I thought about quitting this blog after the last one.
The pressure of trying to be witty and funny, factual and persuasive, obscene
and offensive, is a lot to take on when you already have 3 jobs and you’re not
getting paid to write. And honestly, how much is there to write about
that most of my friends don’t already know? I’ve already used all my
“killer” “dad-jokes” on the Ray Lewis blog, so there goes any potential Aaron
Hernandez humor. Stop me if you’ve heard me tell these after a few
“sodas”….
-In prison everyone loves a tight end!....
-”Is this just some big hoax?” Manti Ta’o……
-The Patriots actually released him because they have their
own surveillance footage of what happened (side note: New England hasn’t won
since “spy-gate”)….
-”I wish Aaron would stop being such a distraction to our
football team!” Tim Tebow….
-Orenthal James Simpson, Aaronthol Hernandez, not the
same. Orenthals friends escort him away from the murder in a white
bronco, and Aaronthol’s friends turn on him faster than Ryan Braun’s
steroid-hands on an inside fastball…
-If Hernandez gets picked up by the Packers they can start
their new “discount double-murder check” touchdown dance and insurance promo…
-Red, white, and blue #81 jerseys are sooo last month.
Orange, #8146543 is the new fad in gang attire….
Maybe I could go off about Riley Cooper? Cooper is
being torn apart, and rightfully so, for saying "I will jump that fence
and fight every nigger here, bro" while wearing a cut-off plaid
shirt, at a Kenny Chesney concert. (Here is a stereotype also: cut-off
plaid cowyboy shirt, and using the word “bro” in a sentence at a country
concert? Sounds about right.) What an
idiot. Who in this day and age thinks its o.k. to make this
comment? What a racist, stereotypical, and ignorant thing to
say. Riley, we all know that you're white, and there is NOOO way you
would be able to jump that high to get over that fence you butthole....
Ok, fine, I’ll blog now that “I’m on a roll” like a fat girl
at Tomato Street, but if I continue to
do this blog for you, my friends, and your viewing pleasure, you have to help
me do one thing. I MUST FIGHT ALEX RODRIGUEZ!!!! No
seriously. I MUST FIGHT ALEX RODRIGUEZ. I’ll do if for charity. I’ll do it for free. Shit, I’ll pay money to a charity, just to
FIGHT ALEX RODRIGUEZ! My hope is that one of you somewhere, knows
somebody, who knows somebody, who can make this happen. I want to FIGHT
ALEX RODRIGUEZ on pay-per-view, MMA style, and I want every last penny (who in
their right mind wouldn’t pay money to watch a “nobody” from Spokane FIGHT ALEX
RODRIGEZ) to go to the coaches vs cancer fund. People, I'm serious!
If we can make this happen we can raise a jillion dollars to cancer research!
Alex Rodriguez is a joke.
He’s a lying, hypocritical, insincere, two-faced, over-paid, phony, that is the opposite of clutch every
post season. I want the next hurricane
in October to be named "hurricane Alex", that way we know it won’t
hit anything. Chris Brown has more “hits” in the fall than A-Fraud…Listen
up, its rant-time bitches….
Alex Rodriguez broke one of my teammate’s bats in college
hitting b.p. He told us that when we went down to Peoria AZ, for spring
training to hit him up for one of his bats after the Mariners took b.p.
So here we are, 19 years old, heading down to play Arizona, and Arizona St, and
most importantly get big league treatment from big league players, who we can
only aspire to be like. It’s the day of the game. We get there
early with the anticipation of prom night with the “head” cheerleader. A-Fraud takes his b.p. and is effortlessly
spraying lasers to all parts of the field with every oooh, and ahhh of the
crowd. As his bat cracks the leather on the ball, we all marvel at his
power and quick hands. He starts to strut off the field, as only A-Fruad
can, and everyone on our team starts yelling at him. We are all perched over the dug-out, trying
to get his attention. “Alex, Alex, what’s up man?! It’s us, you
told us to grab you in spring training” my teammate yells, hoping Alex will
just throw him his bat he just hit with. (Remember: At this time,
we, including A-Fraud, are all about the same age. The only difference is
we are trying to pass Geology, eating Top Roman and drinking Busch lights, and
spending time trying to get the girls on the volleyball team to page us later
about the kegger. Meanwhile A-hole is on the cover of Sports Illustrated;
the number one overall pick in the draft, projected the best new talent in
baseball, and just signed a multi-million dollar contract.) As he descents
into the dugout he hears my friend, looks up and sees all of us. He puts
his head down and disappears underneath us, “big-league’ing” us like no other.
Not a bat. Not a ball. Not a “hello.” Not even a smile….It
was at this point I knew my calling in life:
I need to FIGHT ALEX RODRIGUEZ.
Remember that Sports Illustrated article I told you he was
on the cover of? In the article he talks about how he doesn’t drink, he
doesn’t womanize or want a girlfriend so he can concentrate on being the best,
and he doesn’t go out at night. Instead he stays at home, and likes to
relax by reading his bible. But meanwhile in “real life”, he’s 20 yrs old in north Spokane doing a
hitting camp, breaking my teammates bat, and trying to get into “Swackhammers”
a.k.a. “Swaxx”. Soo you don’t go out huh? But you're trying to get
into a Spokane night club? Here’s the best part: the bouncers at
Swackhammers won’t let him in because he’s under-age. (Should’ve gotten a
fake I.D. like the rest of us that were inside, binging on well-tequilla you
piece of shit! Let it also be known that Shane Rice got into a bar that
A-Hole was turned away from. My town homie. Not yours.) After
getting turned away, he starts to make a scene and yell belligerently drunk at
the doormen, “You know who I am? You know who I am. I’m Alex Rodriguez, I
don’t wait in line, and I get what I want”….(What he really said is unsure
after the generations of Spokane’s infamous night-scene story tellers has taken
and twisted the words like Paul Bunyan folklore. But every time I hear
someone tell that story, it’s about the exact same version as mine.)
Funny that a dude that doesn’t go out, drink, or womanize, shows up to a
nightclub in Spokane WA, and is drunk, acting out, and has jersey-chasers
wrapped on his arms like a 21 yr old who sees a GU basketball player getting
drunk at the Monterey for the first time.
About 6 years ago, my friend Erick Hughes, who then was an
assistant coach with the Toronto Raptors, now with the Brooklyn Nets, invited
me to his 40th birthday party in Vegas.
(I have more Vegas stories than the Stratosphere) This wasn't like any other birthday
party. You see, Erick and Gary Payton grew up together in Oakland and
have remained best friends since then. This party was going to be at Gary
Payton's house...yep, you know the one that was on MTV cribs...and I was
invited. So, I go to Vegas, go to this party, kick it with
Gary-freaking-Payton, and then we hit the strip. First stop,
Bellagio. So here I am walking through the Bellagio with Erick, two other
friends, and the "glove". Have I ever felt cooler? Well,
realistically I really was cooler-than-a-polar-bears-toenails...Gary had
tickets to a fight that was going on that night, so he was going to ditch us,
but first we made a quick stop at the "high-stakes gaming" to watch
someone play blackjack? Who? You guessed it. A-Roid.
A-Roid called Gary and told him that he was skipping the team plane to L.A. and
making a pit stop in Vegas. So as I watched A-fraud from 10 feet away,
all by himself, play 5-25K per hand, and talk to Gary as he was carelessly
playing, it made me hate him more. He had no friends with him. He
couldn't have talked one of teammates to hang out with him? I hated his
girly accent and his soft-spoken, care-free attitude. Every time you hear
him talk it sounds like he's trying to say something profound. Like he's
thinking about what he wants to say to make it sound amazing. Listen to
his press conferences. He sounds like he's trying to create a sound-byte every
time he speaks. What a polluted pile of Chicago-Bear-shit. Oh ya,
he was also losing more on one hand of blackjack than I make in a month and
didn't care one bit. He literally was trying to look cool by playing
blackjack? We get it A-Hole, you have more money than us. Yes, we
really love your popped collar on your yellow polo. No, we don't have
tickets like you do, to the Oscar De La Hoya fight. But I’ll tell you who
I do want tickets to fight? I HAVE TO FIGHT ALEX RODRIGUEZ.
Do you remember when A-Fraud left his wife and kids to date
Madonna? I do. Do you remember when A-Fraud had an affair with the
stripper from Toronto? I do. How about before he was divorced an
exotic dancer told the New York Daily news that Alex prefers the
"she-male, muscular type"? I remember that also.
Do you remember in game 6 of the 2004 playoffs when he
slapped the ball out of Bronson Arroyo's glove with an attempted tag at first
base? Busch League. Not "Busch" enough for ya? How
about with 2 outs in the ninth against Toronto in 2007, when Jorge Posada hit a
pop-up, and as A-Roid ran past third baseman Howie Clark on third, video
replays clearly show him yelling "I got it" and
"mine"? The ball dropped, and Jays shortstop John McDonald had
to be restrained from attacking him. He's mine McDonald! Stay away!
How about in Joe Torre's book he writes "A-rod
monopolized all the attention, and was unable to concern himself with getting
the job done. He instead becomes distracted with how he
looks." That's coming from your coach, dude...
He was featured in "Details" magazine in
2009. In the magazine there are pictures of him kissing a mirror, and
lying shirtless on a bare mattress. (and you thought my pictures were
embarrassing) Equally embarrassing, the “Cameron Diaz feeding him popcorn
at the Super Bowl video”, makes me want to barf. And makes me hate
Cameron Diaz. And popcorn in general...
|
While he was benched in the 2012 ALCS opener, A-Fraud cared
so much, and was so into his team winning, he sent a ball-boy up in the stands
with a note to give to an attractive fan in the stands asking for her
number. Now that's keeping your "head" in the game!
211 game, ban by baseball, the longest in baseball
history. You know you're only supposed to get 50 games for your first
offense for using P.E.D's right? Then why did A-Hole get 211? For
cheating. For lying over and over. For helping taint the most
sacred "numbers sport" ever. For being a douche. For
being a black-eye on baseball. For being ingenuine. For making
everyone in the world want to fight him. But not as much as me.
|
||
BUT, do you want to know something that will really make
your skin crawl? Something that is more douche-chilling than MMA fans
screaming in Affliction T-shirts? Worse than dudes that order
"strong islands" or yell "jager-bombs"? Worse than people
posting "blasting shoulders today" at Oz Fitness? Worse than
self-pics in the mirror with no shirt on? Worse than anything ever said
by Dane Cook. Worse than the guitar playing guy at campfires? Worse
than Galaxy Man???.....Here goes, brace yourself:
In 2009, Kate Hudson told "US Weekly" that Alex
Rodriguez "is so vain, he had not one, but two painted portraits of
himself as a centaur, and one was above his
bed"...........................(deep breath).........................(wipe
down goosebumps)...............ok, everyone good?...........Soooo, he has not
one but TWO PAINTINGS, and one is above his BED, of HIMSELF, as a HALF-HORSE,
HALF-HUMAN?...................Ok, everyone together say it with me, 1,2,3,
ready, "FML"............
 |
| I hate A-fraud, and I hate cancer. Lets beat them both. |
Once again people, I HAVE TO FIGHT ALEX RODRIGUEZ!!!!!!!!
Let us compare stats:
A-Fruad vs. Sugar Shane Advantage:
height:
6'3 6' (with shoes
on) A-Fraud
weight:
230
192.73
(Im giving up 40lbs)
A-Fraud
career homeruns:
620 0 A-Fraud
romance
covers:
0 17
A-Fraud
PED of
choice: All
steroids Vodka Soda, muscle-milk, red
bull A-Fraud
Friends:
0 247568
Sugar Shane
Winner: Sugar Shane
C'mon friends! Let’s raise some money for
charity! Let's watch me beat the hair-gel out of A-fraud (or
vice-versa). Let’s make this happen! Who knows
somebody???? Maybe I should ring the “glove”? I NEED TO FIGHT
ALEX RODRIGUEZ!!!!!!!!!!!
