured and run away from your fears.  Instead they grow up to be the passive-aggressive person who is winner no matter their outcome of life.   It’s not their fault they were taught that it's acceptable to tie, which resembles absolutely nothing in real life.  That you should fake injuries or flop to gain an advantage teaching them that being a cheating dishonest human being is not only tolerable but you may be knighted.  Or even their fault that their parents made them play a game that ruins their hand-eye coordination, screwing them up for real sports later in life.  I’m sorry but hand-eye coordination is a must when debating about the best athletes, or hardest sports to play. 

The fans at soccer games sing songs.  Why?  Am I going to lose my train of thought and jump off sides because the scarf wearing, skinny jeans, never-competed-in-sports-but-wants-to-feel-like-they're-part-of-something-buffoons are crooning “They shoot!  They score!  They’ll eat your Labradors!”  to the Vietnamese team?  (ok, that actually would be funny). 

I bet the score was nil, nil

The fans around the world are notorious for rioting.  Just recently 79 people died and 900 were injured in Egypt where a riot erupted.  Want to know why they rioted?  THEY WERE WATCHING SOCCER!  When I Googled soccer riots the first headline you see is “Hundreds of outraged Turkish soccer fans stormed the field and clashed with police after a scoreless game”…ok I’ll stop there.  Did you read the word “scoreless”? Of course they rioted.  If you had to sit through 90 PLUS min. of heavy petting and not be able to “score” you would want to hurt someone too.  No wonder there are so many fights in 8^th grade. 

Here are some of my favorites and the explanations why:  (people dying because of soccer is oh so funny...)

March 30, 1955 — Santiago, Chile; Six died when 70,000 tried to jam into the stadium for the finals of the South American soccer tournament. Argentina beat Chile 1-0.

May 24, 1964 — Lima, Peru; 318 people are killed and another 500 injured in riots at National Stadium after Argentina beats Peru in an Olympic qualifying match. The pandemonium breaks out when the referee disallows a Peruvian goal in the final two minutes.
June 23, 1968 — Buenos Aires, Argentina; 74 people are killed and over 150 injured following a first-division game between River Plate and Boca Juniors when fans trying to leave the stadium mistakenly head toward a closed exit and are crushed against the doors by other fans unaware of the closed passageway.

Jan. 2, 1971 — Glasgow, Scotland; 66 people are killed and 140 are injured when barriers in Ibrox Stadium collapse near the end of a match between Celtic and Rangers and fans are crushed. The incident occurs when fans leaving the stadium are met by a group trying to return after hearing that Rangers had scored an equalizer.

March 4, 1971 — Salvador, Brazil; A fight and a wild rush broke out in the grandstands, killing four and injuring 1,500.

Feb. 17, 1974 — Cairo, Egypt; Crowds attempting to enter a club game broke down barriers and 49 people were trampled to death.

Oct. 31, 1976 — Yaounde, Cameroon; After a penalty kick was awarded to Cameroon in a World Cup qualifying match vs. the Congo, the Congolese goalie attacked the Gambian referee. A fight broke out and the president of Cameroon, watching the game at home on television, sent in paratroopers by helicopter. Two bystanders died.

Dec. 6, 1976 — Port-au-Prince, Haiti; At a World Cup qualifier between Haiti and Cuba, the visitors scored and a Haitian fan set off a firecracker. Fans thought it was gunfire and panicked, knocking down a soldier, whose gun went off and killed a small boy and girl in the crowd. Further panic caused two people to be trampled to death, and one man died jumping over a wall. The soldier committed suicide.

Oct. 20, 1982 — Moscow; 340 are reportedly killed at a European Cup match between Soviet club Spartak Moscow and Haarlem of the Netherlands. Police are blamed for pushing fans down a narrow, icy staircase before the end of the match. When a late goal is scored, exiting fans try to re-enter the stadium and create a "human mincer." Moscow officials dispute the claims made in the publication of the Soviet Sports Committee, saying only 61 died and police did not push fans.

May 29, 1985 — Brussels, Belgium; 39 people are killed at the European Champions Cup Final at Heysel Stadium when riots break out and a wall separating rival fans of England's Liverpool and Italy's Juventus of Turin collapses.

March 10, 1987 — Tripoli, Libya; 20 people are killed when panic-stricken fans flee knife-wielding ruffians and trigger the collapse of a wall. (This report conflicted with those from the Libyan state news agency JANA, which said two people were killed and 16 were hospitalized.)

April 15, 1989 — Sheffield, England; 96 people are crushed to death at an English FA Cup semifinal game between Liverpool and Nottingham Forest, when police open gates to alleviate crowding outside Hillsborough Stadium. The resulting rush of people onto the already filled terrace sections traps fans against riot control fences ringing the field.

Jan. 13, 1991 — Orkney, South Africa; at least 40 people are killed, most of them trampled or crushed along riot-control fences that surround the field, when fans panic and try to escape brawls that break out in the grandstand.

June 16, 1996 — Lusaka, Zambia; Nine soccer fans were crushed to death and 78 others injured during a stampede following Zambia's victory over Sudan in a World Cup qualifying game.

July 14, 1996 — Tripoli, Libya; A riot at a soccer match involving a team controlled by a son of Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi killed or injured up to 50 people. No exact figures were reported in the Libyan-controlled press.

Oct. 16, 1996 — Guatemala City; At least 78 people died and about 180 others were injured during a stampede at a stadium before a World Cup qualifying match between Guatemala and Costa Rica.

April 6, 1997 — Lagos, Nigeria; five fans were crushed to death and more than a dozen were hospitalized when, following Nigeria's 2-1 World Cup qualifying victory over Egypt, the crowd of 40,000 head for exits and three of the five main gates were locked.

April 23, 2000 — Monrovia, Liberia; At least three reported dead and others injured as thousands of fans forced their way into an overcrowded stadium for a World Cup qualifier between Liberia and Chad.

July 9, 2000 — Harare, Zimbabwe; Thirteen people died after a stampede at World Cup qualifier between South Africa and Zimbabwe.

April 11, 2001 — Johannesburg, South Africa; 47 people were killed during a league match between Kaizer Chiefs and Orlando Pirates in an overcrowded soccer stadium. People outside tried to push into Ellis Park stadium and were trapped against barbed wire. Police had earlier fired tear gas at people stampeding outside the stadium.

.....okay, you get the point. But there have been many more deaths since 2001.  Hip-hop-hooray! 


*Now don’t you just LOVE soccer?!!!  I know what most soccer backers will say to me now, just like they always do, “Shane, you just don’t get it”…You couldn’t be more right Mr. Hooligan, and I never will...