I MUST FIGHT ALEX RODRIGUEZ

I thought about quitting this blog after the last one.  The pressure of trying to be witty and funny, factual and persuasive, obscene and offensive, is a lot to take on when you already have 3 jobs and you’re not getting paid to write.  And honestly, how much is there to write about that most of my friends don’t already know?  I’ve already used all my “killer” “dad-jokes” on the Ray Lewis blog, so there goes any potential Aaron Hernandez humor.  Stop me if you’ve heard me tell these after a few “sodas”….

-In prison everyone loves a tight end!....

-”Is this just some big hoax?” Manti Ta’o……

-The Patriots actually released him because they have their own surveillance footage of what happened (side note: New England hasn’t won since “spy-gate”)….

-”I wish Aaron would stop being such a distraction to our football team!” Tim Tebow….

-Orenthal James Simpson, Aaronthol Hernandez, not the same.  Orenthals friends escort him away from the murder in a white bronco, and Aaronthol’s friends turn on him faster than Ryan Braun’s steroid-hands on an inside fastball…

-If Hernandez gets picked up by the Packers they can start their new “discount double-murder check” touchdown dance and insurance promo…

-Red, white, and blue #81 jerseys are sooo last month.  Orange, #8146543 is the new fad in gang attire….

Maybe I could go off about Riley Cooper?  Cooper is being torn apart, and rightfully so, for saying "I will jump that fence and fight every nigger here, bro" while wearing a cut-off plaid shirt, at a Kenny Chesney concert.  (Here is a stereotype also: cut-off plaid cowyboy shirt, and using the word “bro” in a sentence at a country concert?  Sounds about right.) What an idiot.  Who in this day and age thinks its o.k. to make this comment?   What a racist, stereotypical, and ignorant thing to say.  Riley, we all know that you're white, and there is NOOO way you would be able to jump that high to get over that fence you butthole....

Ok, fine, I’ll blog now that “I’m on a roll” like a fat girl at Tomato Street,  but if I continue to do this blog for you, my friends, and your viewing pleasure, you have to help me do one thing.  I MUST FIGHT ALEX RODRIGUEZ!!!!    No seriously.  I MUST FIGHT ALEX RODRIGUEZ.   I’ll do if for charity.  I’ll do it for free.  Shit, I’ll pay money to a charity, just to FIGHT ALEX RODRIGUEZ!  My hope is that one of you somewhere, knows somebody, who knows somebody, who can make this happen.  I want to FIGHT ALEX RODRIGUEZ on pay-per-view, MMA style, and I want every last penny (who in their right mind wouldn’t pay money to watch a “nobody” from Spokane FIGHT ALEX RODRIGEZ) to go to the coaches vs cancer fund.  People, I'm serious!  If we can make this happen we can raise a jillion dollars to cancer research!

Alex Rodriguez is a joke.  He’s a lying, hypocritical, insincere, two-faced, over-paid,  phony, that is the opposite of clutch every post season.  I want the next hurricane in October to be named "hurricane Alex", that way we know it won’t hit anything.  Chris Brown has more “hits” in the fall than A-Fraud…Listen up, its rant-time bitches….

 

Alex Rodriguez broke one of my teammate’s bats in college hitting b.p.  He told us that when we went down to Peoria AZ, for spring training to hit him up for one of his bats after the Mariners took b.p.  So here we are, 19 years old, heading down to play Arizona, and Arizona St, and most importantly get big league treatment from big league players, who we can only aspire to be like.  It’s the day of the game.  We get there early with the anticipation of prom night with the “head” cheerleader.  A-Fraud takes his b.p. and is effortlessly spraying lasers to all parts of the field with every oooh, and ahhh of the crowd.  As his bat cracks the leather on the ball, we all marvel at his power and quick hands.  He starts to strut off the field, as only A-Fruad can, and everyone on our team starts yelling at him.  We are all perched over the dug-out, trying to get his attention.  “Alex, Alex, what’s up man?!  It’s us, you told us to grab you in spring training” my teammate yells, hoping Alex will just throw him his bat he just hit with.  (Remember:  At this time, we, including A-Fraud, are all about the same age.  The only difference is we are trying to pass Geology, eating Top Roman and drinking Busch lights, and spending time trying to get the girls on the volleyball team to page us later about the kegger.  Meanwhile A-hole is on the cover of Sports Illustrated; the number one overall pick in the draft, projected the best new talent in baseball, and just signed a multi-million dollar contract.)  As he descents into the dugout he hears my friend, looks up and sees all of us.  He puts his head down and disappears underneath us, “big-league’ing” us like no other.  Not a bat.  Not a ball.  Not a “hello.”  Not even a smile….It was at this point I knew my calling in life:  I need to FIGHT ALEX RODRIGUEZ.

Remember that Sports Illustrated article I told you he was on the cover of?  In the article he talks about how he doesn’t drink, he doesn’t womanize or want a girlfriend so he can concentrate on being the best, and he doesn’t go out at night.  Instead he stays at home, and likes to relax by reading his bible.   But meanwhile in “real life”,  he’s 20 yrs old in north Spokane doing a hitting camp, breaking my teammates bat, and trying to get into “Swackhammers” a.k.a. “Swaxx”.  Soo you don’t go out huh?  But you're trying to get into a Spokane night club?  Here’s the best part: the bouncers at Swackhammers won’t let him in because he’s under-age.  (Should’ve gotten a fake I.D. like the rest of us that were inside, binging on well-tequilla you piece of shit!  Let it also be known that Shane Rice got into a bar that A-Hole was turned away from.  My town homie.  Not yours.)  After getting turned away, he starts to make a scene and yell belligerently drunk at the doormen, “You know who I am? You know who I am.  I’m Alex Rodriguez, I don’t wait in line, and I get what I want”….(What he really said is unsure after the generations of Spokane’s infamous night-scene story tellers has taken and twisted the words like Paul Bunyan folklore.  But every time I hear someone tell that story, it’s about the exact same version as mine.)  Funny that a dude that doesn’t go out, drink, or womanize, shows up to a nightclub in Spokane WA, and is drunk, acting out, and has jersey-chasers wrapped on his arms like a 21 yr old who sees a GU basketball player getting drunk at the Monterey for the first time. 

About 6 years ago, my friend Erick Hughes, who then was an assistant coach with the Toronto Raptors, now with the Brooklyn Nets, invited me to his 40th birthday party in Vegas.  (I have more Vegas stories than the Stratosphere)  This wasn't like any other birthday party.  You see, Erick and Gary Payton grew up together in Oakland and have remained best friends since then.  This party was going to be at Gary Payton's house...yep, you know the one that was on MTV cribs...and I was invited.  So, I go to Vegas, go to this party, kick it with Gary-freaking-Payton, and then we hit the strip.  First stop, Bellagio.  So here I am walking through the Bellagio with Erick, two other friends, and the "glove".  Have I ever felt cooler?  Well, realistically I really was cooler-than-a-polar-bears-toenails...Gary had tickets to a fight that was going on that night, so he was going to ditch us, but first we made a quick stop at the "high-stakes gaming" to watch someone play blackjack?  Who?  You guessed it.  A-Roid.  A-Roid called Gary and told him that he was skipping the team plane to L.A. and making a pit stop in Vegas.  So as I watched A-fraud from 10 feet away, all by himself, play 5-25K per hand, and talk to Gary as he was carelessly playing, it made me hate him more.  He had no friends with him.  He couldn't have talked one of teammates to hang out with him?  I hated his girly accent and his soft-spoken, care-free attitude.  Every time you hear him talk it sounds like he's trying to say something profound.  Like he's thinking about what he wants to say to make it sound amazing.  Listen to his press conferences.  He sounds like he's trying to create a sound-byte every time he speaks.  What a polluted pile of Chicago-Bear-shit.  Oh ya, he was also losing more on one hand of blackjack than I make in a month and didn't care one bit.  He literally was trying to look cool by playing blackjack?  We get it A-Hole, you have more money than us.  Yes, we really love your popped collar on your yellow polo.  No, we don't have tickets like you do, to the Oscar De La Hoya fight.  But I’ll tell you who I do want tickets to fight?   I HAVE TO FIGHT ALEX RODRIGUEZ. 

 

Do you remember when A-Fraud left his wife and kids to date Madonna?  I do.  Do you remember when A-Fraud had an affair with the stripper from Toronto?  I do.  How about before he was divorced an exotic dancer told the New York Daily news that Alex prefers the "she-male, muscular type"?  I remember that also.   

Do you remember in game 6 of the 2004 playoffs when he slapped the ball out of Bronson Arroyo's glove with an attempted tag at first base?  Busch League.  Not "Busch" enough for ya?  How about with 2 outs in the ninth against Toronto in 2007, when Jorge Posada hit a pop-up, and as A-Roid ran past third baseman Howie Clark on third, video replays clearly show him yelling "I got it" and "mine"?  The ball dropped, and Jays shortstop John McDonald had to be restrained from attacking him.  He's mine McDonald!  Stay away! 

How about in Joe Torre's book he writes "A-rod monopolized all the attention, and was unable to concern himself with getting the job done.  He instead becomes distracted with how he looks."  That's coming from your coach, dude...

He was featured in "Details" magazine in 2009.  In the magazine there are pictures of him kissing a mirror, and lying shirtless on a bare mattress. (and you thought my pictures were embarrassing)  Equally embarrassing, the “Cameron Diaz feeding him popcorn at the Super Bowl video”, makes me want to barf.  And makes me hate Cameron Diaz.  And popcorn in general...

A whole new way to masterbate. Im suprised he got close enough to the mirror to kiss it, with the boner he probably gave himself.

While he was benched in the 2012 ALCS opener, A-Fraud cared so much, and was so into his team winning, he sent a ball-boy up in the stands with a note to give to an attractive fan in the stands asking for her number.  Now that's keeping your "head" in the game!   

211 game, ban by baseball, the longest in baseball history.  You know you're only supposed to get 50 games for your first offense for using P.E.D's right?  Then why did A-Hole get 211?  For cheating.  For lying over and over.   For helping taint the most sacred "numbers sport" ever.  For being a douche.  For being a black-eye on baseball.  For being ingenuine.  For making everyone in the world want to fight him.  But not as much as me.    

*this makes my fists tighten..

BUT, do you want to know something that will really make your skin crawl?  Something that is more douche-chilling than MMA fans screaming in Affliction T-shirts?  Worse than dudes that order "strong islands" or yell "jager-bombs"?  Worse than people posting "blasting shoulders today" at Oz Fitness? Worse than self-pics in the mirror with no shirt on?  Worse than anything ever said by Dane Cook.  Worse than the guitar playing guy at campfires?  Worse than Galaxy Man???.....Here goes, brace yourself:

In 2009, Kate Hudson told "US Weekly" that Alex Rodriguez "is so vain, he had not one, but two painted portraits of himself as a centaur, and one was above his bed"...........................(deep breath).........................(wipe down goosebumps)...............ok, everyone good?...........Soooo, he has not one but TWO PAINTINGS, and one is above his BED, of HIMSELF, as a HALF-HORSE, HALF-HUMAN?...................Ok, everyone together say it with me, 1,2,3, ready, "FML"............ 

I hate A-fraud, and I hate cancer.  Lets beat them both. 

Once again people, I HAVE TO FIGHT ALEX RODRIGUEZ!!!!!!!!

Let us compare stats: 

A-Fruad                                  vs.           Sugar Shane                                     Advantage:

height:                       6'3                       6' (with shoes on)                              A-Fraud

weight:                      230                      192.73 (Im giving up 40lbs)             A-Fraud

career homeruns:      620                      0                                                        A-Fraud

romance covers:          0                      17                                                       A-Fraud

PED of choice:        All steroids         Vodka Soda, muscle-milk, red bull    A-Fraud

Friends:                       0                             247568                                         Sugar Shane

Winner:  Sugar Shane

C'mon friends!  Let’s raise some money for charity!  Let's watch me beat the hair-gel out of A-fraud (or vice-versa).  Let’s make this happen!  Who knows somebody????   Maybe I should ring the “glove”?  I NEED TO FIGHT ALEX RODRIGUEZ!!!!!!!!!!! 

Tim Duncan Is Everything JR Smith Isn't

 

 

I'm getting old. Do you know how I know? I hate Tim Duncan, and so do you. Tim Duncan is not cool. Tim Duncan possesses exactly the same amount of "swag" as mother Theresa. We hate Timmy because Timmy hates attention. He's not on every commercial he can get his big hands on, like Peyton Manning’s five-head. He doesn’t have a shoe deal. He doesn’t have visible tattoos. He has 2 more career dunks, without having to jump, than Britney Griner. He uses the glass. How un-cool is that. We hate him because he plays for a boring team with boring colors. Think about it, “Black”, “White”, and right in the middle “Grey?”  He doesn’t like interviews, talk-shows, pre or even post game conferences. He doesn’t sag is skinny jeans, wear ridiculous outfits to the game for attention, and actually took the stickers off the last baseball hat he was given, AND bent the bill. Dork. He doesn’t have a record deal, or even a criminal record for that matter? What a loser. He stays out of the limelight, and likes it that way. But something occurred to me the other day; while I was too busy watching all of the dunks on Sportscenter by guys that can’t shoot free throws. And listening to the announcers call J.R. Smiths 7-24 shooting performance a "spark" in the offense, Timmy is one of the greatest big forwards to ever play, and we shouldn’t take him for granted.

 

Duncan himself commented on his "boring" image, stating: "If you show excitement, then you also may show disappointment or frustration. If your opponent picks up on this frustration, you are at a disadvantage.” Sports journalist Kevin Kernan commented on his ability to relax and stay focused, stating that having a degree in psychology; Duncan often not only outplays, but often out-psyches his opponents. Duncan has also stated that he especially likes his bank shot saying: "It is just easy for me. It just feels good." Lets take a peek at some numbers real quick: Only 5 forwards have EVER had more career rebounds than Tim. Only 4 forwards have EVER scored more points. And no forward has EVER had more career blocks. When you consider these numbers along with 2 MVP’s, 14 time all-star, 4 championship rings, and is the ONLY player to be named to both all-NBA and all-Defensive teams during each of first 13 seasons, you almost have to give him the greatest big forward ever don’t you?

 

Hard to hate him now, huh? 

 

Sometimes in order to appreciate athletes that are actually good citizens, and not put on a pedestal because they are simply athletes, we need to look at the shit that has become professional sports. My goal is to make you have a new found appreciation for Timmy. Trust me, I didn’t want to. The thought of producing a blog about Tim Duncan alone is almost blogger suicide. Thoughts that people will have as much interest reading this, as they will an instruction booklet for a self colonoscopy, is mildly upsetting.  But I want everyone to sit-back and appreciate the NBA playoffs this year, especially professor Duncan.  If you don’t appreciate him for what he “does”, do it for what he “doesn’t”.  Check this rant….

 

 

Want a stat that will absolutely blow your mind? Since 2000 there have been 657 players arrested in the NFL. Yes, you heard that right. (This number only includes players that were arrested while ON a roster.  So Titus Youngs 3 arrests last week would NOT be included in this number)  And that is just the number I can find. Think about how many have been unreported, mis-reported, or simply hidden from the records because “money talks”. But we dont care that seemingly 90% of every player in the league is a thug.  We don’t care that every Sunday we cheer on horrible citizens because they are bigger, faster, and stronger than anyone else. I dont give a crap who you killed, just get me some fantasy points!  I don’t care that the Vikings threw a boat-cruise party that allegedly involved sexual assault, drugs, alcohol, prostitution, and everything else I would consider I good time. Im actually bummed I wasnt invited.  The affidavit reports that Viking players were receiving oral sex performed on them while the crew of the boat watched. Creeps. Who watches and tattles, and doesn't wait in line? Regardless, I still wear my  purple jerseys with pride. There are so many athletes getting arrested we are immune to it, and you just figure everyone has been in trouble so why not just support them? This makes no sense especially when the one persons jersey we should buy, Timmy, we shun. I’ll buy an Allen Iverson jersey to help support his bankruptcy, legal restitutions, and because it’s cool, I just don’t want to turn my TV to TNT and see Timmy doing cross-over, up-and-unders against the Bobcats.  Seriously Tim, take your Philanthropic efforts elsewhere you dork.   

 

We would rather watch JR Smith and Carmelo fist fight each other on who can get the worst shots up, or who has the most repulsive tattoos, than watch Timmy add ring number 5 to his collection. Is there a worse PERSON in the NBA than the entire Knicks team? I used to HATE the Denver Nuggets of 4 yrs ago. Why? Because of Melo, Smith, Kenyon Martin, and the “birdman”. Thinking about how BAD they are for basketball, being teammates in general, their ridiculous tattoos, the off-court issues, dirty play, constantly running of their mouths without any merit of championships makes me hate them. (This is where this "sports guy" gets "disgruntled") Check out the rap sheet on JR Smith.  My most HATED person in the NBA.  Ever:

 

This jackass is whats wrong with professional sports. 

 

On February 2, 2007, Smith and teamate Carmelo Anthony were involved in a car accident. Neither player was injured in the collision. The only detail released by the team was that the car J. R. was driving belonged to Anthony.  (I wonder why?)

 

On June 9, 2007, Smith and two passengers were injured in a car accident when the SUV he was driving collided with another car. Smith and a passenger, Andre Bell, were ejected from the vehicle at around 5:30 p.m. Smith's vehicle appeared to have gone through a stop sign and collided with the other car. Smith was taken to Jersey Shore University Hospital. Bell suffered serious head wounds before being pronounced dead on the night of June 11. Neither Smith nor the second passenger suffered life-threatening injuries. Smith and Bell were not wearing seatbelts at the time. In October 2008, a grand jury in New Jersey declined to indict Smith on a vehicular manslaughter charge stemming from the accident.

 

On June 30, 2009, Smith pled guilty to the June 2007 accident. Smith was initially sentenced to 90 days in a Monmouth County (N.J.) jail, but 60 of those days were suspended, on the condition that he completes 500 hours of community service. On July 31, 2009, the Denver Post reported that Smith was released from jail after serving only 24 days of his sentence.

 

On August 28, 2009, Smith was suspended 7 games for the 2009–2010 NBA season because of his guilty plea in the 2007 reckless driving incident. The NBA also cited his poor driving record as grounds for the suspension. Smith's driving record included five suspensions in eight months, but was "in good standing" at the time of the crash in New Jersey. He was required to pay restoration fees and fines. Smith totaled 27 points against his record from April 2005 to January 2006, including eight violations on seven different days. Five citations were for speeding. Since the accident, he has received two more speeding tickets and three license suspensions in New Jersey^.

 

On August 5, 2009 Smith closed his Twitter account (jr_smith1) because he was accused of writing in a way that reflected the Bloods gang, specifically replacing his c's with k's.

JR Smiths girlfriend is such a keeper.   

 

In March 2012 Smith was fined $25,000 by the NBA for posting a picture of model Tahiry Jose on his Twitter account.

This is what a professional basketball player (JR) thinks is "ok"
to post to his twitter account.  And he made 3 million dollars this year. 

 

In May 2012, Smith was arrested in Miami for failing to appear in court in 2011 (for operating a motor-scooter with no valid license).

 

 

Oh I’m not done yet with Mr. Smith. After researching this cat ,I also found out some awesome things that everyone should know, because well, it’s pretty damn comical what a clown this guy is. So much of a clown, remember those awful tattoos I told you about? Smith has a giant (and by giant, I mean his entire back) tattoo of clown. Oh wait there's more.  You'll never guess what the phrase above the clown says??? YEP, you guessed it: JUST KLOWNIN'...How deep, intellectual, and spiritual. The next time someone mentions J.R. Smith in a sentence, right before you tell them "you know he killed his best friend in a car wreck?" you should say "you know he has a giant clown tattooed on his back that says "just klownin" right?!...With a K?!"  I know if I just murdered my best friend in a car wreck the FIRST tattoo I would get would be a giant back piece with “JUST KLOWNIN”.  Some of his other rad tats are flames on his arms that say "through the fire", the words "swish" on his neck, and the phrase "in love with my money" on his chest. What a butthole.  Actually, what an ass Klown.   

 

 

Last year the Knicks asked him to remove his Twitter account because he has no common sense. He once responded back to a female who tweeted to him "Im going to your game tonight" his response "you tryin to get that pipe"?  Although that is completely funny, it frustrates me that this guy makes tens of millions a year, but isn’t enough of a grown up to successfully manage a twitter account.

 

He was fined $25,000 for posting a picture of his porn-star girlfriends ass laying on his bed, in his hotel room while she was watching TV. The caption read "its kind of hard to concentrate on the game with a view like this". Thanks boo...

 

J.R.'s father who also played basketball is quoted as saying in an interview "Defense was the last thing I taught him. You can make it to the league without defense." Every basketball coach in the world just puked in their mouth. Another awesome quote from his dad "you know what I told J.R? I told him, 'Every time you get in, shoot it! He's going to take you out anyway. So you might as well shoot it" I guess that explains how JR has developed such great shot selection. I tried to play a drinking game once. It was: everytime JR pulls a 25 footer with more than 18 seconds left on the shot clock everyone drinks. We all blacked out by half-time.

 

Two years ago during the NBA lockout some of the ballers left to play overseas to make extra cash. Smith was one of those playing for the Zhejiiang Bulls in China. In his contract though he needed it to say he would show up for practice when he wanted. Some of the Chinese players interviewed said he almost never showed up for practice. Just games. The coach said JR missed over 80 practices in 4 months! This makes me think about the stereo-type that China has with the work ethic of Americans, and how they outwork us, out-practice us, out-study us, etc... Then JR Smith shows up and does this. Great example of the USA huh?  He also was forced to sign a contract this year with the Knicks that said he would have a curfew of 2am on game-nights. Yes, he was forced to be in his room on nights before a game, by 2 am. What a teammate! Another great story I read about JR in China, was when his sister came to visit him, and watch some games. In the 3 games she watched, she started 2 brawls in the stands. She was quoted as saying "I didnt even start the last one!" (This is all true stuff people. There really are human being like this, that make MILLIONS of dollars)

Picture taken before game 5 of the Boston series.  What a teamate! 

Rihanna tweets JR on BLAST!

 

Now, how about Carmelo? The most overrated player in the league.  Led the league in scoring. Cool. Guess what else he did? He averaged 6.9 rebounds a game!!! He's 6'9"! He averaged 1 more rebound a game than PG, Russell Westbrook and 1 more than Kobe. We know rebounding and defense is mostly effort.  Melo averaged less rebounds per game than Paul George, and the same as Evan Turner, both guards. 37th in the league in rebounding! How does he EVER get in ANY MVP discussions? Nice effort Melo. 37th??!! This year Kobe should win an NBA record first-team defense for his 10th year! Kevin Garnett, The "glove" Gary Payton, and a guy named Jordan, have all won first team all-defense 9 times. Previously mentioned Tim Duncan, (before I started ranting on the Knicks) has 8 respectively. Guess how many times Melo has won either 1st, 2nd or 3rd team? Yep. The same number of rings he has. No coincidence. Coaches and fans listen up: If you want your kids to idolize, or look-up to basketball players, think about who gives the most effort, and who is not a criminal. Think about who rebounds and who plays defense. Melo is the worst at effort-related stats!!  Want another stat that will knock your New York Knickerbocker Socks off? Melo has the worst playoff winning percentage for ANY player in NBA history. I can think of some stats I would NOT want to be associated with. Wilts 20,000 is not one of those.  Thats impressive.  This one is. Watching the Knicks should make you hate basketball, not like it. Watching a game film of JR Smith and Carmelo should be punishment for coaches that get too many technical’s during the season. But what it should really do is give you an appreciation for San Antonio and Timmy.  San Antonio is the antithesis of Carmelo and the Knicks.  The Spurs do everything "ugly" and win.  The Knicks do everything flashy and lose.   

Wilt claimed to have slept with 20000 different women in his playing days. Lets crunch some numbers:  If Wilt started at the age of 15, and went to 55, he would have had 40 years to crush 20K.  Thats 500 per year or 1.4 per day.  Is this the most amazing sport stat ever?  I barely have enough time in my day to shower?? 

 

 

As I write this blog is it ironic that Timmy just crushed my injury-ridden Lakers and beat up the youngsters from Golden State, averaging 17.5 ppg, 7.5 rpg, shooting over 50% from the floor, and JR Smith has already been suspended a game for losing his temper and throwing an elbow at Jason Terry and is averaging 33% from the field, in this year’s playoffs ( starting to write this after the Knicks dressed up for the game in all black outfits to symbolize the "death" of the Celtics in game 5. Celtics win, and force a game 6! As a Laker fan, Im not supposed to root for the Celtics, however, when a team like the Knicks dresses in all black and gets beat, I love it!) Carmelo after the first 5 games of the playoffs was averaging 30 ppg. Great, he’s also shooting 39% from the field, averaging 1 assist and .2 offensive rebounds per game! Yes, there is a decimal in-front of the 2. Smith is averaging 16ppg but is shooting 38% from the field and ave 1.5 assists per game....as a guard...When asked where he'll be watching the game while he got suspended, Smith replied "I get a day off man, I’m going golfing". It’s more embarrassing that if you ask a thousand 14 year-olds who is their favorite player is, more will say JR Smith and Carmelo over Duncan? See what I mean? We're getting old.

So this year instead of changing the channel everytime the boring Spurs are on, try and watch. Watch tattoo-less, no criminal record, no chest beating, psychology degree holding, boring hookshot, and hardworking Timothy Theodore Duncan, be more productive on both ends of the floor than anyone. Reflect that you’re witnessing a "dinosaur" about to go into extinction. In 30 years the NBA will be filled with "JR Smiths" taking horrible shots just to make sportscenter and get attention. We'll be telling our kids and grandkids what it was like back in the old days. Back when basketball players used to have jumpshots, gave effort, were not a detriment to society, and had a sweet mid-range game. Ahhh those were the days....(cue Springsteins "glory days” Im going shopping for a Duncan jersey and short shorts) 

 

Strippers Are Athletes

Today I feel like being positive and writing my sports blog on things that make me happy. But then I wouldn’t really be disgruntled would I? So I thought I can still be "disgruntled" AND make fun of people, AND that in-turn makes me "happy." Right? That’s what you do when you want to feel good about yourself, is make fun of someone else? Hmmm...Somewhere my parents are rolling their eyes thinking "where did we go wrong?" No, but really think about it, all year long I wait and I wait for the NFL draft, because every year when the Los Angeles/Oakland/ California Raiders pick, I cry from laughter. See, that makes me happy AND it’s making fun of the Raiders. I like where this is headed…

Mr. Russell recently said he is making a comeback (this is true) and has his weight down to 308 from 330. 
I guess the Raiders have found their new left tackle. 

A couple things have happened in the sports world lately, that you KNOW I couldn’t resist writing about. This is serious stuff that I’m motivated to go off about. I’m sitting down with my laptop, getting on my game-face with one eye-black strip, and I’m really going to try and piss some people right off! I've got some built up aggression because I keep seeing Britney Griner on top-scoring females list and I get really confused? So I’m going to take it out on some people, and I’m ready to start a battle! If I was at Notre Dame now I would be leaving the locker room, heading down the stairs, ready to take the field, and slapping the big blue and gold sign that says "play like your make-believe, dead girlfriend died today", and hit the field running faster than an Oscar Pistorius starters-gun-shot-wound. Here we go:

It takes some big balls to take this picture. 

Yes, I want to make fun of Manti Te'o. I want to think that his draft status will be much higher in "fantasy" football than the regular draft. I want him to change his facebook relationship status to "its complicated." (Joke stolen from Shane Rice's FB) I want his ex-girlfriend to be on "mythbusters". I want him to apologize for his shitty national championship game when he looked like a make-believe linebacker, and I lost money betting on my team to cover. I want him to just come out of the closet once and for all. Seriously, not only will anyone not care that you are gay (its 2013) think of the endless endorsement opportunities you could have?! Manti, you will make MORE money as a gay athlete. Be the first. Let me manage you! Even if you're not gay, fake it!  You’re good at that.  We all think you are gay anyway, and we're talking straight cash homie! Even if everyone finds out you're not gay later, nobody will really care, they've already fell in love with you, and we've already cashed in! Listen Manti, it’s like this: I once asked this girl named Nicole what her bra size was. She boasted “34 C”. Later, I find out it’s really 34 B. Call it "bait and switch" but I really don't care by this point anymore. I appreciated her “effort” and I was sold. See?

AJ McCarron, Im slowly begining to hate you. 

Manti listen up, I’ll get you endorsements in “Bed Bath and Beyond”, on-line dating services, blow-up dolls. The options are endless. "Manti Te'o signature-series capris now half-off at Macy's". "Te'o face lotion, with team-color loofahs!". "Fruit Roll-ups"!!! Uhhm hello Lululemon athletic gear for men!!! Think about an advertisement with Te'o putting cashew NUTS all over his face. Now THATS the new "Planters" pitch-n-catch man! Brilliant! I’m rich! Now, if i only knew how to start a relationship with him on-line and take advantage of him, I could really capitalize. Naw, he'd probably catch on. He's not really naive like those people that share, and write in comments on FB posts of other advertisements, because they think they might win something. Now THOSE people are naive.  (Stop it people. You're not getting a "black" Apple computer. Nobody is going to pick "you" to test the new PS4. And you are sure as hell not flying on Southwest by typing or sharing "Hawaii". It’s a way for companies to get ever-expansion-advertising praying on old people, retards, and blonds.) Wait a min, (light bulb) if I post one picture of Manti Te'o on my facebook advertising KY-jelly, and in that ad say "if you share, like, or comment in this picture, you could win a pretend boyfriend" think of the algorithm of endless campaigning every girl and gay dude I know could do for me?!!! $$$ I’ve always wanted to make money off lube!....uh....awkward....

I should stop being so insensitive.  Lets not forget
that a make believe, on-line girlfriend, that never
existed, IS DEAD!!!

Let’s see who else I need to put on blast, (pun intended) Oscar Pitstoriius. Seriously dude, you have/had a hot model girlfriend and front row parking places where ever you go. Is shooting her because she gave you socks for Valentines worth it? (If you just asked yourself, “is that really why he shot her”, than you are probably the same person commenting on the facebook advertising).  I mean I didn’t exactly get crazy on Valentines presents this year either but Oscars gift really blew her away. I really don’t think we should speculate him going to jail though. His lawyers have a good leg to stand on with their defense that no footprints were found on premise. But if for some reason he does go to jail, no need to fret about never seeing him in a race again. I’m sure in a prison, in South Africa, there are a lot of races he can be "in"......ok I’m done now...



You know what else is really bugging me lately? People that call non-athletic people, or people in non-athletic sports, athletes. I absolutely HATE it when people refer to non-athletes as athletes. I know I'll probably upset a few with this rant when I mention "your sport" as being non-athletic, but guess what? A. You’re probably fat. B. I don’t care.

Here is a list of my NOT athletic sports misconstrued as athletic ones:

10. Golf. Yes golf. Golf is skilled sport, not an athletic one. Skilled sports are learned and developed; athletic ones are god-given ability. Big difference. I’m not calling Tiger Woods an athlete because his sport doesnt even enable him to run. I’m pretty sure you have to actually run to be an athlete?  Can any of the top golfers in the world be good at any other sport besides golf? No. Tiger doesn’t get to make my list of top athletes just because he's black, and he doesn’t get to be on my list because he's scored more 18 yr old girls than S.A.T's. Although that is impressive. He's a golfer. Golfers stand and swing their arms. Fat people can do it. Slow people can do it. Weak people can do it. Short people can do it. And pretty much any person in the world can do it if they dedicate themselves to the sport. If I really wanted to, I could be a good golfer. Sure, I would have to quit my jobs, get lessons, and play every day for 173 years, but I could beat you in 57. Lately Korea is dominating women’s golf. Why? Because they have golfing academies that their parents put these kids in when they are 5 and they golf all day! No school, no recess, just golf. And they are good. Really good. See, anyone can do it, so it shouldnt be considered athletic.  They ARE also good at other non-athletic things that take practice too like ping pong, judo, badminton, fixing computers, phones, getting in fender-benders and building everything from hidden nuclear bombs to exporting everything ever made at the dollar-store.  

But you can’t say the same about football can you? Here’s the difference between a skilled sport like golf, and an athletic one, like football. No matter how hard you try, practice, and lift weights, YOU will never be able to get drunk and smoke weed every day, murder people or dogs, juggle 7 babies-mommas, delete a 10 figure bank account on rims and chains, AND STILL wake-up, walk out of jail, and run a 4.4 sideline to sideline through 3 would-be blockers, and rip somebody’s head off. Sorry. Athletes can do that. YOU reading this article on your ipad while taking a dump, can not. Go golf.

9, 8, and 7: Any sport where something other than yourself doing the “speed” portion, is NOT athletic. Auto racing, horse racing, equestrian, sailing, etc...Let me ruffle a few southern redneck feathers. Auto racing is NOT an athletic sport. The car is the only thing that is doing anything "athletic". Not only do you barely need any legs to drive, you barely move your arms. Yes, sitting down for 4 hrs in a car going 180 miles per hour, cars side by side, and peeing your pants takes concentration. (Yes, I just answered a question that most of you might have had. Q: What do racecar drivers do when they have to go to the bathroom? A: They pee on themselves. Listen, if peeing your pants is cool, consider me Ricky Bobby. Also at no point do you get to be called an athlete, if you piss your pants. Unless you shit yourself clearing a world record high-jump; you’re not an athlete) I get it. But so does chess, monopoly, Rock Paper Scissors, and a good old fashion game of WAR. Congratulations on concentrating for so long. I bet you graduated college faster than I did. Actually I take that back, you didn’t go to college. Nothing about auto racing makes it athletic so quit calling race car drivers athletes. Just because something takes skill and patience doesn’t make it athletic. I bet most of you reading this woke up and drove to work today. Remarkable! You just did what race car drivers do, only slower. But I bet most of you didn’t wake up and reverse dunk on someone named LaDarius. See the difference? Driver Kyle Busch said it best when he was asked about racecar drivers being "athletes", he said “I mean, our job entails us sitting on our ass and not doing a whole lot besides moving our arms and legs. But we sweat an awful lot and work awfully hard." Thanks Kyle. Guess who else sweats a lot and works awfully hard? Porn Stars!!! Ever seen a stripper climb a pole with her own body strength, hold herself horizontal 10 feet in the air with her barbed wire tattoo, and spray glitter and one dollar bills out of her vagina to the tunes of Motley Crue? Now that’s an athlete!

This sexy dog is more athletic than Jimmy Johnson

The only thing slightly less athletic than race car driving is horse racing. Once again, the HORSE is the athlete, not the jockey. Jockies have two main objectives to be successful. 1. Be anorexic. 2. Have good grip strength, and be able to beat your thoroughbred like Chris Brown. See, anyone can do it.


6, 5, 4: If 90% of the population can do your sport better intoxicated you are NOT an athlete. Sorry, bowlers, dart throwers, curlers, and pool players. You also are NOT athletes. I would like to come up with a witty joke about bowling but my mind is too busy being in the "gutter." Every time I hear an announcer call a bowler an "athlete" I think, "if that guy is an athlete, than all of us are". Last year I watched my friends Mikel and Eli bowl a 277 and 258 respectively, after 2 blunts and 6 shots of Fireball. But this dude with a bowl-cut, muffin tops, and cheap khakis is rolling a 242 on national TV and is being called an "athlete"? Pa-lease!

3.2. My two favorite sports where people get to be called "athletes" are competitive eaters, and bodybuilders. Watch the Coneys hot-dog eating challenge and listen to the announcers call Joey Chestnut and Kobeashi "athletes". You won’t feel so guilty about the papa joe combo you devoured at 2:30 am anymore. (Extra fry sauce. Obviously.) If Joey Chestnut gets to be called an athlete than so does Tom Brady. Footnote 1: After reading this article and drying your eyes from tears of laughter please Google "Tom Brady 40". You will now see the difference between what sports and positions help you to be athletic and what ones don’t. Ex: Baseball players don’t necessarily need to be athletic, but it sure doesn’t hurt. Quarterbacks don’t need to be athletic, but it definitely helps. Competitive eaters dont need to be athletic. Actually, the more fat and UN-athletic you are the better you are?  You get my drift. Besides; I had to find a way to take another cheap shot at Tom. What a dick.

Bodybuilders are not athletes. In fact, I’m not sure what is more damaging to your body, being a competitive eater, or being a bodybuilder? Does it take an extreme amount of dedication, both mentally and physically? More than you know. I’m not a bodybuilder and will never be one. Im too skinny-fat, I drink too many O'douls , and I’m perfectly happy with size of my nards. (Advice for un-funny people: anytime you use the word "nards" people will laugh) But, I have dieted for embarrassing pictures before in my under-panties. People who have never been that lean, have no idea how demanding and challenging it is. But let’s be honest, it’s not athletic just to have dedication. Once again, anyone with that much drive, dedication, an amazing pharmacist, and will-power can do it. Not everyone can grab a baseball, reach back, and find 90.  Not only can bodybuilders NOT run, (why I have the nerve to post this) the good ones can’t even dress themselves.  Once again, not athletic.   

1. Soccer. Eat it.