Olympic Review



The "boy band" of Europe...but still pretty hot. 



Why were there no Mexicans representing any Olympic events?  Because everyone that can run, jump, or swim, already made it to the U.S.   I already miss parts of the Olympics and it hasn't even been a week.  It finished with such a bang too, with the closing ceremonies.  Anytime you get reminded that the “Spice Girls” are actually alive, it counts.  I thought I would compile some of my thoughts and tweets from the last week in a “in-case-you-missed-it” re-cap of this years Olympics. 

"what the F is that piece of crap logo" said by everyone in every country

Funny how we sit on our poly-saturated fat butts for two weeks on our couches, and ridicule the best athletes in the world in the Olympic games, ironically sponsored by McDonald's, but that’s exactly what I did.  It starts with the opening ceremonies.  What in the Ralph-Lauren-played-dress-up-with-his-athletic-action-figures did we wear?  Berets.  Ah haa, I get it, making fun of the French on European soil?  I wonder if they got it?  Probably not. 

"I don't always search the internet for bad uniforms, but when I do, 'eye-brows" 



As usual I hate watching the Olympics when NBC feels the need to give us history lessons.  I watch the history, discovery, and travel channels to get fun-fact information every year.  I get the Olympics every four years….PUT ON SOME SPORTS PLEASE!  Fun fact you forgot to mention NBC:  Did you know the British invented the “toothbrush”?  Pretty cool huh, especially because if another country invented it, it would’ve been named the “teethbrush”.  Thank you.

Within the first week we had teams from China, South Korea, and Indonesia disqualified for “not using their best effort to win qualifying matches because they wanted a favorable draw” in badminton.  The United States did not get caught however, because they were too busy winning at sports that actually matter.  Because in some delusional people’s eyes, Tim Tebow does nothing wrong, and the fact he is a quarterback that CAN NOT pass, inspired my tweet “Tim Tebow, can’t throw a badminton match”. 

Better "Big Ben", London or Pittsburgh?

Halfway through the first week in gymnastics and watching China take a small, brief, lead in medals I say to myself “I wonder if the Chinese just have two or three really good super-athletes that they use for all the events with different names, or do they really have 1.3 billion twins in their country?"   This inspired me to do some research on my own and without Mary Carillo force feeding me useless information I look up stuff that actually matters.  My google search history reveals  “hottest chick pole vaulters” and “legal age to have sex in London”.  Hey, that’s not creepy, I just want to make sure Shawn Kemp doesn’t sneak into the Olympic village and single-handedly double the population of Cameroon.  They've got enough bastard children.  Also lets be honest, you have to make sure the flexible camel toe, you've been ogling over on the uneven bars ,is at least 17, or it makes your thoughts more unsettling than a Jerry Sandusky signature day-care.  God, I hope I never have daughters.  Or sons. 

And seriously China, you have 1.3 billion people (compared to 313 million in the US) and shove your children at a young age into sports camps that resemble a Todd Marinavich training facility.  You can only muster 88 medals to our 104!  At least the US waits until college before we let our athletes slide on academics, as long as they can run fast or jump high.  On a really sad note the country of India with a population of 1.2 billion earned 4 medals.  4.   4.  1.3 billion people.  F-O-U-R.  They looked so much faster when they were stealing stuff in “slumdog millionaire” too?  In comparison Michael Phelps has 22 medals and 18 golds sitting next to his bong.  Take that 7-11!

One thing that really irks me every fourth-year though is the worthless events they call “sports” and the people that do them called “athletes.”  Ok, I get it, archers used to hunt for food to survive so they made it a measurable challenge called archery.  Also they used to have athletes wrestle naked, and if they lost they would be killed off or lose popularity.  This isn't an Olympic sport now though, thanks to Kim Kardashian.    Here are some sports that not even Morgan Freeman narrating could make exciting.  And trust me, Morgan Freeman could announce your daily dump and make people intrigued. 

Rhythmic gymnastics.  Sweet twirling, ribbon-lady from Azerbaijan, now sew my Nike's please. 

Sailing. I have no interest in calling this a sport when the how-to rules for your sport include:  1. Purchase a million dollar state-of-the-art sailboat.  2. Find wind.   3.  Hang on.  (this "sport" takes slightly more athletic ability than a game of "battleship") 


Equestrian.  Same thing as above with a slight difference.   1. Purchase million dollar horse.  2.  Hang on.  Now that takes talent.  I saw a 4 year old at Riverfront Park on the carousel that could've won Bronze. 

Synchronized Swimming:  First off, don’t kid yourself, you're not "swimming" anywhere.  Secondly, why?  Every time I see this I think to myself “What in THE hell are you doing”?  Thank god they got rid of “solo, synchronized swimming”.  You could actually medal in this a few Olympics ago, and if you have any kind of intelligence you’re probably thinking what I’m thinking.  “What in THE fuck are you synchronized too if you are solo”?  I made up a name, I call this "oxymoronic".   (oxymoron + stupidity= oxy-moron-ic)  Unless you’re 65 years or older, this “sport” is unwatchable.   Some blue-hairs call it "water ballet."  Good job.  Lets take the most boring thing ever, and do it in the water, side by side.  Up next in the 2016 Olympics: Synchronized Underwater Accounting!!!

Fresh off their swimsuit cover shoot, the Saudi Arabian team takes on Islam in a beach volleyball match.  Sex appeal runs rampant in the stands after a forehead, and a wrist are seen on the jumbo-tron in slow motion.   

Synchronized Mens Diving:  Because regular diving isn’t quite gay enough…

Trampoline:  The first time you watch this you think “holy crap they get really high”,  then you are reminded this is taking the place of womens softball, and are furious you have to watch celebrity softball games to drool over Jenny Finch. 

From Sydney in the 2000 Olympics, this video is one of the funniest I have ever seen.  Stereotypes rule.

Pentathlon:  Consisting of events where competitors engage in fencing, swimming, riding horses, and shooting, it encapsulates absolutely nothing in real life or any event in history.   There was never a soldier that needed to fight his way out of danger with a sword, swim across a lake to safety, grab the nearest horse while jumping over branches and trees, and while making a last dash on foot, has to occasionally stop and fire his pistol at targets.  WTF?  This sounds more like the plot to the “Princess Bride” than an Olympic sport.  Besides the actual fighting with the sword part it seems to have a lot of running away and escaping.  I bet the French invented it. 

Team handball-  Seriously?  If this sport that we loved, but stop playing in gym class, is an Olympic sport so too should : scooter races (I still have scars on my knees) , crab soccer (actually no, never mind, if it ends in soccer it sucks), the parachute game (I still remember the first time our gym teacher pulled out a freaking parachute out of the closet, where did that come from?), kickball (still an all-time favorite), dodgeball (No brainer. Imagine a team compiled of all the Dominican shortstops with quick feet, amazing hands, and rifle arms) Red Rover (the tiny Japanese team chanting “ROVER RED ROVER, SEND RAY LEWIS ON OVER.  BOOM!  Hiroshima!) 

Table tennis-  Alright continent of Asia, listen up.  Its called Ping pong, not table tennis.  And we don’t care if you dominate; we’ll kick your ass at something that really matters….like beer pong. 



This will be your favorite picture too when you find out why.  Hint: count the players, and see who was in-charge of taking the pictures. Double Hint: No love for Love, like when Peyton and Eli make Cooper take family photos.   

               
 Skeet Shooting- Every time I see these overweight “athletes” I think “thank god for “Kentucky or we would never medal."  Then I think “I wonder if they get their own music before they shoot like baseball players before they go up to bat?  Because if so, everyone of them should play Ying Yang Twins, 'skeet so much they call me Billy Ocean.'  That is all.  That is all I think about skeet shooting…try and not laugh the next time someone on TV says skeet shooting.  It should be a porn competition, not an Olympic event. OK I'm done now…

Some of the things you probably didn’t see but I highly recommend are the BMX races.  Finally a sport that almost every person on earth has done, ride a bike.  Not everyone can swim unless you’re white, and not everyone can run or jump unless you’re black, but almost everyone has rode a bike. 
That was refreshing because some of these events confused me more than when the gender-check-ladies made South Africa's, Caster Semeny, drop her drawers.  "What do you mean she doesn't have a wiener?"  Another thing that confused me was when I was trying  to research the Mexican Olympic Basketball team.  Unfortunately, they didn’t have enough competitors to forge a full team to scrimmage each other, so they had to play Juan on Juan.  Also, did you see how you can appeal judges scoring in gymnastics this year?  I'm watching the Japanese team carry a wad of money up to the judges and the announcers say "if you're a little confused, or if you think this looks fishy, its the new way to protest.  If you win the protest, you get you're money back."  I'm actually dead serious now people, look it up.  Oddly enough the Greek team was not confused.  Back to joking.    

Somewhere Eddie Murphy is getting turned on. 

Olympic sportsmanship at its very finest!

               
 Even though we owe trillions of dollars to other countries, are fatter than anybody, and score worse than anyone in our student aptitude tests:  We kick ass at sports, Olympics, and world wars, where we happen to be back to back world champs, and that’s all that really matters!  USA! USA! USA!  (no wonder everyone hates us)