Strippers Are Athletes

Today I feel like being positive and writing my sports blog on things that make me happy. But then I wouldn’t really be disgruntled would I? So I thought I can still be "disgruntled" AND make fun of people, AND that in-turn makes me "happy." Right? That’s what you do when you want to feel good about yourself, is make fun of someone else? Hmmm...Somewhere my parents are rolling their eyes thinking "where did we go wrong?" No, but really think about it, all year long I wait and I wait for the NFL draft, because every year when the Los Angeles/Oakland/ California Raiders pick, I cry from laughter. See, that makes me happy AND it’s making fun of the Raiders. I like where this is headed…

Mr. Russell recently said he is making a comeback (this is true) and has his weight down to 308 from 330. 
I guess the Raiders have found their new left tackle. 

A couple things have happened in the sports world lately, that you KNOW I couldn’t resist writing about. This is serious stuff that I’m motivated to go off about. I’m sitting down with my laptop, getting on my game-face with one eye-black strip, and I’m really going to try and piss some people right off! I've got some built up aggression because I keep seeing Britney Griner on top-scoring females list and I get really confused? So I’m going to take it out on some people, and I’m ready to start a battle! If I was at Notre Dame now I would be leaving the locker room, heading down the stairs, ready to take the field, and slapping the big blue and gold sign that says "play like your make-believe, dead girlfriend died today", and hit the field running faster than an Oscar Pistorius starters-gun-shot-wound. Here we go:

It takes some big balls to take this picture. 

Yes, I want to make fun of Manti Te'o. I want to think that his draft status will be much higher in "fantasy" football than the regular draft. I want him to change his facebook relationship status to "its complicated." (Joke stolen from Shane Rice's FB) I want his ex-girlfriend to be on "mythbusters". I want him to apologize for his shitty national championship game when he looked like a make-believe linebacker, and I lost money betting on my team to cover. I want him to just come out of the closet once and for all. Seriously, not only will anyone not care that you are gay (its 2013) think of the endless endorsement opportunities you could have?! Manti, you will make MORE money as a gay athlete. Be the first. Let me manage you! Even if you're not gay, fake it!  You’re good at that.  We all think you are gay anyway, and we're talking straight cash homie! Even if everyone finds out you're not gay later, nobody will really care, they've already fell in love with you, and we've already cashed in! Listen Manti, it’s like this: I once asked this girl named Nicole what her bra size was. She boasted “34 C”. Later, I find out it’s really 34 B. Call it "bait and switch" but I really don't care by this point anymore. I appreciated her “effort” and I was sold. See?

AJ McCarron, Im slowly begining to hate you. 

Manti listen up, I’ll get you endorsements in “Bed Bath and Beyond”, on-line dating services, blow-up dolls. The options are endless. "Manti Te'o signature-series capris now half-off at Macy's". "Te'o face lotion, with team-color loofahs!". "Fruit Roll-ups"!!! Uhhm hello Lululemon athletic gear for men!!! Think about an advertisement with Te'o putting cashew NUTS all over his face. Now THATS the new "Planters" pitch-n-catch man! Brilliant! I’m rich! Now, if i only knew how to start a relationship with him on-line and take advantage of him, I could really capitalize. Naw, he'd probably catch on. He's not really naive like those people that share, and write in comments on FB posts of other advertisements, because they think they might win something. Now THOSE people are naive.  (Stop it people. You're not getting a "black" Apple computer. Nobody is going to pick "you" to test the new PS4. And you are sure as hell not flying on Southwest by typing or sharing "Hawaii". It’s a way for companies to get ever-expansion-advertising praying on old people, retards, and blonds.) Wait a min, (light bulb) if I post one picture of Manti Te'o on my facebook advertising KY-jelly, and in that ad say "if you share, like, or comment in this picture, you could win a pretend boyfriend" think of the algorithm of endless campaigning every girl and gay dude I know could do for me?!!! $$$ I’ve always wanted to make money off lube!....uh....awkward....

I should stop being so insensitive.  Lets not forget
that a make believe, on-line girlfriend, that never
existed, IS DEAD!!!

Let’s see who else I need to put on blast, (pun intended) Oscar Pitstoriius. Seriously dude, you have/had a hot model girlfriend and front row parking places where ever you go. Is shooting her because she gave you socks for Valentines worth it? (If you just asked yourself, “is that really why he shot her”, than you are probably the same person commenting on the facebook advertising).  I mean I didn’t exactly get crazy on Valentines presents this year either but Oscars gift really blew her away. I really don’t think we should speculate him going to jail though. His lawyers have a good leg to stand on with their defense that no footprints were found on premise. But if for some reason he does go to jail, no need to fret about never seeing him in a race again. I’m sure in a prison, in South Africa, there are a lot of races he can be "in"......ok I’m done now...



You know what else is really bugging me lately? People that call non-athletic people, or people in non-athletic sports, athletes. I absolutely HATE it when people refer to non-athletes as athletes. I know I'll probably upset a few with this rant when I mention "your sport" as being non-athletic, but guess what? A. You’re probably fat. B. I don’t care.

Here is a list of my NOT athletic sports misconstrued as athletic ones:

10. Golf. Yes golf. Golf is skilled sport, not an athletic one. Skilled sports are learned and developed; athletic ones are god-given ability. Big difference. I’m not calling Tiger Woods an athlete because his sport doesnt even enable him to run. I’m pretty sure you have to actually run to be an athlete?  Can any of the top golfers in the world be good at any other sport besides golf? No. Tiger doesn’t get to make my list of top athletes just because he's black, and he doesn’t get to be on my list because he's scored more 18 yr old girls than S.A.T's. Although that is impressive. He's a golfer. Golfers stand and swing their arms. Fat people can do it. Slow people can do it. Weak people can do it. Short people can do it. And pretty much any person in the world can do it if they dedicate themselves to the sport. If I really wanted to, I could be a good golfer. Sure, I would have to quit my jobs, get lessons, and play every day for 173 years, but I could beat you in 57. Lately Korea is dominating women’s golf. Why? Because they have golfing academies that their parents put these kids in when they are 5 and they golf all day! No school, no recess, just golf. And they are good. Really good. See, anyone can do it, so it shouldnt be considered athletic.  They ARE also good at other non-athletic things that take practice too like ping pong, judo, badminton, fixing computers, phones, getting in fender-benders and building everything from hidden nuclear bombs to exporting everything ever made at the dollar-store.  

But you can’t say the same about football can you? Here’s the difference between a skilled sport like golf, and an athletic one, like football. No matter how hard you try, practice, and lift weights, YOU will never be able to get drunk and smoke weed every day, murder people or dogs, juggle 7 babies-mommas, delete a 10 figure bank account on rims and chains, AND STILL wake-up, walk out of jail, and run a 4.4 sideline to sideline through 3 would-be blockers, and rip somebody’s head off. Sorry. Athletes can do that. YOU reading this article on your ipad while taking a dump, can not. Go golf.

9, 8, and 7: Any sport where something other than yourself doing the “speed” portion, is NOT athletic. Auto racing, horse racing, equestrian, sailing, etc...Let me ruffle a few southern redneck feathers. Auto racing is NOT an athletic sport. The car is the only thing that is doing anything "athletic". Not only do you barely need any legs to drive, you barely move your arms. Yes, sitting down for 4 hrs in a car going 180 miles per hour, cars side by side, and peeing your pants takes concentration. (Yes, I just answered a question that most of you might have had. Q: What do racecar drivers do when they have to go to the bathroom? A: They pee on themselves. Listen, if peeing your pants is cool, consider me Ricky Bobby. Also at no point do you get to be called an athlete, if you piss your pants. Unless you shit yourself clearing a world record high-jump; you’re not an athlete) I get it. But so does chess, monopoly, Rock Paper Scissors, and a good old fashion game of WAR. Congratulations on concentrating for so long. I bet you graduated college faster than I did. Actually I take that back, you didn’t go to college. Nothing about auto racing makes it athletic so quit calling race car drivers athletes. Just because something takes skill and patience doesn’t make it athletic. I bet most of you reading this woke up and drove to work today. Remarkable! You just did what race car drivers do, only slower. But I bet most of you didn’t wake up and reverse dunk on someone named LaDarius. See the difference? Driver Kyle Busch said it best when he was asked about racecar drivers being "athletes", he said “I mean, our job entails us sitting on our ass and not doing a whole lot besides moving our arms and legs. But we sweat an awful lot and work awfully hard." Thanks Kyle. Guess who else sweats a lot and works awfully hard? Porn Stars!!! Ever seen a stripper climb a pole with her own body strength, hold herself horizontal 10 feet in the air with her barbed wire tattoo, and spray glitter and one dollar bills out of her vagina to the tunes of Motley Crue? Now that’s an athlete!

This sexy dog is more athletic than Jimmy Johnson

The only thing slightly less athletic than race car driving is horse racing. Once again, the HORSE is the athlete, not the jockey. Jockies have two main objectives to be successful. 1. Be anorexic. 2. Have good grip strength, and be able to beat your thoroughbred like Chris Brown. See, anyone can do it.


6, 5, 4: If 90% of the population can do your sport better intoxicated you are NOT an athlete. Sorry, bowlers, dart throwers, curlers, and pool players. You also are NOT athletes. I would like to come up with a witty joke about bowling but my mind is too busy being in the "gutter." Every time I hear an announcer call a bowler an "athlete" I think, "if that guy is an athlete, than all of us are". Last year I watched my friends Mikel and Eli bowl a 277 and 258 respectively, after 2 blunts and 6 shots of Fireball. But this dude with a bowl-cut, muffin tops, and cheap khakis is rolling a 242 on national TV and is being called an "athlete"? Pa-lease!

3.2. My two favorite sports where people get to be called "athletes" are competitive eaters, and bodybuilders. Watch the Coneys hot-dog eating challenge and listen to the announcers call Joey Chestnut and Kobeashi "athletes". You won’t feel so guilty about the papa joe combo you devoured at 2:30 am anymore. (Extra fry sauce. Obviously.) If Joey Chestnut gets to be called an athlete than so does Tom Brady. Footnote 1: After reading this article and drying your eyes from tears of laughter please Google "Tom Brady 40". You will now see the difference between what sports and positions help you to be athletic and what ones don’t. Ex: Baseball players don’t necessarily need to be athletic, but it sure doesn’t hurt. Quarterbacks don’t need to be athletic, but it definitely helps. Competitive eaters dont need to be athletic. Actually, the more fat and UN-athletic you are the better you are?  You get my drift. Besides; I had to find a way to take another cheap shot at Tom. What a dick.

Bodybuilders are not athletes. In fact, I’m not sure what is more damaging to your body, being a competitive eater, or being a bodybuilder? Does it take an extreme amount of dedication, both mentally and physically? More than you know. I’m not a bodybuilder and will never be one. Im too skinny-fat, I drink too many O'douls , and I’m perfectly happy with size of my nards. (Advice for un-funny people: anytime you use the word "nards" people will laugh) But, I have dieted for embarrassing pictures before in my under-panties. People who have never been that lean, have no idea how demanding and challenging it is. But let’s be honest, it’s not athletic just to have dedication. Once again, anyone with that much drive, dedication, an amazing pharmacist, and will-power can do it. Not everyone can grab a baseball, reach back, and find 90.  Not only can bodybuilders NOT run, (why I have the nerve to post this) the good ones can’t even dress themselves.  Once again, not athletic.   

1. Soccer. Eat it.