I know
most of you don’t set your alarm to sports-talk radio, listen to it while you
get ready for work, in your car on the way to work, at your desk at work, and
fall asleep to the same episode of Sportscenter four times in a row as a daily
routine,
like I get too. Most of you have lives. You know the kind where you have those "kids" running around, and nagging wives with honey-do lists longer than my honeys-I-want-to-do list. You don’t have the luxury of watching football and basketball for 8 hours on Saturdays and Sundays. So I’m here for you. I’m here for the working crowd. The crowd that knows just enough to say something they heard somebody else say, and hope it doesn’t sound embarrassing. Like the Seahawk fans in the bar who are only there to socialize and ask questions like "do we get a home playoff game" and "where did this Wilson guy come from" all while updating their facebook every 14 seconds with "KAWWKAWW" or "BEAST MODE". Listen girls, you don’t have to try to impress me with your "legion of BOOM" posts, to be honest it makes you look worse. If you really want to impress me just take a picture of you making me sandwich in your bikini. Done. Watching people try to participate in “sports” conversations while ripping the tags off their new jerseys would be like if I saw a bunch of “real adults” having a “real conversation” about “real subjects” and bust in with a protein shake a belt out “ Sooo about that fiscal cliff, wasn’t much of a cliff after all! Was it guys?!".......crickets.....
With only four teams left in the playoffs I must hate on everyone. Call it sour grapes, call it jealousy, but really it’s just a way to root for one team by way of default. Here is who not to root for and why:
#1. Don’t root for New England. True Story: 8 years ago I had just made double payments on all of my bills for January and February, spent way too much money on Christmas presents, and found myself looking in my change bucket to scrounge up some some drinking money in-between paychecks. Back in the day Coors Light made a bottle shaped like a small baseball bat, and my Dad showed me that if you fill it up with dimes (the only coin that will fit in the bat) you have about $105. I had saved about every coin in the last three years and had over $200 in change so I wanted to count out my money and make a deposit. So I sit down, empty out all my change, and start getting my hands dirty, feeling a little degraded, and counting my change as a Tom Brady interview comes on. The Patriots had just won Super Bowl XwhocaresX, and Tom was asked a question about his "happiness" and "what's next". He says (and I’m paraphrasing) "well you know, with all of the accolades, the MVP’s, the super-model girlfriends, and the millions of dollars, I still think to myself, there has to be more. There has to be more to it than ALL of this right? …..FUCK YOU TOM BRADY! IM COUNTING NICKELS! And that is why I will never cheer for Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. Oh ya, and I hate Bill Belichecks cut-off sweatshirt.
#2. I also will not be cheering for San Francisco. No real reason. Other than I’m still jealous about their run in the 80's with 4 super bowls. Jealous again. And also for every new person Ive met from the time I’ve been 6 until now, when I introduce myself they think its the funniest thing ever to say "any relation to a Jerry Rice?"....NO dip-shit. Obviously not related. Nobody in my family sounds gay when they talk!
#3. Don’t root for the Rapens, I mean Ravens… So back to my earlier rant about mediocre sports fans fitting in, let’s have a little chat about "your boy" Ray Lewis. I’ve noticed a trend in the last couple years that it has become really cool to like Ray Lewis. How come when Tebow thanks God every 8 seconds we roll our eyes, but when Ray does it its "inspiring." Maybe it’s his raspy voice, pre-game preaching, and terrible dances? Maybe it’s we can be in awe over a 38 year old having one of his best seasons ever? (Insert HGH conspiracy theory here). So, let me shed light on a few things for the "working crowd" that is quick to cheer on Ray Ray, because it’s the cool thing to do. In 2000 Ray and his two friends were involved in a fight and murdered two other people. Stabbed them to death. Lewis and his two acquaintances were charged with murder; however the charge against Lewis was reduced to a less-serious one on a plea deal. The white suit Lewis was wearing that night has never been found? Lewis admitted to giving misleading statements to Police on the morning of the killings. His punishment you ask? One year probation. Pays to be famous huh? Sure we know O.J. did it too, but we hate him! Why do we love Ray so much? He said he's retiring so he can spend more time with his children. Oh ya, the 6 children by 4 different women? Yes, I can see how that could be time consuming. But I will admit, we've all made mistakes and people can change. I myself have made immature decisions. On several occasions when I was young and reckless, I have returned VHS tapes back to Blockbuster without rewinding them. And until recently, found myself barely stopping a full 3 seconds at four-way stops! Regardless though Ray Ray has put together one of the best bodies of work for a defensive player in NFL history. 13 pro bowls BUT he’s linked to a murder. 2 defensive POY awards BUT he has been charged twice for physical aggression towards two of his four babies mommas. A super bowl MVP BUT there was a courtroom tussle over child support. He thanks God every interview BUT we all roll our eyes…See where I’m going here? You just saw more “butts” in this paragraph than the last place finisher at a fun-buns run. Great career? Yes. But just remember when someone this weekend sees "his boy" Ray hit someone hard and yell "my boy Ray is out there killin' fools" you can think it’s as ironic and funny as me.
like I get too. Most of you have lives. You know the kind where you have those "kids" running around, and nagging wives with honey-do lists longer than my honeys-I-want-to-do list. You don’t have the luxury of watching football and basketball for 8 hours on Saturdays and Sundays. So I’m here for you. I’m here for the working crowd. The crowd that knows just enough to say something they heard somebody else say, and hope it doesn’t sound embarrassing. Like the Seahawk fans in the bar who are only there to socialize and ask questions like "do we get a home playoff game" and "where did this Wilson guy come from" all while updating their facebook every 14 seconds with "KAWWKAWW" or "BEAST MODE". Listen girls, you don’t have to try to impress me with your "legion of BOOM" posts, to be honest it makes you look worse. If you really want to impress me just take a picture of you making me sandwich in your bikini. Done. Watching people try to participate in “sports” conversations while ripping the tags off their new jerseys would be like if I saw a bunch of “real adults” having a “real conversation” about “real subjects” and bust in with a protein shake a belt out “ Sooo about that fiscal cliff, wasn’t much of a cliff after all! Was it guys?!".......crickets.....
With only four teams left in the playoffs I must hate on everyone. Call it sour grapes, call it jealousy, but really it’s just a way to root for one team by way of default. Here is who not to root for and why:
#1. Don’t root for New England. True Story: 8 years ago I had just made double payments on all of my bills for January and February, spent way too much money on Christmas presents, and found myself looking in my change bucket to scrounge up some some drinking money in-between paychecks. Back in the day Coors Light made a bottle shaped like a small baseball bat, and my Dad showed me that if you fill it up with dimes (the only coin that will fit in the bat) you have about $105. I had saved about every coin in the last three years and had over $200 in change so I wanted to count out my money and make a deposit. So I sit down, empty out all my change, and start getting my hands dirty, feeling a little degraded, and counting my change as a Tom Brady interview comes on. The Patriots had just won Super Bowl XwhocaresX, and Tom was asked a question about his "happiness" and "what's next". He says (and I’m paraphrasing) "well you know, with all of the accolades, the MVP’s, the super-model girlfriends, and the millions of dollars, I still think to myself, there has to be more. There has to be more to it than ALL of this right? …..FUCK YOU TOM BRADY! IM COUNTING NICKELS! And that is why I will never cheer for Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. Oh ya, and I hate Bill Belichecks cut-off sweatshirt.
#2. I also will not be cheering for San Francisco. No real reason. Other than I’m still jealous about their run in the 80's with 4 super bowls. Jealous again. And also for every new person Ive met from the time I’ve been 6 until now, when I introduce myself they think its the funniest thing ever to say "any relation to a Jerry Rice?"....NO dip-shit. Obviously not related. Nobody in my family sounds gay when they talk!
#3. Don’t root for the Rapens, I mean Ravens… So back to my earlier rant about mediocre sports fans fitting in, let’s have a little chat about "your boy" Ray Lewis. I’ve noticed a trend in the last couple years that it has become really cool to like Ray Lewis. How come when Tebow thanks God every 8 seconds we roll our eyes, but when Ray does it its "inspiring." Maybe it’s his raspy voice, pre-game preaching, and terrible dances? Maybe it’s we can be in awe over a 38 year old having one of his best seasons ever? (Insert HGH conspiracy theory here). So, let me shed light on a few things for the "working crowd" that is quick to cheer on Ray Ray, because it’s the cool thing to do. In 2000 Ray and his two friends were involved in a fight and murdered two other people. Stabbed them to death. Lewis and his two acquaintances were charged with murder; however the charge against Lewis was reduced to a less-serious one on a plea deal. The white suit Lewis was wearing that night has never been found? Lewis admitted to giving misleading statements to Police on the morning of the killings. His punishment you ask? One year probation. Pays to be famous huh? Sure we know O.J. did it too, but we hate him! Why do we love Ray so much? He said he's retiring so he can spend more time with his children. Oh ya, the 6 children by 4 different women? Yes, I can see how that could be time consuming. But I will admit, we've all made mistakes and people can change. I myself have made immature decisions. On several occasions when I was young and reckless, I have returned VHS tapes back to Blockbuster without rewinding them. And until recently, found myself barely stopping a full 3 seconds at four-way stops! Regardless though Ray Ray has put together one of the best bodies of work for a defensive player in NFL history. 13 pro bowls BUT he’s linked to a murder. 2 defensive POY awards BUT he has been charged twice for physical aggression towards two of his four babies mommas. A super bowl MVP BUT there was a courtroom tussle over child support. He thanks God every interview BUT we all roll our eyes…See where I’m going here? You just saw more “butts” in this paragraph than the last place finisher at a fun-buns run. Great career? Yes. But just remember when someone this weekend sees "his boy" Ray hit someone hard and yell "my boy Ray is out there killin' fools" you can think it’s as ironic and funny as me.
#4. Yes I'll be rooting for the Atlanta
Falcons!!!??? I guess this is the only team left that I can’t find one thing
that doesn’t bother me? Im a sucker for underdogs and teams that have never won
it. Also you have to cheer for Tony Gonzalez. Another true story: A while back
I was trying to get into a nightclub in Vegas. A single dude who’s friends
already snuck in, and no hookups at the time, no table reservations, and no
girls on his arm with boobs hanging out, is not getting in for a while. I
waited patiently for a bit before I finally got discouraged and started to
leave. As I was making my way out towards the back of the line I looked over
and noticed Tony Gonzalez and Warren Moon (still confused by why they party
together?) with 4 hot Asians draped on them. Me, knowing exactly who they were
and quick on my feet, jumped in the back of their entourage and pretended to be
with them. As the bouncer noticed I was OBVIOUSLY NOT a part of their group he
lowered the velvet VIP rope in front of me. Call it pathetic or courageous,
(actually it’s called being “buzzed”) I yell "Hey Tony, what’s up"
and motioned at the bouncer like "how dare you!" The bouncer confused
as a beauty contestant during the question and answer portion of the pageant,
said "is HE with you?". Tony gave a brief smile and said "ya,
he's cool". And up the escalators to VIP I go. Now, I know what you’re
thinking, in a time of prima donna receivers and high-priced Asian hookers, why
on earth would he let me go in with him, as I’ve never met him in my life?
Because he's just that cool. Oh wait, this is the best part....So as we're
going up the escalator I look at Tony and say something like "DUDE. Thank
you man" or something of that embarrassing cheesey nature. Tony says
"no problem, I know how hard it is to get into this place" (I think to
myself no he doesn't). But I’m not done yet, if he's going to be that cool,
maybe I should really milk his courtesy. I then say "man, when I played
ball at Washington State I used to watch you play basketball when you guys
would come up" (Tony also played basketball at Cal and this was my weak
attempt to try and name drop/ fit in/ make conversation) Tony using his best
stiff-arm on the Asians trying to give him hand jobs, ignores them, and is
trying to act like he wants to engage in a drunken conversation with ME???
After he asks a few questions about WSU, and I remember he mentioned the
weather, I then say, "you know I got a friend back home that literally is
your biggest fan, would you mind saying hi?" Tony laughs and says “no”, so
I dial up Casey Brown. It’s probably 12:00 by this time and a groggy Casey on
the other end answers. I say "Casey, somebody wants to say hi to you"
and hand Tony my phone. Tony says "hey what’s up man?" (how cool is
that?) Casey not amused, no idea what is going on, ever so eloquently says
"who the fuck is this?" Tony naturally replies "it’s Tony
Gonzalez?!" Casey with the most regrettable statement of his life says
"shut the fuck up. Put Shane back on". Tony hands me the phone, says "he doesn’t
believe me" and I hang up on Casey only to spend the next hour of my life
drinking free booze, hanging out with hot Asian hookers, and creeping out
Warren Moon by reciting to him his passing numbers for the three seasons he
spent with the Vikings from 94-96.
And THAT is why Ill be cheering for the Falcons, and 37 year old Tony Gonzalez to win his first and probably only super bowl!
And THAT is why Ill be cheering for the Falcons, and 37 year old Tony Gonzalez to win his first and probably only super bowl!
Until next time friends,
CHEERS!
