Tim Duncan Is Everything JR Smith Isn't

 

 

I'm getting old. Do you know how I know? I hate Tim Duncan, and so do you. Tim Duncan is not cool. Tim Duncan possesses exactly the same amount of "swag" as mother Theresa. We hate Timmy because Timmy hates attention. He's not on every commercial he can get his big hands on, like Peyton Manning’s five-head. He doesn’t have a shoe deal. He doesn’t have visible tattoos. He has 2 more career dunks, without having to jump, than Britney Griner. He uses the glass. How un-cool is that. We hate him because he plays for a boring team with boring colors. Think about it, “Black”, “White”, and right in the middle “Grey?”  He doesn’t like interviews, talk-shows, pre or even post game conferences. He doesn’t sag is skinny jeans, wear ridiculous outfits to the game for attention, and actually took the stickers off the last baseball hat he was given, AND bent the bill. Dork. He doesn’t have a record deal, or even a criminal record for that matter? What a loser. He stays out of the limelight, and likes it that way. But something occurred to me the other day; while I was too busy watching all of the dunks on Sportscenter by guys that can’t shoot free throws. And listening to the announcers call J.R. Smiths 7-24 shooting performance a "spark" in the offense, Timmy is one of the greatest big forwards to ever play, and we shouldn’t take him for granted.

 

Duncan himself commented on his "boring" image, stating: "If you show excitement, then you also may show disappointment or frustration. If your opponent picks up on this frustration, you are at a disadvantage.” Sports journalist Kevin Kernan commented on his ability to relax and stay focused, stating that having a degree in psychology; Duncan often not only outplays, but often out-psyches his opponents. Duncan has also stated that he especially likes his bank shot saying: "It is just easy for me. It just feels good." Lets take a peek at some numbers real quick: Only 5 forwards have EVER had more career rebounds than Tim. Only 4 forwards have EVER scored more points. And no forward has EVER had more career blocks. When you consider these numbers along with 2 MVP’s, 14 time all-star, 4 championship rings, and is the ONLY player to be named to both all-NBA and all-Defensive teams during each of first 13 seasons, you almost have to give him the greatest big forward ever don’t you?

 

Hard to hate him now, huh? 

 

Sometimes in order to appreciate athletes that are actually good citizens, and not put on a pedestal because they are simply athletes, we need to look at the shit that has become professional sports. My goal is to make you have a new found appreciation for Timmy. Trust me, I didn’t want to. The thought of producing a blog about Tim Duncan alone is almost blogger suicide. Thoughts that people will have as much interest reading this, as they will an instruction booklet for a self colonoscopy, is mildly upsetting.  But I want everyone to sit-back and appreciate the NBA playoffs this year, especially professor Duncan.  If you don’t appreciate him for what he “does”, do it for what he “doesn’t”.  Check this rant….

 

 

Want a stat that will absolutely blow your mind? Since 2000 there have been 657 players arrested in the NFL. Yes, you heard that right. (This number only includes players that were arrested while ON a roster.  So Titus Youngs 3 arrests last week would NOT be included in this number)  And that is just the number I can find. Think about how many have been unreported, mis-reported, or simply hidden from the records because “money talks”. But we dont care that seemingly 90% of every player in the league is a thug.  We don’t care that every Sunday we cheer on horrible citizens because they are bigger, faster, and stronger than anyone else. I dont give a crap who you killed, just get me some fantasy points!  I don’t care that the Vikings threw a boat-cruise party that allegedly involved sexual assault, drugs, alcohol, prostitution, and everything else I would consider I good time. Im actually bummed I wasnt invited.  The affidavit reports that Viking players were receiving oral sex performed on them while the crew of the boat watched. Creeps. Who watches and tattles, and doesn't wait in line? Regardless, I still wear my  purple jerseys with pride. There are so many athletes getting arrested we are immune to it, and you just figure everyone has been in trouble so why not just support them? This makes no sense especially when the one persons jersey we should buy, Timmy, we shun. I’ll buy an Allen Iverson jersey to help support his bankruptcy, legal restitutions, and because it’s cool, I just don’t want to turn my TV to TNT and see Timmy doing cross-over, up-and-unders against the Bobcats.  Seriously Tim, take your Philanthropic efforts elsewhere you dork.   

 

We would rather watch JR Smith and Carmelo fist fight each other on who can get the worst shots up, or who has the most repulsive tattoos, than watch Timmy add ring number 5 to his collection. Is there a worse PERSON in the NBA than the entire Knicks team? I used to HATE the Denver Nuggets of 4 yrs ago. Why? Because of Melo, Smith, Kenyon Martin, and the “birdman”. Thinking about how BAD they are for basketball, being teammates in general, their ridiculous tattoos, the off-court issues, dirty play, constantly running of their mouths without any merit of championships makes me hate them. (This is where this "sports guy" gets "disgruntled") Check out the rap sheet on JR Smith.  My most HATED person in the NBA.  Ever:

 

This jackass is whats wrong with professional sports. 

 

On February 2, 2007, Smith and teamate Carmelo Anthony were involved in a car accident. Neither player was injured in the collision. The only detail released by the team was that the car J. R. was driving belonged to Anthony.  (I wonder why?)

 

On June 9, 2007, Smith and two passengers were injured in a car accident when the SUV he was driving collided with another car. Smith and a passenger, Andre Bell, were ejected from the vehicle at around 5:30 p.m. Smith's vehicle appeared to have gone through a stop sign and collided with the other car. Smith was taken to Jersey Shore University Hospital. Bell suffered serious head wounds before being pronounced dead on the night of June 11. Neither Smith nor the second passenger suffered life-threatening injuries. Smith and Bell were not wearing seatbelts at the time. In October 2008, a grand jury in New Jersey declined to indict Smith on a vehicular manslaughter charge stemming from the accident.

 

On June 30, 2009, Smith pled guilty to the June 2007 accident. Smith was initially sentenced to 90 days in a Monmouth County (N.J.) jail, but 60 of those days were suspended, on the condition that he completes 500 hours of community service. On July 31, 2009, the Denver Post reported that Smith was released from jail after serving only 24 days of his sentence.

 

On August 28, 2009, Smith was suspended 7 games for the 2009–2010 NBA season because of his guilty plea in the 2007 reckless driving incident. The NBA also cited his poor driving record as grounds for the suspension. Smith's driving record included five suspensions in eight months, but was "in good standing" at the time of the crash in New Jersey. He was required to pay restoration fees and fines. Smith totaled 27 points against his record from April 2005 to January 2006, including eight violations on seven different days. Five citations were for speeding. Since the accident, he has received two more speeding tickets and three license suspensions in New Jersey^.

 

On August 5, 2009 Smith closed his Twitter account (jr_smith1) because he was accused of writing in a way that reflected the Bloods gang, specifically replacing his c's with k's.

JR Smiths girlfriend is such a keeper.   

 

In March 2012 Smith was fined $25,000 by the NBA for posting a picture of model Tahiry Jose on his Twitter account.

This is what a professional basketball player (JR) thinks is "ok"
to post to his twitter account.  And he made 3 million dollars this year. 

 

In May 2012, Smith was arrested in Miami for failing to appear in court in 2011 (for operating a motor-scooter with no valid license).

 

 

Oh I’m not done yet with Mr. Smith. After researching this cat ,I also found out some awesome things that everyone should know, because well, it’s pretty damn comical what a clown this guy is. So much of a clown, remember those awful tattoos I told you about? Smith has a giant (and by giant, I mean his entire back) tattoo of clown. Oh wait there's more.  You'll never guess what the phrase above the clown says??? YEP, you guessed it: JUST KLOWNIN'...How deep, intellectual, and spiritual. The next time someone mentions J.R. Smith in a sentence, right before you tell them "you know he killed his best friend in a car wreck?" you should say "you know he has a giant clown tattooed on his back that says "just klownin" right?!...With a K?!"  I know if I just murdered my best friend in a car wreck the FIRST tattoo I would get would be a giant back piece with “JUST KLOWNIN”.  Some of his other rad tats are flames on his arms that say "through the fire", the words "swish" on his neck, and the phrase "in love with my money" on his chest. What a butthole.  Actually, what an ass Klown.   

 

 

Last year the Knicks asked him to remove his Twitter account because he has no common sense. He once responded back to a female who tweeted to him "Im going to your game tonight" his response "you tryin to get that pipe"?  Although that is completely funny, it frustrates me that this guy makes tens of millions a year, but isn’t enough of a grown up to successfully manage a twitter account.

 

He was fined $25,000 for posting a picture of his porn-star girlfriends ass laying on his bed, in his hotel room while she was watching TV. The caption read "its kind of hard to concentrate on the game with a view like this". Thanks boo...

 

J.R.'s father who also played basketball is quoted as saying in an interview "Defense was the last thing I taught him. You can make it to the league without defense." Every basketball coach in the world just puked in their mouth. Another awesome quote from his dad "you know what I told J.R? I told him, 'Every time you get in, shoot it! He's going to take you out anyway. So you might as well shoot it" I guess that explains how JR has developed such great shot selection. I tried to play a drinking game once. It was: everytime JR pulls a 25 footer with more than 18 seconds left on the shot clock everyone drinks. We all blacked out by half-time.

 

Two years ago during the NBA lockout some of the ballers left to play overseas to make extra cash. Smith was one of those playing for the Zhejiiang Bulls in China. In his contract though he needed it to say he would show up for practice when he wanted. Some of the Chinese players interviewed said he almost never showed up for practice. Just games. The coach said JR missed over 80 practices in 4 months! This makes me think about the stereo-type that China has with the work ethic of Americans, and how they outwork us, out-practice us, out-study us, etc... Then JR Smith shows up and does this. Great example of the USA huh?  He also was forced to sign a contract this year with the Knicks that said he would have a curfew of 2am on game-nights. Yes, he was forced to be in his room on nights before a game, by 2 am. What a teammate! Another great story I read about JR in China, was when his sister came to visit him, and watch some games. In the 3 games she watched, she started 2 brawls in the stands. She was quoted as saying "I didnt even start the last one!" (This is all true stuff people. There really are human being like this, that make MILLIONS of dollars)

Picture taken before game 5 of the Boston series.  What a teamate! 

Rihanna tweets JR on BLAST!

 

Now, how about Carmelo? The most overrated player in the league.  Led the league in scoring. Cool. Guess what else he did? He averaged 6.9 rebounds a game!!! He's 6'9"! He averaged 1 more rebound a game than PG, Russell Westbrook and 1 more than Kobe. We know rebounding and defense is mostly effort.  Melo averaged less rebounds per game than Paul George, and the same as Evan Turner, both guards. 37th in the league in rebounding! How does he EVER get in ANY MVP discussions? Nice effort Melo. 37th??!! This year Kobe should win an NBA record first-team defense for his 10th year! Kevin Garnett, The "glove" Gary Payton, and a guy named Jordan, have all won first team all-defense 9 times. Previously mentioned Tim Duncan, (before I started ranting on the Knicks) has 8 respectively. Guess how many times Melo has won either 1st, 2nd or 3rd team? Yep. The same number of rings he has. No coincidence. Coaches and fans listen up: If you want your kids to idolize, or look-up to basketball players, think about who gives the most effort, and who is not a criminal. Think about who rebounds and who plays defense. Melo is the worst at effort-related stats!!  Want another stat that will knock your New York Knickerbocker Socks off? Melo has the worst playoff winning percentage for ANY player in NBA history. I can think of some stats I would NOT want to be associated with. Wilts 20,000 is not one of those.  Thats impressive.  This one is. Watching the Knicks should make you hate basketball, not like it. Watching a game film of JR Smith and Carmelo should be punishment for coaches that get too many technical’s during the season. But what it should really do is give you an appreciation for San Antonio and Timmy.  San Antonio is the antithesis of Carmelo and the Knicks.  The Spurs do everything "ugly" and win.  The Knicks do everything flashy and lose.   

Wilt claimed to have slept with 20000 different women in his playing days. Lets crunch some numbers:  If Wilt started at the age of 15, and went to 55, he would have had 40 years to crush 20K.  Thats 500 per year or 1.4 per day.  Is this the most amazing sport stat ever?  I barely have enough time in my day to shower?? 

 

 

As I write this blog is it ironic that Timmy just crushed my injury-ridden Lakers and beat up the youngsters from Golden State, averaging 17.5 ppg, 7.5 rpg, shooting over 50% from the floor, and JR Smith has already been suspended a game for losing his temper and throwing an elbow at Jason Terry and is averaging 33% from the field, in this year’s playoffs ( starting to write this after the Knicks dressed up for the game in all black outfits to symbolize the "death" of the Celtics in game 5. Celtics win, and force a game 6! As a Laker fan, Im not supposed to root for the Celtics, however, when a team like the Knicks dresses in all black and gets beat, I love it!) Carmelo after the first 5 games of the playoffs was averaging 30 ppg. Great, he’s also shooting 39% from the field, averaging 1 assist and .2 offensive rebounds per game! Yes, there is a decimal in-front of the 2. Smith is averaging 16ppg but is shooting 38% from the field and ave 1.5 assists per game....as a guard...When asked where he'll be watching the game while he got suspended, Smith replied "I get a day off man, I’m going golfing". It’s more embarrassing that if you ask a thousand 14 year-olds who is their favorite player is, more will say JR Smith and Carmelo over Duncan? See what I mean? We're getting old.

So this year instead of changing the channel everytime the boring Spurs are on, try and watch. Watch tattoo-less, no criminal record, no chest beating, psychology degree holding, boring hookshot, and hardworking Timothy Theodore Duncan, be more productive on both ends of the floor than anyone. Reflect that you’re witnessing a "dinosaur" about to go into extinction. In 30 years the NBA will be filled with "JR Smiths" taking horrible shots just to make sportscenter and get attention. We'll be telling our kids and grandkids what it was like back in the old days. Back when basketball players used to have jumpshots, gave effort, were not a detriment to society, and had a sweet mid-range game. Ahhh those were the days....(cue Springsteins "glory days” Im going shopping for a Duncan jersey and short shorts) 

 

Strippers Are Athletes

Today I feel like being positive and writing my sports blog on things that make me happy. But then I wouldn’t really be disgruntled would I? So I thought I can still be "disgruntled" AND make fun of people, AND that in-turn makes me "happy." Right? That’s what you do when you want to feel good about yourself, is make fun of someone else? Hmmm...Somewhere my parents are rolling their eyes thinking "where did we go wrong?" No, but really think about it, all year long I wait and I wait for the NFL draft, because every year when the Los Angeles/Oakland/ California Raiders pick, I cry from laughter. See, that makes me happy AND it’s making fun of the Raiders. I like where this is headed…

Mr. Russell recently said he is making a comeback (this is true) and has his weight down to 308 from 330. 
I guess the Raiders have found their new left tackle. 

A couple things have happened in the sports world lately, that you KNOW I couldn’t resist writing about. This is serious stuff that I’m motivated to go off about. I’m sitting down with my laptop, getting on my game-face with one eye-black strip, and I’m really going to try and piss some people right off! I've got some built up aggression because I keep seeing Britney Griner on top-scoring females list and I get really confused? So I’m going to take it out on some people, and I’m ready to start a battle! If I was at Notre Dame now I would be leaving the locker room, heading down the stairs, ready to take the field, and slapping the big blue and gold sign that says "play like your make-believe, dead girlfriend died today", and hit the field running faster than an Oscar Pistorius starters-gun-shot-wound. Here we go:

It takes some big balls to take this picture. 

Yes, I want to make fun of Manti Te'o. I want to think that his draft status will be much higher in "fantasy" football than the regular draft. I want him to change his facebook relationship status to "its complicated." (Joke stolen from Shane Rice's FB) I want his ex-girlfriend to be on "mythbusters". I want him to apologize for his shitty national championship game when he looked like a make-believe linebacker, and I lost money betting on my team to cover. I want him to just come out of the closet once and for all. Seriously, not only will anyone not care that you are gay (its 2013) think of the endless endorsement opportunities you could have?! Manti, you will make MORE money as a gay athlete. Be the first. Let me manage you! Even if you're not gay, fake it!  You’re good at that.  We all think you are gay anyway, and we're talking straight cash homie! Even if everyone finds out you're not gay later, nobody will really care, they've already fell in love with you, and we've already cashed in! Listen Manti, it’s like this: I once asked this girl named Nicole what her bra size was. She boasted “34 C”. Later, I find out it’s really 34 B. Call it "bait and switch" but I really don't care by this point anymore. I appreciated her “effort” and I was sold. See?

AJ McCarron, Im slowly begining to hate you. 

Manti listen up, I’ll get you endorsements in “Bed Bath and Beyond”, on-line dating services, blow-up dolls. The options are endless. "Manti Te'o signature-series capris now half-off at Macy's". "Te'o face lotion, with team-color loofahs!". "Fruit Roll-ups"!!! Uhhm hello Lululemon athletic gear for men!!! Think about an advertisement with Te'o putting cashew NUTS all over his face. Now THATS the new "Planters" pitch-n-catch man! Brilliant! I’m rich! Now, if i only knew how to start a relationship with him on-line and take advantage of him, I could really capitalize. Naw, he'd probably catch on. He's not really naive like those people that share, and write in comments on FB posts of other advertisements, because they think they might win something. Now THOSE people are naive.  (Stop it people. You're not getting a "black" Apple computer. Nobody is going to pick "you" to test the new PS4. And you are sure as hell not flying on Southwest by typing or sharing "Hawaii". It’s a way for companies to get ever-expansion-advertising praying on old people, retards, and blonds.) Wait a min, (light bulb) if I post one picture of Manti Te'o on my facebook advertising KY-jelly, and in that ad say "if you share, like, or comment in this picture, you could win a pretend boyfriend" think of the algorithm of endless campaigning every girl and gay dude I know could do for me?!!! $$$ I’ve always wanted to make money off lube!....uh....awkward....

I should stop being so insensitive.  Lets not forget
that a make believe, on-line girlfriend, that never
existed, IS DEAD!!!

Let’s see who else I need to put on blast, (pun intended) Oscar Pitstoriius. Seriously dude, you have/had a hot model girlfriend and front row parking places where ever you go. Is shooting her because she gave you socks for Valentines worth it? (If you just asked yourself, “is that really why he shot her”, than you are probably the same person commenting on the facebook advertising).  I mean I didn’t exactly get crazy on Valentines presents this year either but Oscars gift really blew her away. I really don’t think we should speculate him going to jail though. His lawyers have a good leg to stand on with their defense that no footprints were found on premise. But if for some reason he does go to jail, no need to fret about never seeing him in a race again. I’m sure in a prison, in South Africa, there are a lot of races he can be "in"......ok I’m done now...



You know what else is really bugging me lately? People that call non-athletic people, or people in non-athletic sports, athletes. I absolutely HATE it when people refer to non-athletes as athletes. I know I'll probably upset a few with this rant when I mention "your sport" as being non-athletic, but guess what? A. You’re probably fat. B. I don’t care.

Here is a list of my NOT athletic sports misconstrued as athletic ones:

10. Golf. Yes golf. Golf is skilled sport, not an athletic one. Skilled sports are learned and developed; athletic ones are god-given ability. Big difference. I’m not calling Tiger Woods an athlete because his sport doesnt even enable him to run. I’m pretty sure you have to actually run to be an athlete?  Can any of the top golfers in the world be good at any other sport besides golf? No. Tiger doesn’t get to make my list of top athletes just because he's black, and he doesn’t get to be on my list because he's scored more 18 yr old girls than S.A.T's. Although that is impressive. He's a golfer. Golfers stand and swing their arms. Fat people can do it. Slow people can do it. Weak people can do it. Short people can do it. And pretty much any person in the world can do it if they dedicate themselves to the sport. If I really wanted to, I could be a good golfer. Sure, I would have to quit my jobs, get lessons, and play every day for 173 years, but I could beat you in 57. Lately Korea is dominating women’s golf. Why? Because they have golfing academies that their parents put these kids in when they are 5 and they golf all day! No school, no recess, just golf. And they are good. Really good. See, anyone can do it, so it shouldnt be considered athletic.  They ARE also good at other non-athletic things that take practice too like ping pong, judo, badminton, fixing computers, phones, getting in fender-benders and building everything from hidden nuclear bombs to exporting everything ever made at the dollar-store.  

But you can’t say the same about football can you? Here’s the difference between a skilled sport like golf, and an athletic one, like football. No matter how hard you try, practice, and lift weights, YOU will never be able to get drunk and smoke weed every day, murder people or dogs, juggle 7 babies-mommas, delete a 10 figure bank account on rims and chains, AND STILL wake-up, walk out of jail, and run a 4.4 sideline to sideline through 3 would-be blockers, and rip somebody’s head off. Sorry. Athletes can do that. YOU reading this article on your ipad while taking a dump, can not. Go golf.

9, 8, and 7: Any sport where something other than yourself doing the “speed” portion, is NOT athletic. Auto racing, horse racing, equestrian, sailing, etc...Let me ruffle a few southern redneck feathers. Auto racing is NOT an athletic sport. The car is the only thing that is doing anything "athletic". Not only do you barely need any legs to drive, you barely move your arms. Yes, sitting down for 4 hrs in a car going 180 miles per hour, cars side by side, and peeing your pants takes concentration. (Yes, I just answered a question that most of you might have had. Q: What do racecar drivers do when they have to go to the bathroom? A: They pee on themselves. Listen, if peeing your pants is cool, consider me Ricky Bobby. Also at no point do you get to be called an athlete, if you piss your pants. Unless you shit yourself clearing a world record high-jump; you’re not an athlete) I get it. But so does chess, monopoly, Rock Paper Scissors, and a good old fashion game of WAR. Congratulations on concentrating for so long. I bet you graduated college faster than I did. Actually I take that back, you didn’t go to college. Nothing about auto racing makes it athletic so quit calling race car drivers athletes. Just because something takes skill and patience doesn’t make it athletic. I bet most of you reading this woke up and drove to work today. Remarkable! You just did what race car drivers do, only slower. But I bet most of you didn’t wake up and reverse dunk on someone named LaDarius. See the difference? Driver Kyle Busch said it best when he was asked about racecar drivers being "athletes", he said “I mean, our job entails us sitting on our ass and not doing a whole lot besides moving our arms and legs. But we sweat an awful lot and work awfully hard." Thanks Kyle. Guess who else sweats a lot and works awfully hard? Porn Stars!!! Ever seen a stripper climb a pole with her own body strength, hold herself horizontal 10 feet in the air with her barbed wire tattoo, and spray glitter and one dollar bills out of her vagina to the tunes of Motley Crue? Now that’s an athlete!

This sexy dog is more athletic than Jimmy Johnson

The only thing slightly less athletic than race car driving is horse racing. Once again, the HORSE is the athlete, not the jockey. Jockies have two main objectives to be successful. 1. Be anorexic. 2. Have good grip strength, and be able to beat your thoroughbred like Chris Brown. See, anyone can do it.


6, 5, 4: If 90% of the population can do your sport better intoxicated you are NOT an athlete. Sorry, bowlers, dart throwers, curlers, and pool players. You also are NOT athletes. I would like to come up with a witty joke about bowling but my mind is too busy being in the "gutter." Every time I hear an announcer call a bowler an "athlete" I think, "if that guy is an athlete, than all of us are". Last year I watched my friends Mikel and Eli bowl a 277 and 258 respectively, after 2 blunts and 6 shots of Fireball. But this dude with a bowl-cut, muffin tops, and cheap khakis is rolling a 242 on national TV and is being called an "athlete"? Pa-lease!

3.2. My two favorite sports where people get to be called "athletes" are competitive eaters, and bodybuilders. Watch the Coneys hot-dog eating challenge and listen to the announcers call Joey Chestnut and Kobeashi "athletes". You won’t feel so guilty about the papa joe combo you devoured at 2:30 am anymore. (Extra fry sauce. Obviously.) If Joey Chestnut gets to be called an athlete than so does Tom Brady. Footnote 1: After reading this article and drying your eyes from tears of laughter please Google "Tom Brady 40". You will now see the difference between what sports and positions help you to be athletic and what ones don’t. Ex: Baseball players don’t necessarily need to be athletic, but it sure doesn’t hurt. Quarterbacks don’t need to be athletic, but it definitely helps. Competitive eaters dont need to be athletic. Actually, the more fat and UN-athletic you are the better you are?  You get my drift. Besides; I had to find a way to take another cheap shot at Tom. What a dick.

Bodybuilders are not athletes. In fact, I’m not sure what is more damaging to your body, being a competitive eater, or being a bodybuilder? Does it take an extreme amount of dedication, both mentally and physically? More than you know. I’m not a bodybuilder and will never be one. Im too skinny-fat, I drink too many O'douls , and I’m perfectly happy with size of my nards. (Advice for un-funny people: anytime you use the word "nards" people will laugh) But, I have dieted for embarrassing pictures before in my under-panties. People who have never been that lean, have no idea how demanding and challenging it is. But let’s be honest, it’s not athletic just to have dedication. Once again, anyone with that much drive, dedication, an amazing pharmacist, and will-power can do it. Not everyone can grab a baseball, reach back, and find 90.  Not only can bodybuilders NOT run, (why I have the nerve to post this) the good ones can’t even dress themselves.  Once again, not athletic.   

1. Soccer. Eat it.

I like the Falcons....this week!

I know most of you don’t set your alarm to sports-talk radio, listen to it while you get ready for work, in your car on the way to work, at your desk at work, and fall asleep to the same episode of Sportscenter four times in a row as a daily routine,
 like I get too.  Most of you have lives.  You know the kind where you have those "kids" running around, and nagging wives with honey-do lists longer than my honeys-I-want-to-do list. You don’t have the luxury of watching football and basketball for 8 hours on Saturdays and Sundays. So I’m here for you. I’m here for the working crowd. The crowd that knows just enough to say something they heard somebody else say, and hope it doesn’t sound embarrassing. Like the Seahawk fans in the bar who are only there to socialize and ask questions like "do we get a home playoff game" and "where did this Wilson guy come from" all while updating their facebook every 14 seconds with "KAWWKAWW" or "BEAST MODE". Listen girls, you don’t have to try to impress me with your "legion of BOOM" posts, to be honest it makes you look worse. If you really want to impress me just take a picture of you making me sandwich in your bikini. Done. Watching people try to participate in “sports” conversations while ripping the tags off their new jerseys would be like if I saw a bunch of “real adults” having a “real conversation” about “real subjects” and bust in with a protein shake a belt out “ Sooo about that fiscal cliff, wasn’t much of a cliff after all!  Was it guys?!".......crickets.....



With only four teams left in the playoffs I must hate on everyone. Call it sour grapes, call it jealousy, but really it’s just a way to root for one team by way of default. Here is who not to root for and why:



#1. Don’t root for New England. True Story: 8 years ago I had just made double payments on all of my bills for January and February, spent way too much money on Christmas presents, and found myself looking in my change bucket to scrounge up some some drinking money in-between paychecks. Back in the day Coors Light made a bottle shaped like a small baseball bat, and my Dad showed me that if you fill it up with dimes (the only coin that will fit in the bat) you have about $105. I had saved about every coin in the last three years and had over $200 in change so I wanted to count out my money and make a deposit. So I sit down, empty out all my change, and start getting my hands dirty, feeling a little degraded, and counting my change as a Tom Brady interview comes on. The Patriots had just won Super Bowl XwhocaresX, and Tom was asked a question about his "happiness" and "what's next". He says (and I’m paraphrasing) "well you know, with all of the accolades, the MVP’s, the super-model girlfriends, and the millions of dollars, I still think to myself, there has to be more. There has to be more to it than ALL of this right? …..FUCK YOU TOM BRADY!  IM COUNTING NICKELS!   And that is why I will never cheer for Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. Oh ya, and I hate Bill Belichecks cut-off sweatshirt.



#2. I also will not be cheering for San Francisco. No real reason. Other than I’m still jealous about their run in the 80's with 4 super bowls.  Jealous again. And also for every new person Ive met from the time I’ve been 6 until now, when I introduce myself they think its the funniest thing ever to say "any relation to a Jerry Rice?"....NO dip-shit. Obviously not related. Nobody in my family sounds gay when they talk!



#3.  Don’t root for the Rapens, I mean Ravens… So back to my earlier rant about mediocre sports fans fitting in, let’s have a little chat about "your boy" Ray Lewis. I’ve noticed a trend in the last couple years that it has become really cool to like Ray Lewis. How come when Tebow thanks God every 8 seconds we roll our eyes, but when Ray does it its "inspiring." Maybe it’s his raspy voice, pre-game preaching, and terrible dances?  Maybe it’s we can be in awe over a 38 year old having one of his best seasons ever? (Insert HGH conspiracy theory here). So, let me shed light on a few things for the "working crowd" that is quick to cheer on Ray Ray, because it’s the cool thing to do. In 2000 Ray and his two friends were involved in a fight and murdered two other people. Stabbed them to death. Lewis and his two acquaintances were charged with murder; however the charge against Lewis was reduced to a less-serious one on a plea deal. The white suit Lewis was wearing that night has never been found? Lewis admitted to giving misleading statements to Police on the morning of the killings. His punishment you ask?  One year probation. Pays to be famous huh? Sure we know O.J. did it too, but we hate him!  Why do we love Ray so much?  He said he's retiring so he can spend more time with his children. Oh ya, the 6 children by 4 different women? Yes, I can see how that could be time consuming. But I will admit, we've all made mistakes and people can change. I myself have made immature decisions. On several occasions when I was young and reckless, I have returned VHS tapes back to Blockbuster without rewinding them. And until recently, found myself barely stopping a full 3 seconds at four-way stops! Regardless though Ray Ray has put together one of the best bodies of work for a defensive player in NFL history. 13 pro bowls BUT he’s linked to a murder.  2 defensive POY awards BUT he has been charged twice for physical aggression towards two of his four babies mommas.  A super bowl MVP BUT there was a courtroom tussle over child support.  He thanks God every interview BUT we all roll our eyes…See where I’m going here?  You just saw more “butts” in this paragraph than the last place finisher at a fun-buns run.  Great career?  Yes.  But just remember when someone this weekend sees "his boy" Ray hit someone hard and yell "my boy Ray is out there killin' fools" you can think it’s as ironic and funny as me.

#4. Yes I'll be rooting for the Atlanta Falcons!!!??? I guess this is the only team left that I can’t find one thing that doesn’t bother me? Im a sucker for underdogs and teams that have never won it. Also you have to cheer for Tony Gonzalez. Another true story: A while back I was trying to get into a nightclub in Vegas. A single dude who’s friends already snuck in, and no hookups at the time, no table reservations, and no girls on his arm with boobs hanging out, is not getting in for a while. I waited patiently for a bit before I finally got discouraged and started to leave. As I was making my way out towards the back of the line I looked over and noticed Tony Gonzalez and Warren Moon (still confused by why they party together?) with 4 hot Asians draped on them. Me, knowing exactly who they were and quick on my feet, jumped in the back of their entourage and pretended to be with them. As the bouncer noticed I was OBVIOUSLY NOT a part of their group he lowered the velvet VIP rope in front of me. Call it pathetic or courageous, (actually it’s called being “buzzed”) I yell "Hey Tony, what’s up" and motioned at the bouncer like "how dare you!" The bouncer confused as a beauty contestant during the question and answer portion of the pageant, said "is HE with you?". Tony gave a brief smile and said "ya, he's cool". And up the escalators to VIP I go. Now, I know what you’re thinking, in a time of prima donna receivers and high-priced Asian hookers, why on earth would he let me go in with him, as I’ve never met him in my life? Because he's just that cool. Oh wait, this is the best part....So as we're going up the escalator I look at Tony and say something like "DUDE. Thank you man" or something of that embarrassing cheesey nature. Tony says "no problem, I know how hard it is to get into this place" (I think to myself no he doesn't). But I’m not done yet, if he's going to be that cool, maybe I should really milk his courtesy. I then say "man, when I played ball at Washington State I used to watch you play basketball when you guys would come up" (Tony also played basketball at Cal and this was my weak attempt to try and name drop/ fit in/ make conversation) Tony using his best stiff-arm on the Asians trying to give him hand jobs, ignores them, and is trying to act like he wants to engage in a drunken conversation with ME??? After he asks a few questions about WSU, and I remember he mentioned the weather, I then say, "you know I got a friend back home that literally is your biggest fan, would you mind saying hi?" Tony laughs and says “no”, so I dial up Casey Brown. It’s probably 12:00 by this time and a groggy Casey on the other end answers. I say "Casey, somebody wants to say hi to you" and hand Tony my phone. Tony says "hey what’s up man?" (how cool is that?) Casey not amused, no idea what is going on, ever so eloquently says "who the fuck is this?" Tony naturally replies "it’s Tony Gonzalez?!" Casey with the most regrettable statement of his life says "shut the fuck up. Put Shane back on".  Tony hands me the phone, says "he doesn’t believe me" and I hang up on Casey only to spend the next hour of my life drinking free booze, hanging out with hot Asian hookers, and creeping out Warren Moon by reciting to him his passing numbers for the three seasons he spent with the Vikings from 94-96.

And THAT is why Ill be cheering for the Falcons, and 37 year old Tony Gonzalez to win his first and probably only super bowl! 

Until next time friends,

CHEERS! 

Christmas Wish List

I know ALL of you have been anxiously waiting for my Christmas list to come out so you can buy me wonderful gifts.  So without further ado, here is the “Disgruntled Sports Guys”  top 15 gift ideas for 2012. Enjoy.

necklaces: making even manly sports, not-so manly



Baseball Necklace: for balance? Perfect for those field sobriety tests after X-mas parties. Sold on the Major League Baseball website, “Phiten ropes” claim to "stabilize your electric current inside the body by allowing the flow of energy". Hmm, "flow of energy"? Sounds like it might help "performance" hitting "homeruns" another way doesn’t it? If that is the case, goodbye Viagra, hello "Phiten" homosexual looking-sailboat rope-athletic-pot smoking- necklace!

Tim Tebow replicate rib. After week 10 against the Seahawks, Tebow complains to the team physician he has soreness in his rib cage. A CT scan two Wed ago revealed he had suffered two broken ribs. Personally I believe God has actually stolen Timmy's rib, and is trying to create another overrated human. We will call this human, woman.

A new truck. It’s so tough to shop for cars these days with all the AWESOME commercials that are out there (insert sarcastic emoticon).  If you really want me to buy your truck, quit making shitty commercials.  I dont need my vehicle to climb a spiral ramp shooting fire or to tow the space shuttle.  And no, Brett Favre doesnt drive an old beat up Chevy with a dog riding shotgun.  He drives a Cadillac, with a shotgun riding shotgun, and one of his "assistants" he's cheating on his wife with is chugging beer in the back seat. 

You know that awkward feeling you have the first time you hear Blake Griffin try to say "infotainment system", and then stare creepily at the camera, with all his half-black ginger self can? No? Well its the same feeling you had when you were in Caesars’ Palace and stumbled upon the all-time hits leader "Charlie hustling" for $12 dollar signatures on olds Reds posters. Still no? It’s how you feel every time when you watch Casey Calvary, high as a mo-fo, seemingly 30lbs. lighter than his playing days, sludge through the Crosspoint Autoplex commercial and say "and tell em' Casey sent ya" with as much enthusiasm as a 3-toed sloth playing chess in syrup.  He clearly is the antithesis of Jay Buhner when I hear Jay yell "and tell em' the Bone sent ya!"

Special-edition Tony Romo throwback playoff jersey. Since the 1995 season when they won their last championship, and virtually everyone we know from the ages of 24-40 who jumped on their bandwagon, has seen their beloved Cowboys win 2 playoff games. 2 playoff games in 17 years! Americas team! Tony Romo has 1 playoff win! 1! LOL! Tim Tebow for "God's" sake (see what I did there) has 1 freaking win! Let me put this in perspective: Joe Montana has 16 playoff wins and so does Tom Brady who will probably get a couple more this year.

Lets play a quick game sports fans: Better Quarterback?  Kordell Stewart and Rex Grossman OR Tony Romo

Kordell Stewart and Rex Grossman have 2 playoff wins each, BUT unfortunately have never boned Jessica Simpson, Carrie Underwood, Miss Missouri Candace Crawford, or Sophia Bush. Advantage: Romo.

Tony did not fumble this snap.



Special Steelers Jersey- Coincidence that the Steelers play in their special "Stealers" prison jerseys the same week that Big Ben and his wife have a baby (I’m thinking this one was consensual?).  Maybe? Don’t want me to go there you say? Too bad. Sometimes no means keep trying. Right Ben?!

More awkward: the prison jerseys or
Isaac Redman posing in the bathroom?

Eli Manning Cologne and Crocs. Look people, I’m not trying to get anyone pregnant in 2013 either.

Eli Manning has a better body than the worlds most perfect human,
Tom Brady.  There, I said it. 

Obama answers my wish. In a sincere, and well-thought-out letter that the the President should clearly understand, I ask President Obama to take a portion of all the hard-earned, self-made, money away from baseballs richest team, the Yankees, and give a portion of that money to say, THE TWINS, a lesser, not as rich team, that clearly needs more money to compete for next years title. After all, that is why all people with money, make money, right? To help out others? PLEASE!
Hockey Holdout continues. In case you missed it, and unless you have "toonies" in your pocket, end sentences with "eh", and have a mix-tape of Shania Twain and Celine Dion in your snowmobile, you probably did. There is no hockey this year due to a holdout, and my wish is for it to continue. Its not that I dislike hockey. Hockey is great to watch in-person, and I envy the skill to play. But I HATE that during the hockey season at least 5 undeserving plays a night make Sportscenters top 10?! And not only that, but all the hockey highlights take up at least 10 min for every 30 min show, and its during football and basketball season?! NO! I need to see the fights, and that’s it. No fights= no highlights= no Barry Melrose. Hey ESPN, nobody cares, so quit trying to be fair about your highlights in regards to sports. I would rather watch my friend Brady take a 5 min dump, or sit through a Dwight Howard free throw practice than see 10 min of slapshots and mullets.

The only highlights I want to see are
the ones in their mullets.

Stewart Scott, crazy eye glasses. These glasses are soo funny everytime I see him and it never gets old. Its so realistic how he can look at you through the TV in 14 different angles and keep a straight face the whole time. Perfect for laughs during the holiday season. Want to scare your friends? Get Stewart Scott eye-glasses! Want to be the life of the party? Go all “Stewey” on em! 


Brittney Griner penis pump....

Won "woman" athlete of the year? 



This is NOT Jerry West

Bar Rafeli wearing nothing but a Kobe jersey. OR Kobe wearing nothing but a Kobe jersey?...

One eye black strip. Firstly, do I have to buy them in a package of two and just keep one handy when my douchiness runs out, and then replace it, or can you actually buy them in singles? I thought this wasnt cool anymore after Lisa Left Eye Lopez burned down Andre Risons mansion? If the purpose of eye black is the keep the glare out, is wearing only one strip like saying you only get glare in one eye? Why? Remember when you were in college and you wore really regrettable things to look cool, and now looking back you hate yourself? I wish I never would’ve bought XXL FUBU, Sean John, Phat Farm tall-T's, pierced my ears, and played extremely distorted bass, gangster rap in my Escalade but I did. And now I think "how did I have friends?" So if anyone reading this thinks it's cool to wear one eye black strip, or pull your actual eye black down your cheeks like a 7th grade girl in fast pitch a.k.a. Bryce Harper (I'll give him a pass, he actually should be in college) now is your chance to stop it! Actually take it back Santa, I don’t want to look like an idiot this year. One eye black strip is more worthless than doing forearm curls at the gym.

Lebron James Hair-Spray Paint, and cell phone This year the new Lebron phone called the "ijames" comes out. It’s perfect for business meetings or times when you don’t want to be bothered by a bunch of "rings" like the "Kobe" or the "Air Jordan" phones. It simply just has one ring.

And just like how Lebron hides his receding hairline by pulling back his headband further and further each year, I too can cheat old age by getting that black spray paint they market as "balding remover" to get rid of my greys! Thanks Labron. Someday scientists will discover that you were actually 37 when you entered the league. How is it at 51 years old you are still so athletic?  But at the same time how also at 51, Greg Oden, has been outscored by 8,000 pts. by Olden Polynice?

Here's my theory: In a scientific experiment funded by the government in the late 60's, scientists take the DNA from Wilt Chamberlain (an easy task) and mix it with 3 time gold medalist, and “fastest woman on the planet” Wilma Rudolph's DNA, to make one giant milkshake of superhuman-athletic-sexual fluids. YUMM!  The experiment goes bad. The fertilized egg splits, creating twins. Lebron gets all of the good DNA, and all of the best nutrients, while Greg Oden gets deprived of everything except the "tall" gene. It is now safe to say, Lebron is to Arnold Schwarzenegger, as Greg Oden is to Danny Devito.



Oden, age 19.  When I was 19 I was trying to hide acne
and burp the alphabet.  Actual age: 46

Actual age 51









Peyton Manning actual size helmet/ 42 in plasma TV. Not only is it funny to me every time an analyst says "he's so cerebral", but arguably the best QB ever, is having another MVP season and his head cannot get any bigger. You try and pack around a projection TV on your shoulders and escape neck surgery?! Lets throw a tape measure around that dome and see if Barry Bonds swims in it.  He went from the "Colts" to the "Broncos" so his marketing campaign can make him look more "horsey". He's actually John Elway's teeth away from turning into a horse. When he goes to Arby's he orders extra horsey sauce...ok, I’m done horsing around now.  

I bet Peyton Manning is hung like...

Honey Badger for Washington Governor Bumper Sticker. "Its legal and we still don’t give a shit". Tyrann Mathieu declares for the NFL draft the same month Washington State makes marijuana legal. Coincidence? No chance. Get ready Seahawk hippies and hipsters (your city is polluted with both) you’re about to get a new back-up nickel-back/ punt returner and he's going to wear jersey number "420".

Hi.  My name is not Ricky Williams, but I would rather smoke
weed, than make millions of dollars.  Oh, and I have one-eye
black strip.  Hate me now. 



Zags Wine and Fans Whine.

Yes! The season has arrived! There are few times of year when I truly get a “sports boner” and this next week you might not want to stand in-front of me. There really is only one week a year when baseball, football, and basketball are all simultaneously crashing through my TV, and colliding into my eyes and ears, for one giant athletic orgy of emotions. I think this celebration calls for a drink.

Even the "Red wine" looks more athletic than
the Whites from years past.  Very nice blend. 

No, but really, in celebration of the new basketball season and in preparation of endless “Kennel” FB pics we’re all about to see, running through our timelines faster and more frequent than the self-pics-in-the-car-looking-at-the-road-with-glasses-on-pics, I’m going to combine a couple of my favorite topics for this months blog: making fun of Gonzaga basketball fans, and drinking!

The other day I was in Costco and I noticed that you can now buy “ZAGS” wine bottles…no seriously you can. So obviously I bought one, and here is my wine review: (disclaimer: I probably have drunk 5 bottles of wine in my life, so having me do a wine review is like listening to Jessica Simpson give a speech on the quantitative molecular physics of licking your elbow...Unless you count Franzia and Boones Farm in college, then I’m a connoisseur, so here goes.)
 

ZAGS wine: At first you’re skeptical about the wine this year, because you know that last year’s wine ended like the other past 12 seasons. The hype for this wine, although regarded as“Americas wine", is mostly a Northwest taste, especially significant in Eastern Washington. The colors are delightful. America’s colors.  And the packaging and labeling will get your taste buds salivating. You remember how at the end of last year everyone told you to “watch out for next years wine” "it’s going all the way". The preseason rankings of this wine, in most wine magazines, are like most as in years past. The “expert” wine drinkers rank it in the top 20 of all the wines in the Nation getting everyone excited again for wine season! At first when you smell the wine, you notice a strong, bold, odor that makes you think it really might be a top 15wine this year. But you know better. You know this wine couldn’t possibly be different from all the wines in the past could it? Could this wine really be the one?  This isn’t really as much of a “white” wine as in years past, this one’s much more athletic. 

So you taste it. You taste it with every positive, ban-waggoning, hopeful-its-not-overrated, taste bud you got. And to be honest, it’s not too bad! This wine starts out on your lips and hits the first of your taste buds with flair. These buds are in-charge of the salty/sweet portion of tasting, and boy is it. This wine will probably beat a few other good wines at the beginning of wine season that were also highly ranked, hence the “sweet” flavor you get. But, just like in years past they will also lose a couple of matchups they should’ve won leaving you with a hint of “salty”. But, thanks to the easiest wine conference in America, the ZAGS wine will coast through and beat almost every one again, bringing their ranking back up to 15-20 by the end of wine season, and ready for run at the final four wine championships.  And just like in years past, this years flavor of ZAGS wine might win its first matchup in the round of 64 top wines, and have everyone in Spokane buying wine and drinking it faster than Zag hoopsters on a Sat at Marquee. But they will undoubtedly lose to another wine in the second or third round leaving most fans with another“bitter” taste again.

After careful tasting, there will be some that consider this wine a success, and there will be some that consider this wine a disappointment. I on the other hand, will sit back and laugh at those that think that next year’s wine will be better just as they do every year.  And when I do taste next years ZAGS wine, I’ll be accompanying it with my Cougar Cheese, watching former ZAGS wine updates, as they prepare for a life overseas.  Hey, Europe has great wine!  Cheers! 

 

 

Future European standouts!!!